


Sacrifice

by RandiGirl17



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2015-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-22 20:01:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 71,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2519984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RandiGirl17/pseuds/RandiGirl17
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus Bane's life changed when he rescued Alexander Lightwood. He wants a life of comfort and normality for a man who had been tortured for fifteen years, but the task at hand is a difficult one. Just when Magnus thinks Alec is safe, Alec's abductors make a gruesome return, and they want their prized possession back. Contains disturbing content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Taken

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! Got another Malec fic for ya! :) This one is going to be the most disturbing that I've ever written. I'm quite nervous. Please bear with me. Hope you enjoy it! Comments would be lovely! Cheers!

"Damnit!"

I held the coffee cup at arm's length as scalding liquid sloshed over the sides and splashed against my skin and uniform. Mentally cursing myself for not getting a lid, I brought the cup to my lips and took a tentative sip. My tongue jerked away automatically from the hot coffee, but I forced myself to swallow a mouthful. When the liquid no longer threatened to spill over the rim, I set the cup down in the cup holder and reached for a napkin. Red splotches peppered my hand. Muttering under my breath, I made an attempt at wiping away the small spill on my pants. Thankfully my uniform was dark; the stain wouldn't be as noticeable.

Leaving the coffee at a safe distance, I released the cruiser's brake and pressed back down on the accelerator. The drive thru's curb disappeared from my rear-view mirror, though I could hear its mocking laughter follow me from a distance. Vehicles in front of me as well as behind slowed noticeably below the speed limit, eliciting a groan from me. For once, I wished they were speeding so I wouldn't be late for work. Finally, I pulled into the station's parking lot. I grabbed my coffee and a small box from the passenger seat before heading inside.

Luke Garroway was sitting at his desk, his eyes pasted to his computer screen as his fingers flew wildly over his keyboard. I dropped the box on his desk and tried to walk past without him noticing.

"Your coffee jump up and bite ya'?"

 _Damn his vigilance_. I turned around and walked back to his desk. He leaned back in his chair, amusement twinkling in his blue eyes. A couple days worth of stubble had grown on his face, giving him a rugged look, though his smile was kind as always.

"The coffee and the drive thru curb were plotting against me," I said.

"I hope you read them their rights when you arrested them."

I tapped the box with my finger. "I brought you breakfast."

Luke lifted the lid and peered inside. He removed a powdered donut and took a bite. "You brought me breakfast for the rest of the week."

I reached inside and snatched a donut before Luke could yank the box away. He glared at me through narrowed eyes, chewing aggressively.

"You have to share," I chided, waggling my eyebrows and taking a bite.

"Don't make me get my taser."

Grinning, I walked down the aisle to my own desk. Crumbs on the shiny surface were the only evidence of my breakfast. I swept them away with my hand and took another swig of my coffee. As my computer booted to life, I reached down and opened one of my desk drawers. A folder sat on the top of a stack of papers. I lifted the file and plunked it on the desk. A small smiling face now stared up at me from the drawer. The poster itself was fifteen years old, though the boy depicted was only four. I'd been on the force for three years, and his face had been posted in the station since day one. I'd made myself a copy of the poster and looked into his case personally, but it had gone cold. Still, he remained in my desk as well as my thoughts, like a candle burning faintly in the farthest corner of my mind.

Closing the drawer, I set to work on finishing up my reports from the previous day. Phones rang and other officers walked up and down the aisle, talking loudly. I'd long since learned to shut them out. The reports were finished in under two hours. Luke stopped by not long after, offering for me to join him on patrol. I accepted without a second thought; going out on patrol with my partner was often the highlight of my day. We got in the car and pulled out of the parking lot, Luke at the wheel.

We drove through the city for half an hour, swapping jokes and watching carefully for careless drivers. Luke pulled over an SUV that had been driving erratically while I watched from the passenger seat. He got back into the cruiser, shaking his head.

"Damn kids and their cell phones," he mumbled.

Luke drove for a while longer. The radio squawked between us. At a stoplight, an impressive car pulled up on our right. I looked over and found two younger girls watching me. The passenger leaned forward in her seat so I could see her. They flashed wide smiles and batted their eyelashes. I inclined my head and let my lips tug into a small smile before turning away. The light turned green and the car pulled away, the girls giggling behind closed windows. I looked over at Luke to make a comment, but he was busy rubbing his face with his hand. He looked at himself in his mirror on occasion. I figured he had been completely oblivious to my little encounter.

"So is the beard a temporary thing?" I asked, keeping my eyes on my partner.

Luke instantly pulled his hand from his face and cleared his throat. "I'm giving it a try."

I cocked an eyebrow. "This wouldn't have anything to do with your new girlfriend, would it?"

"Jocelyn has in no way imposed on the decisions between me and my facial hair."

"Is it for Clary, then? Trying to be the hot step father?"

"Shut up," Luke grumbled, whacking me on the shoulder.

I punched him back. Luke was years older than me, but he always took my humor with good stride. Not only was he a great friend and partner, he was a learned teacher. He'd taken me under his wing when I'd joined the enforcement. Luke had taught me how to be diligent and vigilant, how to be strict but empathetic, and how to separate the impact of work life from my personal life. In truth, I'd lucked out; I couldn't have asked for a better partner.

Luke was in the middle of a sentence when a red convertible roared past us, blazing through a red light up ahead. He switched on the cruiser's lights and pressed down on the gas pedal. We followed the car for several blocks, but it took Luke turning on the sirens before the vehicle finally pulled over.

"I've got this one," I said as Luke parked behind the stopped car.

I got out and approached the vehicle cautiously. There was only one occupant in the car, but his body language betrayed his agitation. One arm was draped across the door, fingers strumming loudly. The man wore a dark pair of aviators, but I could feel his glare hiding behind the lenses.

"Good afternoon," I greeted him. When he said nothing, I continued, "Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?"

"Maybe because you're an asshole?" the man suggested.

I smiled. "License and registration please."

With an exaggerated sigh, the man reached over and dug through the compartment in front of the passenger seat. He then dug in his jeans for his wallet and chucked the requested items at me. I thanked him and headed back to the cruiser, but not before hearing him call me a douchebag under his breath.

Luke looked up as I climbed in beside him. "What's so funny?"

"This guy just screwed himself into paying the maximum fine."

I scribbled down the driver's information as Luke typed the license plate into the cruiser's laptop. Since there were no outstanding warrants on the guy, I made do with writing out the ticket. I got out and approached the car again. When I handed the driver his papers back, he took one look at the ticket amount and shot a glare at me, a tick in his jaw.

I grinned at him. "Have a nice day."

The driver pulled away from the curb after I stepped back from his car. He pulled into traffic and continued along at a decent speed like a model, law-abiding citizen. Shaking my head, I moved to head back to the cruiser but I stopped. Something stapled to the power pole on the sidewalk caught my attention. Closer inspection gave me déjà vu from that morning. A laminated copy of the same poster I had in my desk was staring back at me. The poster's edges were worn and the information had faded, but I still recognized the face. I'd never forgotten the mop of ebony hair, the bright smile, the eyes that were like sunlight shining through blue glass. With a sigh, I tore my eyes away and climbed back into the car.

Luke continued down the road without questioning my actions. Another fifteen minutes passed. We were headed back to the station when he finally snuck a glance at me. "What's going on inside that head, B?"

I looked over at him. "Huh?"

"We've worked together for three years; I can tell when something's bothering you. What's on your mind?"

I sighed and relented, "I've been thinking about a case."

"The Alexander Lightwood case?"

Sometimes Luke Garroway's intuitiveness astounded me. "Yeah."

"What about it?"

I looked out the window and watched the passing businesses. "Do you think there's still hope of finding him alive?"

Luke was quiet for a moment. "They say the best chances of finding a child alive are within twenty-four hours after the abduction. Forty-eight at the most. I hate to be a negative person, but it's been fifteen years since that kid went missing. I think the rescue has long since turned into a recovery."

"I think people have forgotten about him," I responded, keeping my voice even.

"Last I heard, his adopted brother is still out looking for him. He's travelled everywhere that there's been a possible sighting of Alexander." Luke flicked his eyes from the road over to me again. "And you haven't forgotten him."

 _No_ , I thought. _But I have stopped looking_.

* * *

 

The evening was dragging on. With most of the other officers now off duty, the station was quiet. Luke and I had caught up on our work and were now busying entertaining ourselves by chucking wads of paper from one end of the aisle into a trash can positioned at the other end. To keep it interesting, we tried making the shots from awkward positions and angles. We were behaving like teenagers. It was completely unprofessional, but that hadn't stopped us from doing it again and again.

Our dispatcher, a woman with a stern face but a kind heart, poked her head out of her office. She quirked an eyebrow at our little game but chose to ignore it. "Got a call for you boys."

"Fire away, love," Luke said, hurrying to his desk for the car keys.

She listed off the address. "Possible domestic disturbance. Neighbor said her cat accidentally got out and she heard screaming from the house next door while she was in her backyard looking."

I hastily moved the garbage can to the side as we made for the exit. The day had been warm and sunny, but the night had brought an unpleasant chill. I shivered as I slipped into the passenger seat, though I couldn't tell if it was from the cold or from the adrenaline. Excitement rushed through my veins. Luke drove at high speed, weaving in and out of traffic with the skills of a stunt driver. He'd turned on the lights but kept the sirens off.

We pulled in front of an older, medium-sized home. It was completely dark, not a single light shining in any of the windows. The driveway was clear of any vehicles. As I stepped out of the car, I noticed a form illuminated in the front window of the house next door. A woman peered out at us curiously. I ignored her and followed Luke up the front steps of the house. We listened for any signs of a disturbance but heard nothing. Luke pounded his fist against the door. When no one answered, he knocked again and called, "Police Department."

We heard it then: a voice so faint it barely reached our ears. A voice calling for help.

My hand fell to my gun. Luke reached for his radio and called for backup. With hand signals I'd come to understand over the years, Luke motioned that he was going to go around back. I nodded and surveyed the area as he disappeared around the side of the house. I reached down and tried the doorknob. It stopped short of turning. Backing away from the door, I readied myself and kicked out hard. The door swung open and slammed against the wall inside. My weapon drawn, I moved through the doorway.

I flicked on light switches as I moved through the ground floor. The living room was free of any people or pets. Everything looked normal: there was a television and nice furniture, the carpet was clean, and there were no dirty dishes or pieces of garbage in sight. When I looked around, however, I noticed there were no pictures or knick knacks of any kind. The walls were completely devoid of any faces, which struck me as odd.

The kitchen was at the rear of the house. After making sure the coast was clear, I moved across the floor and unlocked a sliding door. Luke stepped into the house without a sound. He flicked his head, indicating for me to follow him. We walked silently down a hallway with three closed doors. One held a bedroom, which was empty. Another housed a small, clean bathroom. Luke opened the third door and we found ourselves staring through the darkness at the landing of a staircase. The stairs went both up to the second level and down to the basement. There was a quick moment of hesitation and then Luke began descending the staircase. I stayed where I was, checking over my shoulder constantly for any hiding intruders.

A light flicked on in the basement and I heard Luke's sharp intake of breath. "Jesus Christ."

"Luke?"

"Get down here, B."

I started down the stairs, hands still firmly grasping my gun. The stairs were old and creaky; every step I took elicited a groan from the wooden structures. I was actually thankful for the noise because it meant that anyone hiding upstairs wouldn't be able to sneak down without making a racket.

The sight that waited for me in the basement was nothing short of alarming. I stood with my jaw hanging open as Luke approached two scrawny figures sitting at the bases of two poles that extended from floor to ceiling. Both the victims were male and each of them had a ring of duct tape coiled around their eyes. One of them had tape around his mouth, the other had a loose ring of tape hanging around his neck. I realized he'd somehow managed to slip the tape off and call for help.

Luke crouched down next to the victim, the one who was able to speak, and began gently peeling the tape from his eyes, all the while murmuring soft words of comfort. I looked around, taking in the rest of the horrific surroundings. There was a tattered, stained mattress tucked away in the far corner. I cringed to see several bottles of lubricant scattered around it. A few cans of beer and what looked like prescription bottles were piled nearby. Several new rolls of duct tape were stacked in a silver tower. A blanket had been tossed out of reach from either of the young boys. Any windows in the basement had been boarded up, but that hadn't stopped the chill from creeping inside. It was nearly warmer outside than it was in this dungeon.

Luke finally got the tape free from the first victim's eyes. He muttered an apology when the adhesive pulled at the victim's hair. The boy blinked and squinted against the light. His unfocused gaze caught mine and I saw the brownish-gold tint in his irises. He winced as he tried to sit up straighter and tucked his knees tighter against his chest. I realized his, as well as the other victim's, ankles had been taped together. Luke set to work on freeing the victim's hands, which were bound behind the pole.

"What's your name?" Luke asked gently as he uncoiled the tape.

"S-Simon. Simon Lewis." The boy's voice was weak and hoarse. I wondered how long he'd been screaming before someone had finally heard him.

Luke stopped suddenly and gave me a knowing look over his shoulder. He must have seen the cluelessness in my eyes because he set back to work without a word. Tucking my gun away, I hurried to the other victim's side and reached to pull the tape from his mouth. The instant my fingers touched my skin, he jerked away from me, breathing hard through his nose.

"It's all right," I soothed. "I'm not going to hurt you."

He did not pull away from me when I touched him again, but neither did he relax. He sucked in a long breath and let out a shaky whimper when the tape slipped free of his face and dropped around his neck. I ignored the fact that it looked like a silver noose and started peeling the tape from his eyes. He hissed when it pulled at his hair but otherwise did not complain. Like Simon, he blinked rapidly when he was able to open his eyes. The hazel depths found mine.

"Thank you," he whispered.

"Can you tell me your name?" I asked, positioning myself behind him to free his hands.

"Jordan Kyle."

Luke was unbinding Simon's feet, but his eyes flicked up knowingly again. I wondered what was running wildly through his mind, besides the obvious. I finally got Jordan's wrists and ankles free and offered my hands to help him up. He took both of them and attempted to stand. I pulled most of his weight, and he wobbled slightly on his feet.

Both boys were now standing. Luke and I chanced a look at each other, careful to keep our expressions stoic. Simon and Jordan were both malnourished; their bones were prominent and lacked traces of muscle. Ragged clothes hung loosely from their bodies. Jordan's dark hair was unkempt, but it looked as though it had been recently trimmed. Still, it hung partially in his eyes and the ends curled slightly at his shoulders and neck. Simon's hair was equally messy, but it was longer and straighter. A faded bruise was visible by Simon's left eye. Jordan's face was dirty but undamaged; however, finger-shaped bruises encircled his wrists.

"Can you tell us who did this to you?" Luke questioned.

Simon's eyes went wide. He looked too terrified to mention anything about his attacker.

Jordan spoke up, though he avoided both mine and Luke's gazes. "I've never seen their faces. Not once. They were always careful not to call each other by name. They never slipped up. Not once. Not _once_."

Jordan's voice broke and I saw tears slide down his cheeks, but I heard a hint of defiance in his voice. Though he was looking away, he held his chin up. An unseen strength lay beneath the young man's skin. I suspected he was a fighter. That would explain the bruises around his wrists. He'd had to have been held down. . .

Luke stepped away and murmured into his radio, requesting an ambulance. I watched Jordan and Simon carefully. It was important to keep them calm. Panic could send both of them bolting out of the house, which would compromise the needed confidentiality of the situation. Simon stared at the mattress in the corner with haunted eyes, but it was Jordan who broke first.

"I-I need to get out of the house," he stammered, wrapping his arms around himself.

"An ambulance is on the way," I assured him softly. "If you can just wait for—"

"I need out!" Jordan insisted, his eyes pleading.

"I'll go," Luke offered. He steered Jordan toward the staircase, a hand touching the boy's arm just in case he stumbled. "Simon?"

Simon hesitantly followed my partner to the staircase. But before he began his ascent, he turned around and rushed back to me. "Alec's still here."

"Where is he?"

"I don't know. They keep him somewhere." Simon's eyes brimmed with tears. "You can't leave him here. You have to find him."

There was only one place left in the house that we hadn't checked. I hoped Alec was in the room upstairs. I couldn't handle the thought of Alec being alone somewhere with the two attackers.

Promising Simon I'd find Alec, I helped him climb the staircase after Luke and Jordan. My partner then took the two victims down the hall and out of my sight. I drew my gun out of its holster and turned to finish climbing the staircase. A closed door waited for me at the top step. Slowly, I pushed it open and reached inside for the light switch. The overhead bulb blazed to life. I looked around, but, like all the other rooms in the house, the bedroom was empty.

The king-size bed had been perfectly made, free of any winkles or loose sheets. It had barred head and footboards, and stood higher off the wood-panelled floor. Similarly to the living room, there were no pictures or decorative items to be seen. There was a dresser opposite the bed, but every drawer was empty. A closet with no door held nothing, not even a forgotten hanger or dust bunny. The only piece of personalization to the room was a square navy blue rug at the foot of the bed. I found it odd that it was not at the side of the bed, where one would put his or her feet on the cold ground every morning, but clearly ordinary people did not live in this house. I shivered to think of why someone would need a rug to stand on at the foot of a bed, what that person would be doing, what that person would be watching.

Unlike the basement, the bedroom window had not been boarded up. Dark curtains had been pulled, but when I crossed the room and opened them, I found myself looking into the backyard, bare except for dark grass.

Simon had insisted that another victim was still in the house. There was nowhere for anyone to hide in this room. I checked under the bed for good measure but my search came up empty. I wondered if the attackers had hidden Alec somewhere inside the house. Once our backup arrived, we'd be able to do a sweep and check every nook and cranny.

After holstering my gun, I started for the staircase. As I walked, the toe of my boot caught on the raised edge of the rug. I stumbled forward and grabbed onto the footboard to catch myself. Cursing inwardly, I turned and looked down to fix the rug.

The corner of it had lifted when I'd tripped, and the first thing I noticed was a tiny adhesive patch stuck on the undersurface. Patches like that were not uncommon in houses with hardwood floors, but I wondered why it was so imperative that a rug stay put in an odd place in a room that had nothing else in it. Then I noticed the lines in the floor, lines that were out of place. I bent down and tore the rug from the flooring. The base of a rectangle was now visible, and the lines extended beneath the bed. Pulse hammering in my throat, I scampered to the side of the bed and began dragging it out of the way. The bed frame was on wheels, which made it easier to move, but the mattress and box spring were still heavy.

With the bed finally out of the way, I hurried back to the spot where the rug had been. I now stared down at a large rectangle cut into the floor. From the angle I'd been at while looking under the bed, the lines were indistinguishable from the floor. But now that I knew what I was searching for, I could see them clearly. Next I searched for some sort of door handle. The best I found was a small groove in the middle of the right side of the rectangle. After several attempts, I managed to get my finger underneath and lift the hidden door.

A long metal box that resembled a locker stared up at me. I reached down for the silver handle and cursed to find it was locked. I stood up and looked around. There had to be a key somewhere. Had the attackers taken it with them? But if they'd been sure that no one would ever find their hidden treasure, would they really have taken the extra precaution to keep the key on hand?

My stomach was doing flips as I strode back over to the bed. I lifted the first pillow and found nothing, but under the second pillow was a small, gleaming silver key. Snatching it up, I threw myself onto the floor beside the locker. It slipped into the handle with ease, but I hesitated before turning it. I did not know what was waiting inside for me. I braced myself, expecting the worst, and threw open the second door.

A small body was inside, curled on its side in the closest it could get to the fetal position in the tight confines. My eyes were wide with horror. It was another boy; young, judging by the size of him. His wrists had been taped together and his hands were up by his face. He was clad in a threadbare t-shirt and sweatpants. His feet were bare. A strand of black leather encircled the boy's neck, and rivulets of red stained his pale throat. I could only stare, too frightened that if I touched him I'd discover he was dead.

Suddenly the body moved. I gasped, startled. Upon hearing the sound, the boy slowly angled his face toward me. Shaggy black hair hung in his eyes, but I could still see the color through the dark strands. Recognition slammed into me like a truck driving at full speed.

"Alexander Lightwood?" I choked out.

His face remained impassive, but he slowly nodded. I let out the breath I'd been holding and ducked my face, trembling from head to toe. The boy that had been missing for fifteen years was now laying, alive, in front of me. He was no longer the four-year-old that had smiled at me from a missing persons poster for three years, but his face was unmistakeable. He was now nineteen, but his body was that of a young teenager. He was skinny, though not as bone-thin as Jordan and Simon. He did not have the muscle mass of healthy boys— men —his age. Even his frame was small. I guessed that standing at full height, Alexander would barely reach my shoulder.

"Alexander, I'm with the Police Department. I'm going to get you out of here. Are you able to stand?"

Alec shook his head. Positioning myself carefully, I reached down into the locker and scooped him up into my arms. His shockingly light weight distressed me more than it relived me. I lifted him from the locker and readjusted him. Weak, Alec let his head fall against my shoulder. I angled his body carefully so I would not bump him against the walls as I descended the stairs. We moved slowly, and as we reached the halfway point to the landing, Alec reached up and slipped his bound arms around my neck. He turned his face into my shoulder and held on tightly. It brought tears to my eyes as I thought that this was the first time in fifteen years that Alexander Lightwood felt safe.

No one was in the house as I sluggishly maneuvered my way down the hall, but I could hear voices outside. The front door had been left open and I could see red and blue flashing lights on the floor as I rounded the corner.

Before we could get outside, Alec turned his face and craned his neck toward my ear. His breath was warm against my neck. The first words out of the nineteen-year-old's mouth were: "I want my mom."

My heart fractured into millions of tiny fragments. All I could to was hold Alec tighter against me. I couldn't bear to tell him. . . Not now. He said nothing more as I carried him outside to the waiting ambulance. Eyes of surrounding officers and curious bystanders were on me as I brought Alexander over to a paramedic. She wheeled over a gurney and instructed me to set him down. I gently placed Alec's lower half on the stretcher, but his arms remained around my neck. When I tenderly pulled them up and over my hand, Alec's hand shot out and snatched the front of my uniform. He did not say a word as he clutched onto me. It took two paramedics to pry his fingers away.

I stood in a stunned trance as they loaded Alec into an ambulance and sped off, sirens wailing. He'd been rescued only moments before and he had already been taken away again.


	2. My Morphine

I sat hunched over in my chair, fingers pinching the bridge of my nose. My head was pounding from the overbearing amount of information Luke had just given me. I could feel the older man's eyes on me as I massaged my temples. He said nothing, waiting patiently as I slowly absorbed every word he had said.

Simon Lewis had gone missing at the age of seven. He'd been at the playground with his mother when he had suddenly disappeared. Like Alexander Lightwood's case, there had been no witnesses to attest who had taken him. The entire community had set out on a frantic search for the missing child, but the lack of evidence led them to nothing but dead ends. He'd been found nine years later, two states over from his hometown.

Jordan Kyle had been abducted at the age of nine. It had been determined that he'd been kidnapped on his way to a friend's house. Because the friend lived nearby, Jordan had been allowed to walk over on his own. In the seemingly safe neighborhood, there had been no reason for worry of any danger. Jordan's mother had told investigators that she'd assumed her son had simply forgotten to call to tell her he'd arrived at his friend's; it had happened before. Only when the friend called Jordan's house a few hours later to ask where he was were the police notified. No one had seen anything; no one had heard anything. Blockades set up on all main highways had turned up nothing. Jordan had been found seven years later, four states over from his hometown.

As for Alexander Lightwood. . . The boy who had been missing for fifteen years had never even left the city he'd been taken from.

I should have felt exhilarated by the rescue. Luke and I had delivered three abduction victims into the safe, caring arms of medical professionals and protective services. Simon and Jordan's families had been notified and were currently en route to the hospital. I wanted to share the relief and joy of reuniting the families, but the image of Alec haunted me. I saw his gaunt body every time I blinked, saw his vacant blue eyes staring up at me, felt his fingers clenching the front of my uniform.

"You should go home," Luke said, interrupting my dark thoughts. "Get some sleep. We'll tackle this tomorrow."

"I doubt I'll be able to sleep after this," I mumbled.

Luke reached across his desk and put his hand on my shoulder. "Don't focus on the victims, focus on the survivors. All three boys are alive and safe. Let's be thankful for that."

I nodded and stood from the chair. There was still a mountain of paperwork sitting on my desk, but I left it behind and made for the exit. Inside the cruiser, it took nearly three attempts to get my shaky hand to put the key into the ignition. The engine finally roared to life and I pulled out of the parking lot and into the street. Traffic was slow again but I couldn't have cared less. My mind wandered as I drove to my house. I wondered how the victims— survivors —were doing at the hospital. Had they been separated or kept together? Were they being badgered by the police for interviews? It was nearly dawn, which meant Simon had probably been reunited with his family. Jordan's parents might be at the hospital already if they had flown in. But Alec. . .was anyone with him?

Muscle memory had me pulling the cruiser into my small driveway, but before I put the car in park I threw it into reverse, backed out, and sped toward the hospital.

* * *

"Cat!"

The woman standing at the front desk looked up as I called her name. She scribbled something onto a clipboard and handed it to a nurse before jogging over to me. Her white lab coat billowed around her as she approached. She stood on her toes as we embraced. I inhaled the comforting scent of my closest friend. As she pulled away, I curled one of the tendrils framing her face around my finger. It fell back against her cheek and she nervously tucked it behind her ear.

"You colored your hair again," I said softly.

"The auburn was fading. I decided to go blonde this time."

Catarina Loss was an unusual beauty. She was tall and slender, and her milky skin complemented her starlit blue eyes. Her laugh was infectious and she was fiercely loyal. What set her apart from other women was her naturally white hair. It had been white gold when she was young, but over the years the blonde had started to fade. I'd always found her snow-like mane to be striking, but Catarina hated the color. She was constantly dying her hair, switching from redhead to brunette to hair as dark as a raven's feathers.

"You look wonderful."

Catarina smiled and touched my elbow. "How are you doing? I heard it was you who found them."

"Just Alexander. Luke found Simon and Jordan."

"Don't be so modest. You saved their lives."

I felt heat creep into my cheeks. I took to praise about as well as one takes to an allergic reaction. Switching the conversation's direction, I asked, "How are you doing, Cat?"

She nodded and tucked her hands into her coat pockets. "All three boys are under my care. Simon and Jordan are with their families."

"And Alec?"

"Nurses and officers have offered to stay in the room with him." Cat sighed. "He doesn't want anyone around him."

I lowered my voice. "Has he been informed about his family?"

"An officer sat down with him early this morning. Poor kid hasn't said a word since."

"Do you think I can see him?"

Catarina stared into my eyes, considering it. She nodded and motioned for me to follow her. I was glad I hadn't changed out of my uniform. The last thing I wanted to do was compromise Cat's job as a doctor by getting her into trouble with her superiors. I'd never asked her to break any rules for me, but in this situation I had the advantage. She would be able to tell me everything I needed to know about Alec's condition, what was in store for him. For some reason, I _had_ to know. And I wasn't going to let this opportunity slip away.

Cat led me down the hall to a room with a window. She peeked inside before beckoning to me with her hand. I cautiously crept to the window and peered into the room. Alec was in bed, a blanket pulled up to his waist. His blue eyes were staring down at his feet. An IV stuck out of his left hand. White gauze was wrapped around his neck where there had once been a strap of black leather. Under the hospital's bright lights he looked even paler and withered than before. He was the human embodiment of suffering.

I let out a long, shaky breath. Catarina placed her hand on my back, her eyes watching me with worry. My heart was pumping agony into my veins. I'd seen victims before: survivors of horrible car wrecks, women marked by spousal abuse, fatalities of accidents of all forms. Why was _this_ hurting me so much?

"Have you looked at him?" I asked without taking my eyes from Alec.

Catarina hesitated. "I performed Alec's physical, yes." Her wary tone suggested she knew where I was going with this.

"Tell me what you found, Cat." I turned to face her. "Please."

Again, she hesitated. I could see an argument poised on her curved lips, but when her blue irises fell to the patch on my uniform her shoulders relaxed. She glanced around, searching for anyone with prying eyes and ears.

"The first things I noticed are that Alexander is seriously malnourished and underdeveloped," she began. "He's not as starved as Simon and Jordan, but I reckon he was being fed just enough to keep him alive. As for his development, he's small for his age. His muscle mass is below normal. He could barely stand on two feet for some of the tests I gave him. Most likely he hasn't been getting any exercise for the past fifteen years. It was mentioned that he was found in some sort of locker. The majority of his time was probably spent locked up in there. His body would be unable to grow in such a cramped space. This is just speculation, but I believe the abductor intended to keep Alec as small as possible. He or she wanted to keep Alec's body as close its child form as possible."

My stomach twisted. It sickened me to think that someone had seen Alec's frail body with desire-fueled eyes. I knew without being told that another motive for keeping Alec small was to decrease the chance of Alec fighting back.

"What else?" I prompted.

"His vision, hearing, and speech are all fine, but I highly recommend that he sees a psychiatrist on a daily basis. He'll also need a tutor; he lacks reading and mathematical skills, as well as everything in between."

My mind jumped to the one tutor that I knew personally. She was an outstanding teacher. She was good at what she did, but she was one of the last people I wanted to see again. Our history was a bumpy road, full of potholes and skid marks. I doubted she would be pleased to see me on her doorstep asking for a favor.

"There'll be scarring around his neck. We have a good plastic surgeon here. He may be able to help soften their appearance, but Alec has given no inclinations of meeting with him."

"Scarring from what?"

"There was a piece of leather around Alexander's neck when he was brought in. It was actually a spiked dog collar. The spikes had been filed to be sharp enough to pierce skin. Each of them were embedded into Alec's flesh. From the scars' appearance, that wasn't the first time Alec had worn the collar. The ones at the front of his throat are worse, which leads me to believe Alec was choked from behind. Maybe to be subdued."

"His throat wasn't damaged?"

"No, his larynx is fine. The spikes were strategically placed to avoid any serious damage."

 _To avoid serious damage or so the abductor could continue to hear Alec's screams?_ I shook my head and looked back into the room. Alec had part of the blanket wadded in his hands. He rubbed his thumbs over the soft material. His head was bent so that his hair fell into his eyes. My fingers twitched, desiring to push it back from his face.

"There's more," Catarina said grimly.

I knew what was coming. This was the darkest shadow of the nightmare. I was afraid to hear what Cat had to say next, but it was imperative to get every detail. If we wanted to help Alec, we could not pretend the darkest pieces of information did not exist.

"All three boys have anal scarring. The number and severity of the scars show that they were likely sexually assaulted from a very young age. That being said, Alec's scars were the worst out of the three boys."

"Damnit."

I rubbed a hand over my face. It shouldn't have surprised me that Alec had obviously been the 'favorite.' He'd been taken first and he'd been locked in a separate room from the others. But that did not soften the information's blow.

"You should go in and talk to him."

I blanched at her suggestion. "Me?"

"The paramedics said he didn't want to let go of you. It might do him good to see a familiar face."

My mouth bobbed open and closed as I searched for an excuse, but when I turned and saw Alec alone in his room, I nodded reluctantly. Cat smiled encouragingly and took my arm, pulling me to the closed door.

"I'll have a nurse bring a tray of food. Try to get him to eat. He always stares at the tray with starved eyes but he never touches anything."

I nodded and Cat pushed the door open. Alec jumped, startled by the sudden noise, and tugged the blanket closer to his chest. Anxiety glittered in his blue eyes as he watched Cat but his fingers loosened around the blanket when I stepped in. I offered a friendly smile, which Alec did not return.

"Alexander, you remember Magnus Bane? He came by to say hello."

Alec said nothing, which did little to ease my apprehension. Cat did a quick check of Alec's vitals and inspected his IV. Alec kept his head down when she was near him. His body was noticeably tense. I wondered if his lack of social interactions was causing him to be shy or if one of his abductors had been female, which could result in timidity around all women.

Cat dragged a chair from the corner of the room to Alec's bedside and placed her hands on her hips. "All right. I'll give you two some privacy. See you in a little while, Alec."

I gave my friend a nod as she left. She stopped in front of the window and gave me a thumbs up before walking away. Nervous, I wiped my clammy palms on my pants and slowly lowered myself into the chair. Alec's head was still ducked and he did not peek at me from under his hair.

I kept my voice gentle and calming. "How are you feeling, Alec?"

He shrugged.

 _Not helping._ "Do you need anything? Another blanket?"

He shook his head.

"Do you mind if I call you Alec? Or do you prefer Alexander?"

I might have imagined it, but I thought I saw Alec flinch slightly when I said his full name. The nineteen-year-old slowly angled his face toward mine, though his shaggy hair still hung in his eyes.

"You can call me Alec," he said, his deep but soft voice an odd contrast to his fragile body.

Before I could say more, a nurse walked in and set a tray on the table on Alec's other side. She smiled at the two of us and left without a word. Alec stared at the tray wordlessly for a long while. The warm smell of chicken broth wafted over to me. Alec slowly tore his eyes from the tray and stared down at the blanket again, twisting the material between his hands.

"Are you hungry" I asked.

He nodded without looking at me. Slowly, so as not to alarm him with any sudden movements, I rose from my seat and wandered around the bed. I lifted the lid from the tray and wheeled the table so it was situated in front of Alec. I thought I saw tears pooling in his eyes as he beheld the broth, crackers, and cup of water.

"Eat as much as you like."

His blue irises drifted upward to meet mine. I read suspicion as well as astonishment in his expression. With a quivering hand, he reached for the spoon and scooped up some broth. He blew on the liquid a couple times before sliding the spoon into his mouth. His eyes closed with satisfaction and he went for another spoonful. I watched him carefully to make sure he did not eat too fast. His starved stomach could only handle so much. As he munched on a cracker, I moved away and seated myself again.

"Why haven't you been eating when the nurses bring you food?" I asked curiously.

Alec stopped chewing for a moment but reached for his water instead of answering me.

I thought for a moment. "Were you waiting for permission?"

He stirred his broth with his spoon and nodded. My heart clenched when I imagined this starving young man watching nurses taking away his cold food not because he had refused to eat it, but because they had not given him permission to eat it. How much more torture could he handle?

I knew I now had to tread carefully. "Why do you need permission to eat, Alec?"

Alec abruptly stopping stirring his broth. He stiffened and leaned back against the pillows. I fought the urge to wince as he turned his despondent eyes to me and whispered, "Bad things happen when you don't get permission."

My inner investigator wanted to know what kind of things, but to save Alec the trauma of reliving such events, I moved on. "Are you sure you don't need anything? More pillows? How's your pain?"

Alec ducked his head again, hiding behind a mop of ebony hair. His shoulders started to shake ever so slightly. I thought he was laughing until I saw teardrops splatter against the blanket. Alarmed, I jumped to my feet and reached for him.

"Alec?"

He wiped at his eyes with his wrist. When he looked at me I saw that the whites were pink and glimmering. "You're so nice, Magnus."

I straightened, baffled. I'd thought that something I'd said had upset him, that maybe I'd pushed too far, but it had been my kindness that had affected him. It troubled me to ponder what his abductors had been like when my asking if he needed another pillow had brought him to tears.

Alec wiped at his eyes again and took a shaky breath. There was still a teary streak on his cheek that I wanted to wipe away with my thumb, but I refrained from touching him. I did not know how he would respond to another man's touch, even if my intentions were innocent and gentle. In the back of my brain, I could hear Alec's voice repeating my name over and over. I'd never been fond of my name, but why did it sound so good when Alec said it?

Movement by the window caught my attention. I looked up and blinked in surprise to see the chief of police staring back at me. He flicked his head, indicating for a private word.

"Excuse me for a second."

Alec's hand darted out and snatched my wrist as I turned. He released me the second I turned back to face him. His expression was fearful and apologetic. Something told me he'd grabbed someone before and it had not ended well for Alec.

"Are you coming back?" he whispered, twisting the blanket in his hands.

"Of course," I answered immediately. "I'll just be a moment."

He nodded and attempted to smooth the wrinkles in the blanket before reaching for his broth. I exited the room and closed the door behind me. Hodge Starkweather regarded me with intense, curious eyes. His hair had grayed recently, but his eyes were steely and his stance held the same power of intimidation he'd had when I'd first met him.

"Shouldn't you be at home?" he questioned.

"I just thought I'd come in and see how he was doing," I responded honestly.

Hodge looked through the window at Alec. "He seems to be doing better now."

"Were you in to see him?"

"I was the one who told him about his family."

I sighed. "I heard he took it pretty hard."

"Difficult to say," Hodge muttered. "The kid didn't even respond. Just stared at his feet, blocked everything out. I don't think the reality has set in yet."

"Have you heard any news on his brother?"

According to his file, Alec had an older adoptive brother named Jace. He was now Alec's only remaining relative, but authorities had been unable to contact him. Word had been that Jace had left the country years ago. His trail led to locations around the world, and with no indications of where he was heading next, finding him was at a standstill. Our best chance was the news of Alec's rescue reaching Jace's ears, prompting him to contact us.

"Nothing useful. Some believe he's halfway around the world, probably on some godforsaken island or in the middle of the desert."

I folded my arms across my chest, watching Alec as he leaned back against the pillows and winced when his neck pressed into them. "Adopted or not, how could his brother just up and leave the country?"

"Rumor has it that Jace has been travelling everywhere that there's been a possible sighting of Alec. He took matters into his own hands."

"Either that or he's sitting on a beach somewhere with his inheritance," I said bitterly.

"Maybe he did leave the country to get away," Hodge agreed. "But can you blame him? First his brother was kidnapped, then he lost the rest of his adoptive family. Maybe he just needed to leave it all behind, to start new. You can't grieve forever."

I nodded, considering it. "So what does this mean for Alec?"

"Alexander is nineteen, a legal adult. Maryse and Robert left the house and all their possessions to their children in their will. With Isabelle gone and Alec missing, Jace inherited everything. He put the house up for sale when he left."

"Which means Alec has nothing."

"The hospital will keep him here for as long as is necessary, but when Alec is cleared for discharge, I'm afraid that he'll have to fend for himself. I'm sure we can find a shelter to set him up in."

"No," I said, surprising both myself and my chief. "Absolutely not. A shelter isn't safe for him, not in his condition."

"What do you suggest, then?"

I looked Hodge dead in the eye. "I have a spare room. He can stay with me."

He scratched his bearded chin. "You sure that's a good idea?"

"There's no one left to keep him safe," I said. "But someone has to, and it's going to be me."


	3. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello! I have to admit that I LOVE writing this story. I can't stop thinking about what I'm going to write next. I can't listen to a single song without images flashing through my head. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I think the next one will be revealing Alec's accounts of what happened to him. Sad stuff. Oh, and thank you for all the lovely comments! I've even hung a few up on my wall! You are great! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Cheers and happy reading! :)

The car suddenly jerked to the left and immediately swerved back to the right, causing me to smack my head against the window. Wincing, I rubbed my forehead and glared over at Luke. His smug smile made me roll my eyes.

"What are you trying to do?" I groaned. "Crack my skull open?"

"You're not paying attention to me," Luke whined.

"Sorry." I pulled out my phone to check the time. Only twenty minutes until my shift ended. "You were saying?"

"You going on a date or something?"

"I'm going back to the hospital to check on Alec."

Luke let out a huff. When I glanced over at him, I caught him chewing the inside of his cheek, a habit that was made visible when he was contemplating something. He said nothing further, but I recognized the way his eyes stared dead ahead, glimpsing far more than just the road and traffic. Luke did not have a fondness for lectures, which was one of his better qualities. He always had an opinion but his voice was quiet and reserved. He kept his thoughts to himself, but I knew that Luke was a wise man, experienced in life's twists and turns. Sometimes it was beneficial to hear what he had to say, even if it was not what I wanted to hear.

"Spit it out, Garroway."

Luke stopped at a red light and answered without looking at me, "I'm just concerned that you're getting a little too invested in Alexander Lightwood."

"He doesn't have anybody to take care of him," I said, not defensively. "He can't go through this alone."

"So you've taken it upon yourself to be his family?"

I shifted in my seat. "I wouldn't say family. . ."

"B, you're a kind-hearted young man, and I think it's great that you want to help Alec, but I don't want him to become your burden. If you keep doing what you're doing, Alec is going to get attached to you. Therapy and medication won't heal him, not for a very long time. You're treading water, B, and I don't want to see you get dragged under trying to keep someone else afloat."

I nodded, unsure of what to say. Admitting to Luke that I was planning on offering Alec the spare room in my house was probably a bad idea. I knew my partner would always have my back, and even if he was concerned about my choices, he'd never leave me to struggle on my own. What Luke needed to understand was that I shared that same protective camaraderie with Alec. Every time I looked into those blue eyes, Alec's struggle slowly became my own.

* * *

 

With visiting hours starting up again in the afternoon, the hospital was crowded with the bustling of patients, visitors, and staff. Thankfully, my uniform was once again working in my favor; people recognized the police station's gear and cleared a path for me. I made a beeline for the hospital's gift shop, mulling over the best option for a thoughtful yet subtle gift to take up to Alec's room. There was a wide display of helium balloons in every color and greeting. Cards and candy bars shared a space by the far wall. I dismissed them all when I remembered that Alec could not read and his stomach was still too sensitive for chocolate. I raked my fingers through my hair as my eyes skimmed over cheap jewelry, lottery tickets, and baby clothes. Maybe this was a stupid idea.

As I turned to leave, something small in a nearby display caught my eye. I approached the case, drawn to this small item. Without the slightest hesitation, I slid the door open, pulled it out, and carried to up to the till, my free hand already reaching for my wallet.

* * *

 

Cat was hurrying down the hallway in my direction, her nose nearly pressed flat against the clipboard in her hands. I stuck my hand out and stopped her before she accidentally bumped into me. She jumped, startled, but smiled warmly when she recognized me. Her tousled hair had been pulled back into a ponytail, making it easier to see the fatigue in her blue eyes.

"Hey, you," she said.

"Hey yourself." I scanned her up and down. "Everything okay? You look worn out."

"I'm covering for another doctor for a bit today. All these extra patients are going to give me wrinkles." She rubbed her eye. "Plus Simon and Jordan are being discharged today."

"What? Already?"

"Don't worry. We're keeping Alec for a few more days. Simon and Jordan are being transferred to the care of their parents, and both of them have agreed to see psychiatrists on a regular basis. There's not much else we can do for them; we'd only be keeping them cooped up."

I nodded. "That's great, Cat. I'm happy for them."

She was quiet for a moment. "You're envious of them."

"It does seem unfair that they can go home, two broken families now whole again," I sighed. "But I'm not resentful. It's uplifting that something more than devastation rose from this tragedy."

Cat reached out and touched my arm, her eyes both sad and comforting. She flicked her head, indicating to Alec's room. "We gave him some sedatives to help him sleep. He might be a little drowsy if he wakes up, but he should be coherent. I've got to run. Talk to you later?"

I waved at her as she took off down the hall again, scribbling on her clipboard. Quietly opening and closing the door, I slipped into Alec's room and seated myself in the chair at his bedside. He was curled on his side, his legs tucked slightly. The blanket was pulled up to his shoulders and his hair fell over his eyes.

Just as I settled back into my chair, Alec's eyes snapped open and he jackknifed upright. His hands clenched in the blanket and he wobbled slightly. Still under the sedative's lull, he struggled to keep his wild, unfocused eyes open. But his slender body was still tense, his breathing panicked and ragged.

"Alec, it's just me," I said soothingly. "It's Magnus."

"Sorry," he slurred drowsily. "I thought you were. . . someone else."

Even in his drug-induced slumber Alec had felt someone watching him. Frightening eyes scoured him even when he was not awake. He was haunted by a nightmare, haunted by his life.

"I didn't mean to frighten you."

Alec nodded and settled back into bed. Once nestled comfortably against the pillows, he turned his somnolent gaze to me.

I had to fight to pull my eyes away from his. "I brought you something."

He looked at the item in my hand through half-lidded eyes. A small smile tugged at his lips. "It's pretty. What is it?"

I was about to laugh, thinking the sedatives had muddled Alec's brain, but I caught myself. He'd been abducted when he was four years old, and he'd spent the next fifteen years locked inside a bare house with at least one pedophile. I doubted he'd retained any of his memories from before he had been abducted. Not to mention the puzzled curiosity in his expression seemed to be genuine.

"It's a flower." I reached over and set it on the bedside table, noticing how Alec's eyes sluggishly followed the gift. "A rose, to be more precise."

The flower had been the simplest arrangement in the gift shop's display case. It was a fully bloomed white rose, trimmed to the pedicle, surrounded by fanned out mint green leaves. A small, spherical crystal vase completed the arrangement. The snowy, unblemished petals brought to mind purity and gentleness. The second I'd seen the arrangement, Alec's name had flashed in my head like a Vegas billboard.

"It's pretty," Alec said again, but his smile began to fade.

"Is something wrong?"

Alec's eyes slid shut and his head began to loll to the side. "What do I. . . have to do. . . to . . ."

His last words were muffled, mixed with his soft snoring, but I thought I'd heard: 'to repay you.' I shivered and scrubbed a hand over my face. I could have been mistaken, but my guess was that Alec felt the need to express his gratitude for my gift. And I doubted that any of the methods Alec had been trained to show appreciation involved remaining fully clothed.

Soft rapping on the window drew my attention elsewhere. A wide grin spread across my lips when I recognized the face standing outside the room. Overcome by the sedative's dosage, Alec had not woken up. I got up and left the room, quietly closing the door behind me.

"Magnus Bane."

I found myself enveloped in a tight embrace. Laughing, I slapped the man on the back and pushed at his shoulders so I could get a glimpse of him. Standing just over six foot four, with broad shoulders and solid planes of muscle, Valen Morgenstern was a warrior of a man. His short blonde hair was slicked back as usual, and his dark eyes were unnerving but warm. Like Hodge Starkweather, Valen had the power to intimidate anyone just by being present in a room. But where Hodge was quiet and calculating, Valen was audacious and outspoken. Those two traits had caused tension between Valen and his coworkers back when he'd worked at the station. Valen and I had gotten along well enough, but Luke had always loathed the man. He told me he'd never trusted Valen, and claimed the man to be a "two-faced asshole," as he put it. Luke had barely been able to contain his excitement when Valen had transferred to another precinct.

"I couldn't believe my ears when I heard it was you who found Alexander Lightwood. Forgive me, but I tried to picture you, a shy, shrimp of a police officer, carrying another guy out of a house and nearly fell out of my chair laughing."

I took the jab in good stride. "I never envisioned myself as a hero either."

Valen folded his arms over his chest. "How's Luke? Still a surly little pig?"

"He's doing well. He was also a part of the rescue mission"

"So I heard," he muttered, his lip curling slightly.

I knew the rivalry between Luke and Valen had never been amended, so I switched gears. "What are you doing all the way down here?"

"I'm just passing through. A convention just west of here has demanded my presence." Valen rolled his eyes. "Hours upon hours of meetings in a cramped room with wheezing men chowing down on donuts. I'd rather do paperwork."

"I've got some paperwork you can do."

Valen snorted and ruffled my hair. "Don't be such a smartass, pretty boy."

I nudged my arm toward Alec's room. "I'd tell you to come say hello, but he's out cold."

"Let him sleep," he said, raising his hand to decline my offer. "No doubt he needs it. Maybe I'll stop by on the way back."

"I'll keep you posted."

Valen glanced down at his watch. "I should probably run, kid. It was nice seeing you. Congrats on the rescue."

I pulled my ex-co-worker into a one-armed hug and waved him off as he sauntered down the hall. He tipped an invisible hat to a group of nurses standing by the front desk and winked at them. They exploded into a fit of giggles. Rolling my eyes, I slipped back into Alec's room and waited for him to wake up.

* * *

"It even smells pretty." Alec held the flower up to his nose for the fifth time and inhaled. He cradled the gift in his lap, admiring the petals.

"I'm glad you like it."

"You never told me what you wanted."

I cleared my throat. "Pardon me?"

Alec's eyes were hidden behind his hair as his finger skimmed over the rim of the vase. "You never told me what you wanted in return for the gift."

"You don't owe me anything," I said, wiping my sweaty hands on my pants, uncomfortable.

Alec pushed his hair out of his face, revealing his confusion. "But I have to—"

"Excuse me."

Alec and I glanced over at the door and gasped in unison to see a mass of people watching us. Simon Lewis and Jordan Kyle stood at the front of the group. Both of them wore tentative smiles. Their faces had regained some color and their facial bones were not as prominent.

Through the corner of my eye I noticed Alec slinking farther into the bed, cowering, trying to make himself as small as possible. It was not Simon and Jordan making him uneasy, but the other unfamiliar pairs of eyes scrutinizing him from the doorway.

"Officer Bane," Jordan greeted me.

I stood from my chair as he approached, but he walked straight past my extended hand and wrapped me in a tight hug. After a moment, I returned the hug, patting him on the back.

When he stepped away, Jordan said, "We just wanted to say goodbye to Alec."

"Of course."

I meant to sneak outside the room to give the boys some privacy, but the families of Jordan Kyle and Simon Lewis barricaded me inside. After accepting my inability to escape, I stood at the back of the room awkwardly, my hands clasped in front of me.

Jordan was the first to hug Alec. He was bigger in stature than Alec, but the way Alec's thin arms held the sixteen-year-old protectively and lovingly made my heart clench.

Without letting go, Jordan whispered, "Thank you for everything you did for me. I wouldn't have survived if it hadn't been for you." He pulled back and handed Alec a small piece of paper. "If you ever need anything, give me a call. I'll always be there for you."

Simon stepped up next and he and Alec held each other tightly. I could hear sniffling from the emotional mothers standing beside me, and I had to blink back tears of my own. When Alec's arms fell away, Simon reached up and grabbed his shoulder.

"You sacrificed yourself for me, and I will never be able to thank you enough for that. But I will be eternally grateful for what you did for me, what you did for us. I'm sorry about your family, Alec, but please know that you are loved. There will always be a place for you in my heart and in my home." He pointed at the piece of paper in Alec's hand. "My number is on there, too. You're not alone. You've got us."

Alec stared down at the paper in his shaking hand. Tears rolled down his cheeks. Amidst his sadness I could also see frustration. He stared with such an intensity that I thought the paper was going to burst into flames. But I came to the realization that he was trying to make sense of the markings on the paper. Alec's only friends had given him something special but he could not understand the meaning. I thought back to the day in my fifth grade math class when my teacher had called on me to answer a question. Hands had shot up around me; it felt as though everyone had known the answer except for me. The question had been so simple, but the humiliation and frustration of my perplexity had stolen the air from my lungs, made me feel like I was drowning.

Alec whispered a quick thank you to each of the boys before returning his full attention to the flower and piece of paper in his lap. He hunched over them, as if protecting the gifts with his body. Jordan and Simon turned away, smiling. Neither of them seemed particularly put out or surprised by Alec's behavior. They hurried over to their families and began to filter out of the room. I made sure Alec was too preoccupied to notice my absence before starting after them.

"Simon, wait."

The entire group stopped and turned to face me.

"Can I speak with you for a moment?"

Jordan stepped forward, offering to come along, but Simon shook his head and stopped him. He then shuffled over to me, rubbing his arm nervously.

I lowered my voice so the others could not hear. "What did you mean when you said Alec sacrificed himself for you?"

Simon took a long while to gather his thoughts before replying, "They used to just threaten us, warning us that if we didn't do what they wanted, they'd beat us. They touched me and forced me to do things to them, but they had not yet—" Simon took a deep breath, "— _raped_ me. The first time they tried to do it, Alec begged them to take him instead. And they did. Every time they came for me after that, Alec did the same thing. He sacrificed his body for mine, and they were brutal to him. They made me watch sometimes."

My legs went numb beneath me. I placed my hand on the wall to steady myself. Simon, who was reliving his horrific memories, was balanced on his feet. His eyes were haunted but his back was tall, strong against the weight on his shoulders.

"Alec tried but he couldn't fend them off forever. He talked me through it when it happened, tried to calm me down. I could barely hear him over my own screaming, but he never stopped trying to comfort me. They beat him for that. Regardless, every time those men came into the basement, Alec offered himself so they would leave me alone.

"It was no different when Jordan came along. Alec fought it for as long as he could, but they eventually took Jordan, too. I was too terrified to say anything. I shut my eyes. Alec tried to talk Jordan through it, just like he had with me. They beat me for closing my eyes and they beat Alec for not shutting up when they told him to.

"With there being three of us, the men came down more often. Alec begged them not to hurt us; he begged them to take him. Every. Single. Time. It didn't matter if they'd already taken him in exchange for me. When they tried to go after Jordan ten minutes later, Alec offered himself again. God, the things they made him do. . . The things they did to him. It didn't matter if it was sex or beatings, Alec was our shield. They separated Alec from us not long after, but we could still hear him shouting at them to leave us alone. He told them that we were just kids." Simon's watery eyes lifted to meet mine. "But Alec was just a kid, too."

When I said nothing, Simon wiped his eyes with his sleeve and turned away. I let him go. Before I went back into Alec's room, I sat on the floor in the hall and held my face in my hands. Tears threatened but did not spill over. I was feeling everything: rage, despair, admiration, misery, bewilderment. Luke had thought that Alec was sinking and I was going to get dragged under trying to help him. But he was wrong. Alec was treading water. I was the one who was drowning.


	4. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone! I am so sorry! I meant to upload this chapter way sooner, but it took me longer than expected to write it. It's a doozy. A whopping 14 pages long, so get comfy. ;) I didn't get into Alec's story as much as I hoped, but that just means that it's coming up. However, this chapter doesn't lack in the emotional department. ALL THE FEELS! Please let me know what you think! Enjoy! :)

The station was buzzing, phones ringing every twenty seconds and officers running up and down the aisle. Tensions were running high due to the irritating pestering of the media. Reporters were constantly attempting to acquire snippets of information regarding Alec, Simon, and Jordan. After threatening the media with harassment charges, the number of calls coming in had lowered considerably. For the sanity and safety of the three boys, we were determined to keep them out of the media as much as possible. They were not to be bombarded by paparazzi or swarmed by reporters demanding answers to their questions. But there were still people who could not stifle their curiosity, who would do anything just to get a sniff at the reopened case.

I sat at my desk, engrossed in the stacks of paperwork piled in front of me like a fortress. My pen slid across the paper fluidly as I filled in the blank spaces with the appropriate information. My left hand reached for my cup of coffee and I brought it to my lips without stopping the gliding of my pen. Setting my mug down, I raked my fingers through my hair and squeezed the back of my neck. A familiar tension was gathering there, one that accumulated from sitting hunched over too long. Of course, it did not help that I had barely slept over the past couple days. I thought of Alec when I was awake, and I dreamt about him when I was asleep. I couldn't escape him, the same way he could not escape his nightmares.

The phone on my desk started ringing. I paused in the middle of a sentence, only to continue writing as I reached out and picked it up, bringing the receiver to my ear.

"Officer Bane," I answered briskly.

"Magnus? It's Cat."

My pen halted its path again. I set it down and leaned back in my chair, grateful for the distraction but uneasy about the unbidden call.

"Hey. What's up?" I asked, fighting to keep my voice neutral.

"I thought I should call and let you know that Alec is being discharged tomorrow."

I exhaled and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Christ. I thought I had more time."

"More time for what?"

"We're trying to set up a temporary living arrangement for Alec," I lied quickly. Catarina did not yet know about my plan to invite Alec to stay at my house. Like Luke, she would be reluctant about my offer, but for entirely different reasons.

"I'm glad I decided to call you after all. I wasn't planning on telling you until later, but I decided against it."

"Thank you, Cat. I appreciate it. Will you still be at the hospital later? I plan on stopping by after my shift."

"That's the other reason I called you."

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"Your boss is here."

My eyes automatically shifted over to Hodge's office. The door was shut and there was no light glowing between the blinds.

"He gave me the okay to call you," Cat continued. "He's here to conduct Alec's interview. Magnus, Alec has requested your presence while he's being questioned."

My fingers coiled tighter around the phone. "Alec wants _me_ there? Why?"

"You tell me. Magnus, did you tell Alec not to talk about what happened to him?"

"No, Cat. Jesus."

"Did he tell you things?"

"I haven't been fishing for information, if that's what you're insinuating," I said, exasperated.

"Of course not," Cat replied, sounding relieved. "I guessed Alec wants you there for support, but I had to be sure."

I glanced over at the clock. My shift didn't end for another hour. "Does Hodge want me there now?"

"He wants you to come to the hospital right away. He said he'll conduct the interview and then you're free to go home. I was also told, very gruffly I might add, to inform you that this will not be taken from your pay."

I smiled. Hodge had always shown fairness to his officers, even if it was in a stern manner. "Let them know I'm on my way."

"See you soon, B."

I hung up and dug through my drawer for my keys. Jumping to my feet, I jammed my arms into the sleeves of my jacket and made for the exit.

Luke glanced up as I passed his desk. "Where do you think you're going?"

"The chief has requested my assistance," I answered, walking backwards.

He shook his head. "Anything to kiss a little ass, huh?"

The grin on my face faded once I made it outside. The keys jangled in my shaking hand as I crossed the parking lot. Despite what Luke thought, I was not doing this for Hodge.

* * *

 

Catarina and Hodge were waiting for me outside Alec's room, speaking to each other in hushed voices. Cat sensed my presence first and looked toward me as I approached. She wore soft blue scrubs that complimented her eyes. Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun and a stethoscope hung around her neck. To keep her professionalism intact, she refrained from touching me, though she did incline her head in greeting.

"Dr. Loss," I said, inclining my head in turn.

"Officer Bane," she said formally.

Hodge cut in, "Thank you for coming, Magnus."

"Anything I can do to help," I responded, trying not to crumble under my chief's intense stare.

"We'll get started right away. Dr. Loss will be inside the room for monitoring purposes. If Alexander responds negatively to any of the questions, she, and _only_ she, will tend to him. Understood?"

I nodded.

"I do not know what Alexander's intentions are in requesting your attendance, but at no point are you to interfere with the interview. We cannot make it seem as though we are manipulating the answers he gives us. You do not have authority to touch the victim while the interview is being conducted, nor are you allowed to speak to him. I will ask the questions, Alexander will give me the answers. These rules apply to the both of you. Is that clear?" Hodge's eyes darted between Cat and I.

"Affirmative," I answered.

"Yes, sir," Cat replied.

With a single nod, Hodge turned and opened the door behind him. We filed inside; Hodge first, then Cat, and finally me. I closed the door and positioned myself behind the chair Hodge had placed at the foot of Alec's bed. Cat stood at my side, arms folded across her chest. Only when Hodge seated himself did I chance a glance at Alec, but the nineteen-year-old was not even looking at me. He was staring into his blanketed lap, his curtain of dark hair shielding his eyes.

Hodge placed a small black object on the table that had been wheeled in front of him. "We're going to begin now, Alexander. Is that all right?"

Alec said nothing, just clasped his hands tightly in his lap.

Hodge pushed a button on the recording device and sat back in his chair. A clipboard I hadn't noticed before now rested in one of his hands. A pen waited in the other, at the ready. I wondered if the recording device was picking up the hammering of my heart.

"Can you please state your name?" Hodge asked, his voice as gentle as he could manage.

Alec hesitated. His face angled upwards enough that I could see hints of blue in his black bangs. His eyes searched for a moment before settling on me. I allowed the corner of my mouth to curve into a reassuring smile.

"Alexander Lightwood," Alec said quietly, his voice shaking as he recited his full first name.

"And how old are you, Alexander?"

Another pause. "Nineteen."

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Cat nodding her head approvingly, like a proud teacher watching her students recite their lines for a school play.

"Can you tell me what seven plus eight is?"

Alec stiffened. His eyes darted from me over to Cat and back to me, frantic for help. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from mouthing 'fifteen.' Everyone in the room knew that Alec had no mathematical skills, but Hodge's questions were strategic. The answer, of course, was fifteen, which would lead smoothly to Hodge's next query of what had occurred fifteen years ago.

"I just need a yes or a no, Alexander," Hodge prompted. "Can you tell me what seven plus eight is?"

Alec's pale cheeks flooded with a pink lustre. My heart clenched to see him embarrassed.

"No," he finally whispered.

Hodge nodded. "Seven plus eight is fifteen. That's a significant number, isn't it? Can you tell me what happened fifteen years ago?"

The teenager's body tensed. He pulled his legs slightly closer to his chest, his knees creating small bumps under the blanket. One of them began to rapidly bounce up and down, an action I'd come to recognize as a tic one exhibited out of nervousness or agitation. He murmured something too soft to hear.

"I'm sorry, I need you to speak more clearly," Hodge instructed.

Alec jumped at the firmness of Hodge's tone. He glanced at me again, his blue eyes pleading. When I could not summon a smile, I gave him the smallest of nods.

"They took me," he said, his voice hushed.

"You were abducted fifteen years ago?" Hodge repeated, for the clarity of the recording.

"Yes."

"Do you know who abducted you?"

Alec rested his forehead in his palm. To anyone else he likely appeared as though he was bored, but I recognized the way he was curling in on himself, the way he was hiding his face, the way he used his own hands to try and comfort himself. He was trying to block everyone out, to make everything disappear.

"Let me rephrase the question: Did you ever see the faces of your attackers?"

"No."

"Not once during those fifteen years?"

Alec's voice rose. "No!"

Beside me, Cat's arms dropped to her sides. She watched her patient intently.

"Did they wear masks?"

"Yes."

"Did they ever call each other by name?"

"No."

"Were your attackers male or female?"

Alec's fingers slid into his hair and tightened around the strands, pulling. "Two men."

"Two men?"

"Yeah."

"Alexander, you were held in captivity for fifteen years. What did your captors do to you while you were imprisoned in that house?"

"Bad things," Alec whispered.

"What kinds of bad things?"

Knowing Alec was not watching me, I shook my head. _Jesus, Hodge._ I knew it was imperative to get as much information as possible out of Alec, but scratching at his scars was going to make his wounds worse. I didn't want him to get used to the pain, I wanted him to heal.

Hand still fisted in his hair, Alec looked up at Hodge. I drew in a long breath to see the glimmering pools brimming at the bottoms of his eyes.

"Please. . ." he whispered.

Hodge was relentless. "Jordan Kyle and Simon Lewis both stated that they were sexually assaulted by your attackers. They also stated that you offered yourself to protect them. Is that true?"

With his free hand, Alec picked at a loose thread on the blanket. He drew in shallow, ragged breaths. Even from across the room, I could see the trembling of his limbs.

"Jordan and Simon told us that they witnessed you being forced to perform oral sex on your abductors. Your abductors also forced you to masturbate in front of them, and you were also forced to participate in anal sex. Are these claims true?"

"Stop it," Alec whimpered weakly.

"Please answer the question."

Alec's body began to rock forward and back rhythmically. His other hand found its way into his hair, snow-colored fingers twisting into ink-like tresses. "Please stop."

"Alexander, were you raped by your abductors?"

"Don't call me that!" Alec screamed.

Cat and I both jumped, startled by the outburst. Still rocking himself and clutching at his hair, Alec drew his knees up to his chest and sobbed into them. Between his cries and gasps for air, I could faintly hear Alec begging Hodge to stop. Cat hurried to Alec's side. She reached for his shoulder but Alec flinched away from her. I watched as she drew a capped syringe out of her pocket. She pulled the cap off and pushed the needle into the side of Alec's neck. Alec recoiled instantly, scrabbling on the bed to get away from her. The heart rate monitor still attached to Alec beeped in a mad frenzy, warning alarms blaring. Catarina reached for him, speaking in a soothing voice, but Alec cringed away from her, whimpering 'no' over and over and over.

Hodge, as calm as a meditating Buddhist, rose from his chair and switched off the recording device. Tucking his items under his arm, he dismissed me to go home and walked out of Alec's room without a backward glance.

I rushed over to Alec's bedside to help try and calm him, but the sedative Cat had injected him with was already taking effect. His muscles were beginning to relax and his eyelids were beginning to droop. I gently pushed on Alec's shoulder to recline him against the pillows.

"He'll be all right," Cat said, and I knew she wasn't referring to the effects of the sedative.

I nodded and offered a small smile. Cat's lips curved but the smile did not reach her eyes. She disposed of the syringe and left the room without comment. I stared at the open doorway, wondering if I should go after her. When I looked down, I saw that Alec's eyes were closed, damp trails on his cheeks the only remnants of his pain. His breathing had evened out. With my pulse leaping in my throat, I slid my hand across the mattress and under Alec's downturned palm. His fingers twitched and, ever so slightly, curled around mine.

* * *

The evening prior had been draining, both physically and mentally. I'd stayed with Alec for a while after his episode, watching over him as he slept. I regretted leaving before he woke up, but there were still things I had to get in order before his discharge. I'd left the hospital and gone straight to a small strip mall. There I'd stocked up on groceries such as soup, crackers, and ginger ale. My next stop had been a department store, where I'd picked up an array of clothing. My selection was a bit bland and the sizes were all different, but I knew they'd suffice until I figured out what suited Alec. It had felt awkward in the men's underwear section. I'd debated whether it was appropriate or not to buy Alec something, but in the end I'd thrown a couple pairs of boxers and a package of boxer briefs into the cart. He didn't have to wear them, but I wanted him to at least have a choice.

After shopping, I'd driven straight home to clean my house and wash Alec's clothes. I'd scrubbed the bathroom until all the surfaces shone and squeaked. It had taken me three attempts until I was satisfied with the sheets and blankets on the spare bed. There was not a wrinkle in sight. The cat hadn't been too impressed on being locked out of the room, but he quit his verbal assault when I'd given him an extra helping of dinner. I'd finally gotten to bed just after two in the morning.

Today, thankfully, was my day off. I pulled into a parking space in front of the hospital and pried my fingers from the steering wheel, wincing as the blood rushed back into my fingertips after my death grip. A quick glance in the rear view mirror revealed dark splotches under my yellow-green eyes. I had five hours of tossing and turning to thank for that. I grabbed the duffle bag from the passenger seat and got out of the car. My legs wobbled as I made my way into the hospital. My pulse was fluttering in my throat. I knew it was selfish of me, but I was nervous of Alec declining my offer. No matter how badly I wanted to protect him, it was still his choice.

Catarina was waiting outside Alec's room. I stopped short, surprised to see her. She hadn't returned before I'd left last night, and today was also her day off. So what was she doing here?

She turned her head and spotted me. "There you are. I was waiting for you."

"What are you doing here?" I asked, not unkindly.

Cat narrowed her eyes. "I work here. Nice duffle bag."

The nape of my neck tingled. The inflection of her voice suggested she'd already guessed my purpose for being here. I was about to get my ass handed to me.

"Cat—"

"Word through the grapevine is that you're taking him home with you."

"I am not taking him home with me. I'm offering him a place to stay. He hasn't said yes yet."

"Why do you feel like it's your responsibility to take care of him, Magnus? No one would think any less of you if you just stepped back and let this play out on its own."

"I would think less of me," I countered.

Cat shook her head. "Having Alec around you all the time is going to affect you. He's going to wear you down. Even if he sees a psychiatrist daily, Alec is going to be a lot to handle."

"So your solution is to wish him luck and send him off by himself to a shelter?"

"Of course not."

"Then what's the problem?"

Cat drew in a deep breath. "Alec is vulnerable right now, and so are you. You just got out of a relationship, and you've made some revelations about yourself. I know you've been really protective toward Alec, and sometimes protectiveness stems from affection."

I bristled. "Why don't you just come right out and say it, _Catarina_?"

Her eyes widened when I bit out her full name, but she continued calmly, "I just don't want you taking advantage of Alec."

I wish she would have slapped me instead. It would have hurt less.

"I think he's had his fill of being taken advantage of," I snapped, trying to shove past her.

"Magnus, wait." She grabbed my arm and handed me a small business card. "Take this. I made some calls and she's agreed to take Alec's case. She's young, but very skilled in her practice. Top of her class."

"Thanks," I muttered, shoving the card into my pocket and continuing on to Alec's room.

Cat did not follow me. I did not like arguing with my best friend. She was the only one who knew about my secret, and I trusted her whole-heartedly with it. But part of me regretted telling her about my preference of men to women. She still treated me like a human being, like nothing had changed, but sometimes she looked at me as though I was fragile. Getting defensive and trying to antagonize her was my way of reminding her of my strength. Bickering always brought us back together.

Alec was sitting upright when I sat in the chair beside him. It brought a smile to my face to see the rose I had given him cradled in his lap. He brushed his finger over the petals and surrounding leaves, a serenity about his face.

"Big day today," I said, setting the duffle bag on the floor.

Alec's hand froze. With a sigh, he cupped the crystalline vase in his hands and set it up on the table sitting on the other side of the bed. Still admiring the gift, he leaned back against the pillows.

I asked gently, "Do you know what's happening today, Alec?"

He nodded without looking at me. "They're sending me away."

"I want to talk to you about that."

Still he did not look at me. I wondered if he was embarrassed about his emotional outburst yesterday, or if he was upset with me for not stepping in to defend him from Hodge's questions. Either way, it was hurting me to see him avoiding my gaze.

"I want to invite you to live with me," I blurted.

Alec tensed. He kept his eyes trained on the rose as he reached up to scratch the bandages around his neck.

"You're more than welcome to stay at my house," I babbled. "It's just me there, and I have an extra room."

Finally he turned to look at me but I felt no victory when his gaze locked with mine. For the very first time, Alexander Lightwood was frightened by me. His blue eyes were wide and his jaw line was hard. Both of his hands were fisted in the blanket so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. My heart felt like it was being crushed.

"W-what about Jace?"

"We're doing all we can to contact him, but Jace can't help you for the moment."

Alec's expression turned desperate. "Can't I go home?"

I caught myself before mentioning Alec's deceased parents. "Jace put your old house up for sale when he left. It doesn't belong to you anymore."

Alec hid his face and twisted the blanket in his hands. I watched him as he tried to formulate a solution with his limited knowledge, his jaw working.

"Alec," I said, "it's entirely your choice. You don't have to stay with me, but if you refuse, your only other choice is to stay in a shelter. You'll be alone there with a bunch of people you don't know. I can't protect you if you stay in a shelter."

Guilt swelled in the pit of my gut. I was giving Alec a choice, but I was pressuring him into making the choice I wanted. I knew how to manipulate him, but I wasn't doing so to take advantage of him. My instincts were demanding me to take care of him. I couldn't bear the thought of him alone and frightened at a shelter. It was better for both our sakes if he chose to stay with me.

"What do you want me to do?"

"What do _I_ want?"

Alec nodded. "What do you want me to do to repay you?"

I shook my head furiously. "Alec, no. You don't owe me anything. Do you understand? I'm inviting you to stay with me as a guest. There's nothing you need to do for me except rest and get better."

Alec searched my face. His eyes betrayed his doubt, as if he suspected I was lying to him.

"I won't hurt you, Alec," I promised. "I just want to take care of you."

Though he still looked reluctant, Alec nodded. I smiled and reached down for the duffle bag. Alec's IV had already been taken out and he'd been detached from the heart rate monitor. All that was left to do was get him changed into some civilized clothes.

I set the bag on the end of the bed. "I picked up some clothes for you. The sizes are all different so you might have to try a few things on to see what fits. I'll wait outside for you. When you're done I'll take you home."

I shut the blinds on the window and stepped outside of the room. While I waited, I approached the front desk and asked for Alec's discharge papers. The nurse handed me a clipboard and I took my time filling out the information. She smiled when I handed it back to her and indicated where I could find a wheelchair. I followed her instructions and carried the folded chair back to the room. Alec still had not emerged, so I busied myself with unfolding the chair and putting the footrests down.

After thirty minutes, I lightly rapped on Alec's door. There was no reply so I pushed the door open a crack. Alec was sitting on the end of the bed with his back to me. As far as I could see, he was fully clothed in a t-shirt and sweats.

"Alec?"

I stepped farther into the room. He was staring at the floor, his hands curled around his two most precious gifts: my rose and the paper Simon and Jordan had given him. His feet dangled off the floor, flip flops threatening to slide off his feet. Though it was not terribly cold outside, I regretted not finding him some warmer footwear. I walked around to crouch down in front of him and looked up into his eyes.

"I'm scared, Magnus," he whispered.

"I know," I said, restraining myself from touching him. Now was not the time. "But everything will be all right. I promised to take care of you, and I intend to keep that promise. Do you trust me?"

He hesitated for a moment before nodding. I smiled and straightened, reaching for the duffle bag on the bed. It took a minute of rifling through the contents before I found what I was looking for. I politely asked Alec to look at me and when he lifted his face, I set the ball cap on his head and adjusted it so it rested comfortably. My hands automatically reached to push Alec's hair out of his eyes. He flinched only slightly when I touched him, but I pulled my hand hastily away. Next I handed him one of my old zip-up hoodies. Alec set down his gifts and stood up. I knew he was wearing the smallest shirt from the bag, but it still hung loosely from his body. My hoodie swallowed him up, too. I only hoped that any media personnel lurking around the hospital grounds wouldn't look at Alec twice.

"All right," I said, trying my best to sound cheerful. "Ready to go?"

Alec reached for his gifts, but his hand froze in midair. "Can I— Am I allowed to take these with me?"

"Of course you can. They're yours."

Alec grabbed his only belongings and seated himself in the wheelchair as I instructed. I slung the duffle bag over my shoulder and pushed him out of the room. Alec shifted nervously in front of me. As far as I knew, he hadn't once left his room. This was his first time going through the hospital, and there was no doubt that the bustling of nurses and visitors was making him uncomfortable. Neither of us spoke as I wheeled him to the elevators, though I knew I should say something comforting. Nothing came to mind. The elevator doors slid open, and, luckily, we had it all to ourselves. As we descended to the ground floor, Alec jumped at the stomach-dropping sensation. I smiled to myself when he chuckled quietly.

The atrium was busy so we took our time maneuvering through the throngs of people. Just before we passed through the main entrance, Alec asked me to stop. I did so and hastily had to apply the brakes as Alec rose from the wheelchair. As an officer of the law, I understood the need to follow rules, but I was not about to inform Alec of the hospital's policy on wheeling patients out to their vehicles. He wanted to leave on his own two feet. This was his rebellion. This was his survival.

Leaving the wheelchair behind, I walked at Alec's side as he started cautiously for the exit. The automatic doors slid open as we approached. Alec gasped and latched on to my hand, squeezing my fingers tightly. I jolted but managed to restrain myself from jerking my hand away. In some ways, Alec's mental capacity was that of a child, which meant he was likely to respond to situations in the same manner. I had to be patient and coax him through those situations without caring how I looked or what other people thought of us.

I assured him that it was all right and gently tugged him through the open doorway. Alec's side pressed into mine as he followed, his fingers still gripping mine. He jumped as the second set of doors slid open but continued without stopping. I guided him across the hospital grounds to my car. Alec's head whipped around all the while, taking in the surrounding trees, buildings, and the open sky. When we reached my car, I helped Alec get settled into the passenger seat before tossing the duffle into the back and walking around to get in the driver's side. Alec watched in fascination as I started the engine and shifted into reverse.

I drove slowly on the way home, much to the agitation of the drivers behind me. Alec's face was all but glued to the window. Only when we were at a stoplight did his gaze fall to his feet as he avoided the eyes of the drivers beside us.

We finally pulled into my driveway and I killed the engine. Alec remained in his seat as I got out, yanking the duffle out of the backseat. I opened his door and reminded him how to unlatch his seatbelt. On shaky legs he slid out of the car and followed me up to the front door. My keys banged against the door as I unlocked it. The door swung open and I stood aside, inviting Alec in first. He passed by me on unsteady legs, but he did not get far before being ambushed by my cat.

"Sorry," I apologized as the ball of fur wound himself between Alec's legs. "It's just my cat. He's friendly but he'll trip you if you're not careful."

Alec stiffened as first but relaxed when the feline rubbed up against his shins, purring. Holding his gifts in one hand, he tentatively extended his hand downward. The cat craned his neck so Alec could scratch the top of his head.

"What's his name?"

"He doesn't have a name," I admitted, shutting the front door.

"Why not?"

"My girlfriend bought him shortly before she and I. . . broke up. She left him here and I just never got around to naming him."

"Oh," Alec said sadly.

I could hear the disappointment in his voice so I switched topics. "I'll show you to your room."

Alec followed me around the corner and down the hall. The cat pranced happily behind him, pleased by the attention Alec had given him. I pushed open the door to the spare room and stepped aside. Alec entered and looked at the double bed and the small dresser. There was a lamp and a couple books stacked on the small bedside table. Alec picked up one of the paperbacks and turned it this way and that, studying it curiously. I hadn't given any thought to storing them somewhere else. They made the room feel a little more. . . lived in.

The cat hopped up on the bed and began making a nest. I could have sworn he flashed me an evil smirk as he mussed the unwrinkled blankets. Ignoring the cat's smug satisfaction, I watched Alec set his flower and paper on the table, adjusting them to his liking.

"Would you like to have a shower?" I asked.

Alec's shoulders went visibly tight.

"It might feel better to get all the hospital gunk off," I added hastily.

He nodded and followed me to the bathroom. I handed him a fresh towel and showed him how to work the shower nozzle. New bottles of shampoo and body wash lined the edge of the tub. I'd been careful to buy different colored bottles, since he was unable to read. When he was clear on which was which, I made for the door.

"Just give me a shout if you need anything, okay?"

Without replying, Alec unzipped his hoodie and let it slide from his shoulders. He then grasped the hem of his t-shirt and pulled it up and over his head, displaying his naked torso. I was glad his eyes were averted so they couldn't see me scanning his flat stomach, his too-narrow hips, and his faintly-protruding ribs. When his thumbs hooked into the waistband of his sweats to push them down, I hastily turned.

"I'll be right outside," I called over my shoulder, closing the door behind me.

I felt his surprised gaze on me until the door separated us. Had he thought I was going to watch him strip down and shower? Was that what had been expected of him? I waited until I heard the shower running before making my way back to Alec's room. The dresser drawers had been emptied long ago, so I refolded the clothes from the duffle bag and put them away neatly. The cat threw an endless string of meows at me until I gave in and fed him. When there was nothing left to do, I sat down in the living room and turned on the TV, keeping the volume low in case Alec called for me.

After forty-five minutes I switched the TV off and made for the bathroom. The water was still running, but I knew from experience that the hot water did not last that long. I knocked quietly on the door, just loud enough for Alec to hear me over the shower. When there was no response, I opened and door and peeked inside. A thin haze of steam caressed my face. When it cleared I saw Alec sitting on the floor, his legs drawn up to his chest and his face pressed into his knees. He was clothed again but his damp hair clung to his face and neck. Without saying anything, I sat down beside him on the floor, pulled him into my arms, and held him while he cried.


	5. Nothing to Forgive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! I have another MASSIVE chapter for you. So sorry for its length. I can't contain my excitement in writing this story. I hope the pace of this chapter isn't too slow for you. I'd like to thank everyone for leaving comments and kudos! I can't express enough appreciation for that. You all are keeping this story (and its characters) alive. I'd love more comments, so feel free to let me know what's on your mind! :) Cheers, and happy reading!

Alec emerged from his bedroom, wringing the hem of his t-shirt in his hands. I hastily shoved my phone into my pocket and rose from the couch. His eyes looked at me sheepishly from under his bangs before darting to the floor. He had removed the dripping bandages from around his neck, revealing the necklace of angry red bumps marring his skin.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I knew he was apologizing for crying. He'd sobbed in my arms for so long that I'd had to change my shirt when he'd finally calmed down. The soft cotton had been drenched in tears. "You don't have to apologize, Alec. It's okay."

He did not look at me again. The corners of his mouth were tight, almost as if he were grimacing or flinching. His body was tense, his shoulders hunched slightly. I'd seen this kind of stance before, in people who were expecting to be hit. Alec thought I was going to strike him. I assumed his abductors had not taken too kindly to Alec's tears in the past.

An awkward silence hung between us. After a moment, I invited him to sit down. Alec timidly joined me in the living room, giving me a wide berth as he passed. He picked a spot on the sofa across the room from me. The moment he sat down, the cat rushed across the floor and threw himself into Alec's lap. Alec jumped, digging his hands into the sofa's cushion. When the cat completed his customary circles and lay down in a ball, Alec relaxed and uncurled his fingers. He watched the animal in fascination, the corner of his lips tugging into a small smile.

At ease, I sat back down and reached for the remote beside me. "Would you like to watch TV?"

Alec tore his eyes from the cat and looked at me quizzically. "What's TV?"

Instead of trying to explain it to him, I switched on the screen and searched through the guide for something appropriate. News broadcasting channels were automatically ruled out, followed by crime dramas. I didn't think Alec would understand any soap operas or comedies, so I settled for a cartoon on the children's network.

Bright colors filled the screen as small animated characters sang and danced in the foreground. Alec's eyes widened, awed and bewildered. He leaned forward in his seat slightly as he gaped at this new discovery. I tried to hide my smile as I watched him. Looking at him now, I saw an average teenager. Small, but normal. There was not a trace of fear on him, nor was there any evidence of him having endured fifteen years of cruelty and terror. He did not look vulnerable; he looked. . . beautiful.

We sat quietly for a few hours, watching an endless stream of cartoons. Alec was completely captivated, no less engrossed than he had been after his first five seconds of experiencing television. I'd never been a fan of cartoons; the cheeriness and exaggerated attempts at humor annoyed me. But for Alec's sake I pretended to be interested. I relaxed into the couch and smiled at scenes that were supposed to be funny. It did not take long before I no longer had to pretend. For the first time in a long time, I was not alone in my house. There was a sense of normality to my life, just sitting around and watching TV with a friend. For the first time in a long time, I felt content.

It was during one of the commercial breaks that I noticed Alec move through the corner of my eye. I glanced over and saw him reclining into the sofa, his eyes narrowed in pain. His fingers were knotted in his shirt again. Sensing Alec's discomfort, the cat roused from his nap and twisted his head to look up at Alec from over his shoulder. When I asked if he was all right, Alec nodded without comment and went back to watching TV. I continued watching him. Whatever he was experiencing vanished and returned intermittently. One minute he would be fine and the next he would be hunched over, what little color there was left in his face draining away. I asked him again if he was feeling okay and got the same response. Just as I readied myself to get off the couch, I heard it: a low but distinguished rumbling. Alec grimaced and the cat meowed in protest as the legs under him shifted.

"Do you need something to eat?" I asked.

Alec hesitated only a moment before nodding frantically. Cursing inwardly, I hurried into the kitchen and pulled a new box of crackers from the cupboard. After filling a glass with water, I grabbed a handful of crackers and rushed back into the living room. The cat had abandoned Alec's lap but had not wandered far. Alec was curled in on himself, clutching at his stomach. I urged him to sit up and pressed the water and crackers into his hands. He took a sip from the glass and began nibbling at the edge of a cracker. I did not have to remind him to eat slowly for his starved stomach.

"I'm sorry," I said gently. "I lost track of time. I should have made lunch for you a while ago."

"It's okay," Alec whispered, taking another small bite.

I crouched down in front of him so he would look at me. "Alec, you have to tell me when you're hungry. Remember what I told you? You don't need permission to eat anymore."

His eyes glimmered. I could see doubt swimming in the blue depths. My words of comfort had not yet liberated him. Fifteen years of unspeakable punishments rendered him unable to trust me, and though I certainly didn't blame him for that, it still tore at me to be thought of as a possible threat. I'd saved him from the house, but I had not saved him from the torture.

When Alec did not respond, I asked, "Do you want me to make you some soup?"

He shook his head. "I don't feel good."

I resisted the urge to touch the back of my hand to his forehead. "The crackers and water will help."

True to my word, a touch of color returned to Alec's cheeks as he continued to eat. The color of his eyes brightened and he was able to sit up straighter. When he was finished, the cat jumped up into his lap and made himself cozy. Alec tentatively stroked the feline's head as he returned his attention back to the cartoon on the TV. I traded my place on the couch for the spot on the floor right in front of him. Either he was too absorbed in the cartoon to notice or he was comfortable with my close proximity. I chose to believe the latter.

* * *

 

The remainder of the evening consisted of more cartoons and a dinner of soup and crackers. Alec finished only half his bowl, but I did not press him to try and eat more. The last thing I wanted was to accidentally make him vomit. I made a mental note to ask Cat how much Alec should be eating on a regular basis, and how I was to go about gradually increasing his food intake.

The sky outside darkened in a blur and I found myself fighting to keep my eyes open. When I checked the time, I was shocked to find it was nearly midnight. Since I had another day off, I did not need to get up early to go to work, but I had been running short on sleep lately and there were still things I had to do tomorrow, calls I needed to make.

It stumped me to think of what I was supposed to say to Alec. Was I supposed to ask him if he was ready for bed? That would give him the option of saying no, which I wanted to avoid since there was no way in hell I was going to be able to keep my eyes open for much longer. I couldn't just tell him that it was time to turn in. Such commanding authority could frighten him, especially if he jumped to the conclusion that we were going to share a bed.

The TV screen went dark as I pushed the power button on the remote. Alec stared for a moment, confused, before lowering his tired eyes to me.

"We should get some sleep," I murmured.

Just as I suspected, Alec's response was panic. His body went rigid and his eyes widened, the pupils dilating enough to nearly drown the blue irises in black. His lips worked as he tried to concoct an excuse, but he did not speak, did not dare to argue with me. I hated that I had unintentionally caused him such anxiety, but I did not know how to assuage his apprehension without making it worse. I settled for offering a consoling smile and keeping an adequate distance from him.

Alec followed me to his bedroom silently. I checked the doors and flicked off lights along the way. Inside his room, I turned on the bedside lamp and pulled back the blankets on the bed. Alec waited for permission before climbing under the covers. His expression was befuddled, almost flustered, as he shifted around in search of a comfortable position. I moved for the doorway but stopped before leaving the room.

"I'm just going to have a shower and then I'll be going to bed. My room is just down the hall if you need anything. Feel free to sleep with the lamp on."

Alec nodded and turned onto his side so his back was facing me. I watched his small frame curl into a ball under the blankets. I murmured a soft 'goodnight' before making my way to the bathroom. I kept the door open a crack in case Alec called for me while I was in the shower, but the house was quiet aside from the spray of water. When I finished towelling off and changing into fresh clothes, I started for my bedroom. But before I climbed into bed, I decided to quickly check up on Alec. I padded down the hallway and peeked into his bedroom.

The bed was empty.

Panic flared in my chest. Had he fled the house while I was in the shower? As I turned to race farther down the hall, I caught a soft noise from inside Alec's bedroom. It was a sniffle. Muffled, like someone choking back tears. I stepped inside and walked around the side of the bed. Slowly, I lowered myself onto all fours and looked underneath. There, huddled in the tight confines under the bed, was Alec. Even in the dim light, I could see his tear-streaked cheeks and the trembling of his body. His eyes met mine and I heard the soft patters of fresh tears against the floor.

His words from the hospital resonated inside my head: _"I'm scared, Magnus."_ Followed by my reply: _"I know."_

Alec suddenly unfolded one of his arms and reached out to me, his palm upturned. It was impossible for me to squeeze in the space under the bed, so I positioned myself on my stomach with my cheek resting on my arm and reached my left hand for his. His fingers were cold against mine. Alec squeezed my hand, still crying quietly.

I stayed like that for the rest of the night, not daring to fall asleep until Alec did first.

* * *

Rolling my shoulders, I titled my head to both sides to work the cricks out of my neck. Sleeping on the floor all night had not come and gone without some painful reminders. The dull ache in the rest of my body did not make me bitter for my sacrifice, but I did miss the softness of my pillows and mattress. The floor had been unforgiving, and getting to my feet this morning had resulted in numerous pops and cracks of my bones and joints.

Alec squirmed in the passenger seat beside me, twiddling his fingers in his lap. He'd been quiet all morning, only nodding or shaking his head when I asked him questions. Sleeping on the hard floor hadn't seemed to have any effect on him, but he'd had plenty of practice sleeping in a locker over a span of years. Now, he whispered, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I asked, rubbing my eye with the heel of my hand.

Alec remained silent. In truth, we both knew what he was referring to. Despite what I'd told him the day before, he was apologizing again for crying. And he was apologizing for sleeping on the floor inside of in the bed I had provided for him. I wanted to ask why he'd chosen the floor, but I'd come up with three logical conclusions on my own: One being that the bed was too comfy, something he was not used to. Another thought was that being on the mattress surrounded him in open space. Again, tight confines were what he was used to. My final guess was that Alec knew I could not fit under the bed. Perhaps that limitation had made him feel safe, protected from me. Of course, if that had been the case, I couldn't help but wonder why he'd held my hand the entire night.

I yawned. "Don't worry about it, Alec. There's nothing to forgive. Really."

Alec glanced out his window. "Where are we going?"

"To a friend's," I answered simply.

He did not pry, which I appreciated. Instead he just looked out the window as we drove into a friendly neighborhood with small houses and massive oak trees lining both sides of the street. Most of the leaves had already dropped to the ground, but no beauty had been lost in the orange, yellow, and brown speckling the road. I turned left off the street and into the driveway of a white house with a red door. I turned off the engine and inhaled deeply, preparing myself.

"Just stay behind me and don't say anything, okay?" I instructed gently.

Alec nodded and undid his seatbelt. He waited for me on his side of the car before we followed the tidy path up to the front door. The playful shrieks of children could be heard in the distance. Alec looked around for the sources of the noise as he waited on the bottom step. Swallowing my pride, I rang the doorbell and descended the first step, positioning myself directly in front of Alec's small frame.

Rustling could be heard from inside the house before the red door swung open. A blonde woman with green eyes stood in the doorway. She was clad in a white lace shirt and dark skinny jeans that hugged her curves. Red stiletto heels covered her feet even though she was inside. Her blonde hair was neatly curled and hung over her shoulders, resting above the swell of her breasts. The broad smile she wore disappeared the instant her eyes fell on my face.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," she spat.

"Hello, Camille," I said politely.

Camille pointed a red manicured finger at me. "I have nothing to say to you."

"I know you're pissed at me, but I'm here to ask for a favor."

"You can take your favor and shove it up Ragnor Fell's ass. That's what you like doing with your dick, isn't it?"

I flushed. Ragnor Fell had been the man I'd left Camille for. He was the first man I'd ever been with, and the experience had not been a pleasant one. "You might want to speak up. I don't quite think all your neighbors heard you."

"Get off my property, douche bag." Camille moved to slam the door.

I lurched forward, holding my arms out in front of me. "Wait, wait, wait!"

Camille paused, half of her body concealed by the door. She raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow and pursed her lips in annoyance.

"Have you heard about the three boys that were rescued recently?" I questioned.

"The Alexander Lightwood case? Yeah." She narrowed her dark-lashed eyes. "What do you want? A congratulations?"

"You're one of the best tutors in the city. You've helped kids of all ages excel in their studies."

"Where are you going with this, Magnus?"

I exhaled and stepped aside, revealing Alec. Camille's eyes widened and her fingers moved to cover her agape mouth. Alec rubbed his arm under her gaze, only making eye contact with her briefly.

"Are you willing to take another student?"

Camille opened the door fully and pressed her hand to her chest. "How am I supposed to help him?"

"Just teach him the basics for now. Reading, writing, math."

"I don't think—"

"I'll pay you," I cut in. "Generously."

Greed flashed in her money-colored eyes, if only for a moment. She recovered quickly and folded her arms across her chest, pushing her hip out. I knew she would have a sense of satisfaction from me paying her. In her mind, I was admitting that I was in the wrong about our breakup and now I was reimbursing her for it. This was me grovelling at her high-heeled feet.

With an exaggerated sigh, Camille spun on her heel and strode into her house, waving for us to follow. I let Alec walk ahead of me, trying not to be ashamed that I was using him as a buffer. We followed Camille through the entryway to the living room. I fought to not wrinkle my nose at the leather furniture, gleaming hardwood floors, massive flat screen TV, and expensive fireplace. Camille's expensive tastes had not changed. She seated herself in a leather recliner and crossed one leg over the other.

"How many sessions per week? And when would you like to start?" she queried curtly.

"As many as you see fit, and you can start today if you have time."

Her lips tightened in aggravation. She glared at me for a moment before flashing a warm smile at Alec. She patted the open seat next to her. "Please sit down, sweetheart."

Alec did not move until I persisted. His steps were slow and cautious as he moved to sit down. Once seated, he let his hair fall over his eyes.

"Alexander—"

"Alec," I interrupted.

Camille glowered at me.

I finished firmly, "He goes by Alec."

"Alec, do you know the letters of the alphabet?"

Alec shook his head.

"Can you count to ten?"

Another head shake.

"If I gave you a piece of paper and a pencil, would you be able to write your name for me?"

Alec shook his head for the third time. Camille clutched her knee, frustration evident in her tight grip. She rose from the recliner and marched up to me, her heels clacking on the floor. I'd always hated the sound. Women in heels intimidated me. If Hodge ever wore a pair of heels, I doubted I'd be able to control my bladder.

"You're giving me nothing to work with," she hissed into my ear. "The kids I've tutored have had basic skills at the very least."

"You haven't refused my offer," I whispered back.

Her jaw clenched. "We'll discuss my price later. Now would be a good time to say goodbye to your bank account, Magnus."

For the next hour, I sat quietly as Camille recited the first four letters of the alphabet over and again with Alec. She discussed the sounds of the letters and showed him what they looked like on paper. Even after sixty minutes of sitting next to her, Alec had not warmed up to Camille. She had been nothing but patient and gentle with him. She was a completely different woman with him than she was with me. I hadn't known she was capable to such kindness. But Alec was not at ease next to her. He was tense and did not speak when she encouraged him to say the letters with her. Maybe he was shy of her, or maybe the learning process was daunting. I hoped it would get better over time.

When Camille showed no signs of stopping quite yet, I reached into my pocket for my phone. As I pulled it out, something fluttered to the floor. I bent over and picked it up, turning it over. The jeans I wore were the same pair from yesterday, and I had forgotten all about the card Cat had given me. The name of the psychiatrist and her office's number were neatly printed on the front. I figured now would be a good time to schedule Alec to see her.

As I got up from my seat, Alec's head snapped up and followed my movements. I made for the entryway, already dialing the number. I'd make the call outside where my voice wouldn't be a distraction.

"Magnus—" Alec began.

"Stay here," I said without looking back.

A breeze had picked up outside, tossing up the leaves in a twirling dance and carrying the comforting scent of the damp outdoors. Closing the door behind me, I seated myself on the front steps and stared at the name on the card. I couldn't be sure, but I thought—

A cheerful voice interrupted my thoughts. "Dr. Fray's office. How may I help you?"

"Uh, hi," I stammered. "My name is Magnus Bane."

"What can I do for you, Mr. Bane?"

"I'm not sure if she spoke to you directly, but my friend Catarina Loss called your office the other day."

"Ah yes. Dr. Loss mentioned you would be phoning. Is this in regards to Alexander Lightwood?"

"Yes. Um, he goes by Alec," I clarified, remembering his outburst during his interview. "Alexander is kind of a trigger for his anxiety."

"I'll mention that to Dr. Fray. Now that you've called, I'd like to inform you that she has tentatively booked Alec for an appointment tomorrow morning at eight. Will that work for you?"

My shift did not start until nine tomorrow, but I had no idea how long each session lasted. "Do you know how long the appointment will be?"

"Typical appointments are an hour," the receptionist explained politely. "They can be booked for two hours, but considering it will be the initial meeting with the client, I think it will be under an hour."

"That's perfect."

"All right. I'll go ahead and book him in."

Over the faint clacking of nails on a keyboard, I heard the door behind me swing open. Camille called my name. I looked over my shoulder and nearly dropped my phone. Her eyes were wild and her skin was pale. There was no mistake that her adrenaline had stemmed from fear. I thanked the receptionist and hung up without waiting for a reply. Jumping up from the stairs, I followed Camille as she rushed inside.

Alec was on the floor in the living room. He rocked back and forth against the recliner, his arms wrapped around his torso and his knees drawn up to his chest. The gasping breaths he drew in were strangled and inhuman.

"He said he couldn't breathe," Camille said in a rush.

I raced forward and dropped to my knees in front of Alec. His eyes were on my face, but the light behind them was distant. His hyperventilating intensified. If I couldn't calm him down, he was going to pass out.

Against my better judgement, I grabbed Alec's shoulders and shook him slightly. "Alec, it's okay. I'm right here. I need you to take a deep breath for me."

His breathing pattern did not change. My hands moved from Alec's shoulders to his face. "Alec, look at me."

His eyes had never left mine, but now I felt him _see_ me.

"You have to calm down, okay? Take a deep breath through your nose."

He tried and only sucked in anther ragged gasp of air.

"Like this." I inhaled deeply through my nose and let it out, repeating the process over and over until Alec finally managed to copy me. "Good. One more time. . . And again. You're okay, Alec."

After a few more breaths, Alec's breathing finally became controlled. He'd stopped rocking back and forth, but his arms, still wrapped around his torso, were quavering. My hands were still cupping Alec's cheeks.

"You left me," he whispered.

"What?"

"I thought you were leaving me here."

_Jesus Christ._ He'd thought I was leaving him with Camille. Of all people, Alec had the strongest misconception on what prices and payments meant. It had not been clear to him that I was not giving him to her. He'd called out for me when I'd left and I'd told him to stay put without looking back. I knew now how that must have looked in his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said, pulling him into my shoulder.

As I held Alec, I glanced over and found Camille watching us. Her usual arms-crossed-hip-out stance lacked its signature sassiness. She did not say anything, just inclined her head and turned away, disappearing down the hallway. Her actions were clear enough without words: _Class dismissed._

* * *

A quick trip to the hospital had confirmed the symptoms of a panic attack. Cat performed a thorough check up to make sure Alec was fine before sending us home. I'd been grateful that my best friend was there to help me. She'd explained the early warning signs of the attacks and had even complimented me on handling the first episode. She'd been thrilled that I was taking Alec to meet Dr. Fray in the morning, and had gone out of her way to prescribe Alec some sleeping pills when I'd told her about his first night at my place. We'd left shortly after that, but not before Cat had pulled me into the tightest, most meaningful hug. With Alec's help, I'd then picked out a bouquet of flowers for her and had them delivered as a heartfelt thank you.

That night had played out in a familiar roll of events. Alec and I watched cartoons and ate soup and crackers for dinner. When we'd gone to sleep that night, I'd been smart enough to haul extra blankets and pillows into the bedroom. Alec slept under the bed and I slept on the floor, and neither of us had any complaints.

Today marked the first meeting with Alec's psychiatrist, a fundamental foothold in his recovery. I planned to stay with Alec through the entire appointment, but I did not know if Dr. Fray would allow me to sit in during their meeting, what with patient confidentiality and all.

Both of us were quiet as I drove to the office building. Alec was glued to my side after I'd parked the car and began guiding him inside. We walked through the lobby and took the elevator up to the fifth floor. Alec got a kick out of the weightless sensation, which brought a smile to my face. Once inside the right office, we approached the front desk. I recognized the receptionist's voice from the call I'd made yesterday. If she was upset over my abrupt hang up, she did not show it. We hadn't been sitting for three minutes before a young woman stepped into the waiting room and called Alec's name. My jaw fell open the instant I saw her. Her red hair and green eyes were unmistakeable. She was the girl in the photos on Luke's desk, a spitting image of her mother. This was Jocelyn Fray's daughter, and Jocelyn Fray was Luke's girlfriend. Heat flooded my cheeks when I thought back to teasing Luke about growing facial hair to please his future stepdaughter. It seemed almost unfathomable that this esteemed psychiatrist was my age.

Clary led us into her office, which was comfortably lit with soft lights. Beige walls gave off a bit of warmth to the room. A bookcase jammed from top to bottom with books rested against the far wall. On the opposite side sat a large oak desk. I noticed a laptop, an appointment book, and several framed photos spread out over the surface. I wondered if Luke was in any of them. In the middle of the room were three chairs, one facing the other two. Clary indicated for us to seat ourselves in the two sitting side by side before seating herself.

"Alec, I'm Dr. Fray. It's a pleasure to meet you." She extended her hand, waiting patiently until Alec unfroze and shook it. She then turned to me. "You must be Officer Bane."

"Magnus," I said, taking her small hand in mine.

"Dr. Loss spoke very highly of you on the phone."

"She's told me great things about you as well."

Clary smiled and turned to Alec. "I know this may be frightening for you, but I would like to assure you that this is a safe place. I ensure complete confidentiality with all my clients, which means nothing you say will leave this room. Now, I'd like to see you five times a week, one hour per appointment. We can extend that if you feel the need, but for now it's a good start. You can speak to me as much or as little as you like. I'm not here to judge you, I'm not here to diagnose you. I'm here to listen and to help you. Do you understand?"

Alec nodded. Clary smiled and leaned back in her chair. The lights in the room emphasized the freckles on her nose. She pulled a notebook and pen from their place tucked in the cushion and opened to a random page, her pen poised to write. Alec said nothing but I could see Dr. Fray scrawling something on the page. Was she assessing his appearance? Was she making an inference of the two of us walking in together? Was she doodling? I cleared my throat awkwardly.

Clary glanced at me over her notebook and smiled at Alec. "Remember, you can say as much or as little as you like. There are no judgements here."

So we sat in silence for the next forty minutes, with nothing to break the quiet other than the ticking of a wall clock and the scratching of pen on paper. Alec stared into his lap the entire time, hardly moving. I shifted in my chair from time to time, trying not to draw attention to myself. That earned me several chastising glances from a psychiatrist half my size. Finally, Clary closed her notebook and tucked it away.

"I think that will be all for this session. Alec, you've done very well for your first time. I'm going to borrow Magnus for a moment, if that's all right. We won't be long."

Alec looked about to protest, but, as usual, said nothing. My fingers brushed over his shoulder as I followed Clary out of the room. She closed the door firmly and looked up at me with warm green eyes.

"Is that normal?" I asked. "For a client to not say anything the entire time?"

She shrugged. "It happens."

"I don't see the point in him coming if he's never going to say anything."

"I need Alec to trust me. If sitting in silence is what it takes to get him to open up, we'll just have to be patient. Trust doesn't happen just because you book an appointment for it."

I nodded. "Thank you for letting me sit in today. He tends to get nervous when I'm not around."

"That's a habit I'm afraid we'll have to break," Clary stated simply. "He's showing a certain dependency on you, and I will never have Alec's full trust if he needs you at his side giving him permission to speak."

I staggered at her words. "It's not like that."

"I do not mean to offend you," Clary rectified. "Just let me be clear in saying Alec will have to learn to be strong without you. I allowed you to join the session today to put Alec at ease. From now on, I ask that you remain in the waiting room during our sessions."

_Good luck with that._ "Of course."

"You're free to go. I'll have Alec scheduled in for the rest of the week. Does the same time work for you?"

"Sure."

Clary shook my hand once again before stepping back into her office. She spoke softly to Alec before sending him out. I uttered a thank you to the receptionist as we passed, which she returned with a friendly goodbye. I escorted Alec back to the car and drove to the station. More silence hovered between us.

As we waited at a red light, I said, "I hope you don't mind hanging out at the station today."

Alec looked over at me. "Will you be there?"

"Of course."

He nodded. "Then it's okay."

I found myself growing steadily more nervous as I pulled into the station's parking lot. Hodge and I were about to have a discussion, and I wasn't sure how he was going to react. I hadn't expected taking care of Alec to be so. . . restricting. My original plan had been to have him spend the day with Camille while I worked. She would incorporate his therapy sessions into their lesson plans. But Alec's separation anxiety had been an unexpected surprise. I couldn't leave him with Camille and I couldn't leave him at home. Bringing him to the station limited me to paperwork, since there was no way Luke and I could bring Alec in the car on patrol. Just the thought of eight hours of reports made my head hurt.

Alec followed me into the station and down the aisle to a room at the back. I could feel the curious stares of my fellow officers on us but no one voiced any comments. The room at the back was mainly for storage, and I hoped what I needed was still in there. Flicking on the light, it only took a few minutes before I spotted a small box. I pulled it from its spot on the shelf and headed back to my desk, Alec in tow. He sat in my chair and watched as I set some children's books in front of him, along with some crayons and blank pieces of paper. There were toys in the box, used to for young witnesses and victims brought into the station, but I left them there to avoid insulting Alec. I wasn't even sure he'd know what to do with them.

"What are these?" Alec asked, keeping his hands clasped in his lap.

"These books have some pretty neat pictures. Maybe you can look through them and find some of the letters Camille showed you yesterday." I slid the paper and crayons closer to him. "Or you can draw something." I quickly demonstrated by pulling a blue crayon from the box and sketching a happy face in the corner of the paper.

Alec stared at the paper, intrigued even though it was far from a masterpiece.

"Listen, I have to talk to my boss for a minute. I'll be in that office right over there." I pointed to the door. "You'll be able to see me the entire time. Just promise not to go anywhere, okay?"

Alec glanced at the office, then at me, and slowly nodded. I felt his eyes on me as I made my way over to Hodge's office. A gruff voice invited me in after I knocked. The chief looked up at me as I slid inside and shut the door behind me. He clicked his laptop mouse a couple times before reclining in his chair.

"What can I do for you, Magnus?"

I clasped my hands behind me so he wouldn't see their fidgeting. "I hate to ask this, sir, but is it all right if Alec spends the day here?"

Hodge leaned forward and gazed out the office window. I followed his glance and was surprised to see that Alec was not watching us. The nineteen-year-old was bent over my desk, trying to figure out how to hold a crayon.

"This isn't a daycare facility," Hodge reprimanded, albeit gently.

"I'm aware of that. It's just temporary. There were complications with my original plans."

His eyes narrowed. "What do you mean by temporary?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm afraid I don't have an answer to that. Alec will have to stay with me until I can find someone's he comfortable with to watch him, or until he's comfortable enough to be at home by himself."

"That could be anywhere between the next two weeks and the next two years."

"If it makes it any easier, I'm willing to take reduced shifts so Alec isn't here for long periods of time."

"You want me to cut your hours back considerably?"

"Alec will stay out of the way. I'll make sure of it. He won't bother—"

Hodge held up his hand, cutting me off. He watched me for a long while, his gray eyes hard. "Since you have no social life, you racked up a lot of holiday time that has yet to be used. Following your shift today, I'm marking you down for a temporary leave. Take as long as you need, but you'll only be paid until your holidays run out."

"I— A-are you sure?" I stuttered.

"I could just fire you, if that's what you prefer."

"No, no," I said hastily. "A holiday sounds good."

"Good." Hodge returned to typing on his laptop. "Now get back to work. And feel free to take home some of that paperwork. I hate having to look at it."

"Thank you, Hodge."

His only reply was a small huff. I left his office and made my way back to my desk, trying to conceal my smile. Alec had finally figured out the art of holding a crayon and was busying coloring. He glanced up as I approached and hastily flipped the paper over to hide his work.

"Hey," I greeted him. "What have you got there?"

"Nothing." Alec began gathering the crayons spread out on the desk.

"Did you draw something?"

He shrugged.

I extended my hand. "May I see it?"

Alec was still for a minute before giving another shrug. That simple movement left me feeling unnerved. He was not refusing, but at the same time he was not giving me permission. Different guesses of his artwork flashed inside my head: A collage of smiley faces replicating mine, all drawn in different colors; a child-like depiction of the cat; stick figures with Xs for eyes and covered in blood; the masked faces of his attackers; men or boys with exposed genitalia.

Nervous to look but too concerned to not take a peek, I reached out and gently took the paper in my hand. I flipped it over and felt a numbness spread from my chest all the way to my extremities. None of my guesses had been correct, but there was no relief in seeing what Alec had drawn.

In truth, he hadn't really _drawn_ anything. The entire page was covered in black, traced over and over with thick lines. What troubled me the most was that even the smiley face I had drawn was colored over, and Alec had pressed the crayon so hard that it had ripped through the paper.


	6. Give and Take

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, everyone. Sorry for my little hiatus. I didn't intend to leave you all hanging for such a long time. Just facing some difficulties and struggles in life. Anyway, I have finally written another chapter for you. Not much action yet. Very soon we are going to learn some details about Alec's life as a captive, as well as see a change in Alec and Magnus's relationship. I am going to skip ahead a few months from time to time so you don't have to sit in boredom of all the sappy stuff. But I hope the stuff I'm currently presenting at least gives you some feels. I won't make you wait much longer than I already have. I'd love some feedback! Thanks, guys and gals. :) Cheers  
> Also, all rights for the reference and usage of "The Giving Tree" belong to Shel Silverstein.

The sudden jolt of my body lurched me to wakefulness. I sat up, breathing hard and disorientated. Upon looking around, I realized I was in the guest room. I was on the floor, and the blankets and sleeping bag were twisted around my body in a tangle. Leaning down on one elbow, I peeked under the bed to find Alec sound asleep. Carefully, so as not to wake him, I extracted myself from the sleeping linens and padded down the hallway and into the living room.

Soft illumination from the street lights drifted in through the window. Yawning, I rubbed my eye and then slid my hand back to massage the stiff muscles in my neck. I was exhausted, both physically and mentally, but after the nightmare I'd just had, I felt no desire to go back to sleep.

My feet carried me closer to the window. I stared out into the dark, empty street. It appeared as though all my neighbors were sleeping soundly, undisturbed by nightmares or a broken soul dozing nearby. I was not sure if I envied them, however. Alec had shaken my life of routine, had propelled me into new experiences. Just like him, I was starting anew.

Rustling and a soft moan resonated from the bedroom. I turned to head back before Alec woke and discovered I was gone, but before I made it into the hall, I glanced over at my shoulder at the window. In the farthest corner of my mind, I couldn't help but wonder if Alec's abductors were also looking out a window, searching the darkness for their prized possession, searching for an old life they loved far too much.

* * *

 

Camille snapped her fingers in front of my face. "Are you even paying attention to me?"

"Huh?" I said drowsily.

Her lips, coated in shiny hot pink gloss, pressed into a thin line. "Either make an effort, Magnus, or find yourself another tutor."

"I'm sorry." I sat up straighter. "One more time, please."

She tossed a few thin books into my lap. "Homework. For you."

"Homework?"

"I want you to read to Alec every night."

I glanced down at the children's titles and felt an awkward tingling in my gut. Reading was a fondness of mine, but I loathed reciting words from a page aloud. My narrative voice was only soothing inside my head. On another note, there was something that felt very. . . paternal about reading to Alec. I wanted him to see me as a friend, not as a parent.

"Camille—"

"Look at him."

I followed her gaze to where Alec was seated in the dining room. Writing materials were sprawled out in front of him. Camille had asked him to try and copy the letters she had written down inside a notebook, but he had not even lifted the pencil. He stared down at the open notebook, his hands in his lap.

"He hasn't even spoken to me," Camille continued in a low voice. "He's not resisting me, but he's shutting me out. We can't expect to make any progress until he trusts me. Having you read to him might get him excited enough to learn to be literate."

"And if that doesn't work?"

Camille shrugged. "I can't force knowledge into Alec's head. He has to be willing to learn these things for himself. Ultimately the decision falls in your hands. You decide whether you should be paying someone else for the possibility of better results."

I nodded and gathered the books from my lap. Alec's session with Dr. Fray started in half an hour, and I wanted to drop by the station quickly to retrieve the picture he had drawn the day before. I wished Alec could spend more than an hour and a half with Camille, but her availability was staggered throughout the week. She was generous enough to offer time early in the morning before her other student arrived. Though spending more time with Camille could impact Alec's progress positively, easing him into the learning process slowly seemed to be the better option for now.

"Alec," I called, standing up. "Ready to go?"

He pushed away from the table all too quickly and rushed to my side.

Camille looked from me down to the books in my hand pointedly, then she turned to Alec. Her smile was warm. "Great work today, Alec. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

Alec gave a brief nod before hurrying out the front door ahead of me. I thanked Camille and bode her farewell before following the teenager outside. He was inside the car with his seatbelt buckled before I even had my door open. I slid in next to him and set the books in the backseat.

"Alec, do you not like Camille?"

There was a pause. "I don't know." He turned and looked out the window, avoiding answering me further.

Without another word, I started the engine and pulled out of the driveway. Traffic was growing dense as people began their commutes to work, but I weaved through the other vehicles skillfully. We reached the station in record time. I pulled into a parking space directly in front of the entrance.

"I just have to run inside for a minute. Will you be all right with waiting here?"

Alec glanced from me to the entrance. His blue eyes darted nervously across the parking lot.

"I won't be long," I promised. "I'll lock the doors, and if you need me just come inside."

Alec's gaze grew panicked. "You're locking me in?"

_Shit_. I hadn't made the connection before I'd spoken. I'd meant to reassure Alec that no one would be able to get to him from the outside, but he thought I was trapping him inside, the same way he had been encaged in a locker by his abductors.

"You can still get out, but no one can get in. You'll be safe."

He seemed to relax slightly, but I guessed he was still going to request to accompany me. It surprised me when he nodded, agreeing to stay behind. I offered an encouraging smile and slid out of the car. The locking mechanism kicked in audibly when I pushed the button on the remote. Without looking over my shoulder, I slipped inside the station and made a beeline for my desk.

The drawing was stashed away in one of my drawers. It took some rifling before I found it. Seeing it again frosted my spine but I folded it and slipped it into the pocket of my jeans. I hurried for the exit, intent on getting back to Alec before he got too anxious, but stopped as I neared Luke's desk.

My partner was on the phone, one hand massaging his eyebrow where a stress headache was no doubt beginning to pound. He muttered into the receiver before hanging up and leaning back in his chair. His eyes lacked their usual gleam and his broad shoulders drooped. Defeat might as well have been written in marker across his forehead.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Luke sighed heavily. "That was the case's forensics team. Rape kits revealed traces of semen on our three victims, so we sent the samples in to be tested."

I kept my face masked and unwavering. The last thing I wanted to think about was Alec suffering through the processes of a rape kit shortly after being rescued.

"Turns out our suspects are not in the system. We're working with brand new criminals."

I felt the cloud of Luke's despondence begin to seep into my skin. "What do we do now?"

"Hodge wants to start interviewing all registered sex offenders in the city. See if they've heard anything through their perverted little grapevines. I doubt they'll be willing to negotiate and work with us, but it beats sitting around twiddling our fingers."

"You'll let me know if you find anything?"

Luke stared me in the eye. "You'll be the first."

I clapped my partner on the shoulder appreciatively and continued on my way to the car. Alec was still in his seat when I slid into the driver's side, his seatbelt still snug around his waist, but his fingers clutched his knees so tightly I could see the white of his bones through his skin. He relaxed into his seat when I started the engine, but the fear never left his eyes. I wanted to tear his clawed hand away from his knee and intertwine his fingers with mine, giving him my strength to clutch onto.

Instead, I settled for whispering, "You did great, Alec."

He turned to face me and I saw doubt brewing in the storm of fear in his eyes. He did not believe me. My words of comfort were not enough.

Would they ever be?

* * *

Dr. Fray finally emerged from her office as I finished my fifth lap of pacing the long hallway. Her expression was halfway between amusement and understanding. I knew I must have looked like some crazed, obsessed client, desperate to see his shrink and unload his endless illogical fears.

"Did he speak to you?" I asked.

"That is between me and my client." Her tone was firm but polite, completely professional.

I reached into my pocket and withdrew the folded picture. Clary hesitated a moment before taking it from my outstretched hand and unfolding it. She studied it carefully, her green eyes lingering on the rip in the top corner.

"Alec drew this yesterday. Do you know what it means?"

"He drew the smiley face as well?"

"No. I drew that. He colored over it."

"Deciphering this is beyond my expertise," Clary admitted. "I could have it sent away to be examined if you'd like."

"That won't be necessary." The less people I had poking and prodding at Alec's brain, the better. "What would be your best interpretation, Dr. Fray?"

Clary examined the picture again. "On one hand, Alec could see the face as himself. He feels smothered by darkness. The color could represent fear and the feeling of being alone. He doesn't know how to separate himself from these negative emotions.

"On the other hand, Alec could feel resentment toward the representation of happiness. That could explain why he drew hard enough to rip the paper. Perhaps in his mind, happiness doesn't or shouldn't exist. Why should others feel happiness when all he knows is darkness inside of him?"

I contemplated that. "Maybe I should ask Alec about it."

Clary handed the picture back to me. "I would advise against that. Drawing is a method for Alec to express what is going on inside his mind, and prying for details might stifle him. I'd like to wait until he is able to communicate verbally with me before discussing his artwork with him. In my experience, patience has always outdone persistence."

"You're the doctor," I said, not rudely.

Clary smiled. "Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I'll be better prepared for our appointment tomorrow." She turned to head back into her office but stopped when I called her softly by her first name.

"Do you know a lost cause when you see one?"

Clary's eyes softened. She saw straight through the facade of my question and answered, "Do not doubt yourself, Magnus. You've done far more for Alec than you can imagine."

* * *

 

Alec was quiet for most of the afternoon. He paid little attention to the cartoon on the TV and poked at the soup-cracker mush that sat in the bowl beside him. His behavior concerned me, but, shamefully, I feared what his answer would be if I asked him what was wrong. I wasn't qualified like Clary to give him the answers he needed to hear. Instead, I turned the TV off and asked Alec to get his shoes and coat.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

I zipped up my own jacket and smiled. "You'll see."

The park was not far, about an eight-block walk from my house. Of course, 'not far' was a statement by my standards. Alec, who hadn't gotten much exercise for the past fifteen years, looked about ready for a nap by the time we reached our destination.

Due to the slight chill in the air, there were only a few children climbing around on the playground. They squealed as they chased each other and held races on the slides. Two women sat on a bench nearby, laughing with each other and casting loving glances at their kids.

Alec watched, his expression difficult to read. His eyes lingered on a small boy standing by himself. The faintest smile tugged at Alec's lips when a girl ran up to the boy and tagged him, thus inviting him into their game.

I touched Alec's elbow and motioned for him to follow me. His gaze shifted from me over to the kids and back to me again.

"Follow me," I said gently.

He rubbed his arm. Color flooded into his cheeks, though I knew it was not from the cold. "But. . ."

Without much thought, I reached out and took Alec's hand in mine. His eyes widened at the contact, but he did not pull away from me as I led him over to an unoccupied swing set. I instructed him to sit down and hold on to the chains on either side of him. His movements were slow and unsure but he followed my directions. I positioned myself behind him, pressed my hands against his back, and pushed.

The swing carried Alec forward before guiding him back into my waiting hands. I pushed him again, using slightly more strength to help him gain momentum.

"Swing your legs out when you go forward, and tuck them in when you come back," I instructed gently.

With a couple of tries, Alec began to fall into a rhythm. He began swinging higher, and I continued pushing him. Under my palms I began to feel the loosening of his tight muscles. A laugh even escaped him, which brought a smile to my lips.

Eventually, I seated myself on the swing beside Alec and began to copy his movements. He watched me as I worked to match his height, and a wide smile tugged at his lips when we finally reached synchronization. A glow appeared in his eyes as we swung forward and back in a perfectly matched rhythm.

Seeing him happy spread a warmth through my chest. I wanted to see that genuine smile every day, wanted to hear his laugh as an endless tune. Moreover, I was glad it was me sparking the light inside of him. It felt so rewarding to see him happy rather than trying to hold him together in my arms, trying to hold all his shattered pieces together.

When I looked over again, my brow furrowed to find Alec was barely swinging. His legs were still underneath him and his attention was diverted. Slowing my pace, I followed his line of vision and saw a man, a woman, and a small girl approaching a merry-go-round. The girl jumped onto the platform and grinned as her mother stood behind her, caging her between the bars protectively with her body. They held on, the girl shrieking with delight, as the father began to spin them. Both women laughed as they picked up speed, the father joining in when he gave the mechanism enough of a jolt to teeter his family slightly off balance.

Alec had come to a complete stop. I kicked my heels into the gravel below me to come to rest at his side. His fingers uncurled from around the chains and found their usual spot in his lap.

"Alec?"

He was quiet for a moment before he whispered, "It's my fault."

I left my spot on the swing to stand in front of Alec. He looked past me at the joyful family of three. When a tear slipped from his eye, I crouched down to look up into his face.

"What do you mean?"

"It's my fault they're dead."

I rocked back on my heels as if he'd struck me. "Who?"

"My family."

"Alec, no." I shook my head. "That wasn't your fault. That was an accident."

Alec wiped the tears now freely flowing from his eyes, washing away the happiness that had been there moments before. "It's my fault."

"Why would you think that?"

"They were trying to help me. . . Trying to help other kids like me."

The tragedy of Alec's family had only deepened the pit of hell that was his life. A charity event had been held for missing children and Alec's family had desired to attend on his behalf. Rumor had it that Jace had fallen ill and was unable to attend, but Robert, Maryse, and Isabelle remained adamant on participating. A private jet was provided for them. Halfway through their flight, the engine malfunctioned and sent the aircraft careening downward in a nosedive. The jet exploded upon impact, killing the three Lightwoods and the pilot. Investigators ruled it an accident since the aircraft had not been tampered with and it had passed a thorough inspection before takeoff. Alec, of course, hadn't been able to attend their funeral. At the time, he'd still believed his family was out looking for him, waiting for him to come home.

"They did want to help you, and they wanted to prevent other families from going through the same heartbreak. But their deaths were not your fault, Alec. That was an accident beyond your control. No one could have prevented it."

Alec's eyes, suddenly hollow, fell down to me. "They'd be alive if I hadn't been taken. . . or if I was dead."

I lurched to my feet, barely stifling a gasp. The abrupt movement startled Alec slightly, but he only wiped his eyes again and shrank into himself. My fingers clenched and unclenched as I composed myself. Crouching slightly again, I took Alec's face in my hands and forced him to look at me.

"Don't you ever blame yourself for being taken, Alec. The fault lies with those who decided to snatch a defenceless four-year-old away from his family. I promise you they will be punished for that. But I need you to promise me something. Don't you ever think that you being dead would be better off. Your death would have torn your family to pieces. They would be so proud if they could see you now, so proud of your bravery and the love you showed in protecting Jordan and Simon. A lot would be different if you weren't here now, but not necessarily for the better."

"I won't ever feel their love again."

I wiped his cheeks with my thumbs, the gesture gentle but not intimate. "Their love is reflected in the eyes of others. Other people love you, Alec. Jordan, Simon, Jace. They're your family, and they'll always be there for you."

"Will you be here for me, Magnus?"

I smiled sadly. "For as long as you need me."

* * *

 

The walk to and from the park had successfully exhausted Alec for the remainder of the evening. We spent the last few hours of the day's light watching cartoons and eating soup and crackers. To take Alec's mind off our discussion in the park, I gave him a small cup of ginger ale and a couple spoonfuls of flavored rice to try. He complained that the soda burned his nose but he shovelled the rice down without protest. I watched him carefully for any signs of digestive discomfort but his stomach seemed to adjust to the new foods well.

It was still early into the night when I caught Alec dozing off on the couch. I gathered the plates and took them to the kitchen. When I returned Alec had snapped awake at the clanking dinnerware and was trying to watch the TV with drowsy eyes.

"Ready for bed?" I asked him.

He hesitated only a moment before nodding. I helped him up from the couch and guided him to the bedroom. As he moved to crawl under the bed, I touched his arm.

"Can we try something different tonight?"

Alec's body snapped to full alert. He whirled to face me, his shoulders tight and his jaw line hard and working. Moving slowly, I crossed the room and grabbed one of Camille's books I had placed on the bedside table.

"I thought we could read a book."

The teenager could not have looked more taken aback. He stared at the book in confusion, trying to piece together the puzzle I had presented him with.

Without waiting for him to answer, I hopped onto the bed and scooted myself until my back rested comfortably against the headboard. Alec eventually let his fear dissipate and crawled onto the mattress beside me. There was space between us, but I could feel Alec's body heat slithering across my skin. Ignoring it, I opened the book on my lap and began to read:

"'The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.'" I turned the page and felt Alec's eyes follow the direction of my voice as I read the words on the crisp paper. "'Once there was a tree. . . and she loved a little boy. And the boy would come and he would gather her leaves. And make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide and go seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree. . . very much. And the tree was happy. But time went by. And the boy grew older. And the tree was often alone.'"

I continued on, as invested in the story as Alec was. He did not criticize how monotonous my voice sounded, nor how my reading was choppy and boring. He followed along intently. Occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, I caught his lips moving as he tried to mimic the sounds of familiar tiny words or single letters. I intentionally kept my pace slow so that he could keep up, but farther into the story he fell silent, neither speaking nor moving.

"'"I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish I could give you something. . . But have nothing left. I am just an old stump. I am sorry. . ."

"'"I don't need very much now," said the boy, "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired."

"'"Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as she could, "well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did. And the tree was happy. . . The end.'"

As I closed the book, I suddenly became aware of the head resting on my shoulder. I glanced down and found Alec leaning against me, sound asleep. His close proximity astounded me; I thought for sure he wouldn't be able to sleep until he was hidden away under the bed. But I didn't have the heart to wake him. The warmth of him against my side was soothing.

_Don't get too attached_ , my conscience warned.

That was advice worth heeding. It was only a matter of time before Jace came back for his brother. Alec would be placed into Jace's care and they would fall back into a life of routine, a life that did not involve me.

Still. . .

Even if it was only temporary, it was nice to feel needed.


	7. The First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, readers! Hope y'all had a very merry Christmas. :) As promised, here is another chapter. I did something a little different at the end of this one: I added a scene from Alec's perspective. We get a glimpse of one of Alec's memories. Just a warning, it is disturbing, though it is not written in great detail. Anyone who is easily offended, turn back now. As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings. Cheers and happy reading! :)

Alec was playing with the cat in the living room when I finally sauntered out from the bathroom, scrubbing a towel against my scalp. He scratched the feline behind the ears before switching his focus to me. His eyes were bright and the dark circles under them had faded slightly. I, on the other hand, must have looked as awful as I felt. Between sitting in an uncomfortable position and trying not to jostle Alec, I'd barely gotten a wink of sleep the night prior. When I'd looked at myself in the mirror after my shower, it was obvious that I had lost a few pounds. In truth, all I wanted for breakfast was a steak, a cold can of beer, and a pint of ice cream. But I would never impose such forbidden luxuries on Alec. Not yet, anyway.

"Good morning," I said, replacing my drowsy frown with a smile.

"Hi." Alec looked away as the cat shoved his head into Alec's palm, demanding attention.

I draped the towel over my shoulder and trudged into the kitchen. After popping four slices of bread into the toaster, I made for the fridge and pulled out the carton of milk. Alec hadn't yet appeared, so I stole a drink directly from the jug. I was wiping my mouth with the back of my hand when he crept into the kitchen.

"Breakfast is almost ready," I announced, setting the milk back inside the fridge.

Alec nodded, dark strands of hair bobbing in front of his eyes. "Okay."

I closed the fridge door and leaned my hip against it. "Everything all right?"

He nodded in response, but the movement was stiff and hurried. Maintaining my casual demeanour, I passed by Alec to grab some plates for our toast. I could feel his eyes on my back, but when I turned around he hastily averted his gaze.

"What's on your mind?"

The cat pranced into the kitchen and began weaving himself in between my guest's legs, which seemed to offer Alec some comfort.

Though he still avoided my eyes, he asked, "What are we doing today?"

"Well, Camille is expecting us this morning, and then you have your appointment with Dr. Fray afterwards." I bent down and tried to coax the cat over to me, but he stuck up his nose and continued making figure eights around Alec's feet. The traitor. The toaster popping spared my dignity and allowed me to turn my back on the feisty feline. "I thought we'd go to the mall when you're finished. You can pick out some new clothes."

"I have clothes."

"I know that, but I'd like to let you pick out some styles that you like."

Through the fabric of my t-shirt, I felt a set of thin, timid fingers touch my waist. I froze, my eyes wide and my heart in a frenzy.

"Do you want me to pay you back?" Alec whispered, his breath nearly tickling the back of my neck.

"That," I deftly slipped out from in between Alec and the counter, away from his touch, "will not be necessary."

Troubled, I went in search of butter, pretending not to notice it was sitting in plain sight back on the countertop. As I stuck my face into the cool breath of the refrigerator, I contemplated Alec's behavior. He'd made subtle suggestions before, always asking me what sort of payment I desired, but he'd never been suggestive through physical touch. I'd be lying if I said I did not find Alec attractive. He was truly stunning with his dark hair and light eyes, and the kind shyness about him made him no less desirable. But he had not yet grown into his nineteen-year-old self. He'd gained a couple of pounds since I'd taken him in, but not enough to dull the angles in his face, in his collar bones, in his wrists. I swore he'd even gained a couple inches in height, though he still only stood up to my shoulder. Moreover, with Alec's mentality in the state that it was currently in, I could only view physical intimacy as taking advantage of him. I was not yet sure if there were any romantic prospects in the way that Alec viewed me. Disturbingly enough, he seemed ready to turn our companionship up a notch. Not that I could fault him, what with all the sexual training he'd been put through. But that did not mean that _I_ was ready.

"Magnus?"

"Ah! There it is!" I exclaimed, feigning surprise as I looked over and spotted the butter sitting in its anointed spot. I closed the fridge and busied myself with putting the spread on our toast.

"Magnus?"

I turned and handed Alec his plate. He stared down at his breakfast as I shoved nearly an entire slice into my mouth. I almost choked as I forced the lump of barely-chewed toast down my throat. Between the dry taste in my mouth and the lingering spark of Alec's fingers on my hip, my appetite had no reason to stick around. I pushed the last piece of toast away and noticed Alec still staring at his untouched breakfast.

"Do you want something else to eat?" I asked.

He shook his head and carefully set his plate back on the counter. "I wanted to ask you..."

"Yes?" I prompted, secretly dreading his question.

"Can we go to my house?"

I blanched. That was certainly not a question I'd been awaiting. "Jace put your house up for sale a long time ago, Alec. There's a chance that someone else has already moved in."

Alec lifted his eyes to meet mine. "I just want to see it again. I can't remember what it looks like."

I knew taking him to see his childhood home could be potentially harmful to Alec. If the house had been demolished, his heart would feel the same effect. Seeing a different family living there could also devastate him, but refusing his request flat out was even worse. I didn't want to take this opportunity away from him, not when doing so could make him feel like a prisoner again.

"I'll make a few calls and see what I can do, okay?"

Alec nodded, his eyes sparkling.

"Eat your breakfast." I began making my way to my bedroom, but stopped in the hallway and called over my shoulder. "Please!"

But I could hear the scrape of a plate against the counter over my last word. Alec had, after all, been trained in following commands obediently and instantly. Why would my demand be any different?

And that question made me feel disgusting down to my very core.

* * *

Alec's sessions with Camille and Clary had been uneventful yet again. He seemed to take more of an interest when Camille read to him, though he did not attempt any of his own reading or writing. When she spoke to him out of context of a book, he was unresponsive. His time with Clary, as far as I guessed, had been spent in complete silence. Dr. Fray did inform me that she now planned to keep paper and crayons available for her sessions with Alec for the foreseeable future. She also promised that any pictures Alec drew would be shared with me, as per Alec's discretion. She planned to take pictures of the originals to keep on hand in her office, and his drawings would be done with as he pleased. When she accompanied him outside her office, she handed me a paper half covered in red and half covered in blue. I immediately thought of the red and blue police lights flashing in the darkness the night I had carried Alec in my arms, recuing him from the hellhole where nightmares were made real.

"This is great, Alec," I complimented, gripping the paper tightly.

The teenager shrugged in response, searching for the exit pointedly.

"Well, gentlemen," Clary said cheerily, smiling at both of us, "it appears as though tomorrow is our last session before the weekend. You have done extremely well so far, Alec."

Alec shrugged again, careful to avoid Clary's green eyes. Still smiling, she turned to me. I folded the picture and tucked it away in my pocket before looking at her under the rim of my ball cap.

"You're looking a bit haggard, Mr. Bane," she commented.

I'd dressed in a pullover hoodie and a pair of jeans, topping the outfit off with a hat so I wouldn't have to fuss with my hair. I didn't think I looked that bad, even if there were faint shadows under my eyes.

"I'm fine. Just missed my morning coffee fix," I lied.

She folded her arms and nodded, looking rather unconvinced. "I have time if you ever need someone to talk to."

I thanked her and began steering Alec toward the exit. We hurried out of the office building and back to my car, where I pulled into the morning traffic and headed towards the mall. It was the same strip mall I'd gone to to pick out Alec's current wardrobe, but the prices were decent and I could count on there being a lack of crowds to make Alec nervous.

After parking, Alec and I headed into the nearest clothing store. He stayed firmly at my side, his eyes downcast, as I steered him toward the men's department. Every once in a while he would look up, just in time to catch another customer staring at him. Nobody said anything, though I could see the questions poised on all their lips: _Is that Alexander Lightwood? The boy who was kidnapped for fifteen years?_ I willed them to look away as Alec ducked farther into my side, nearly walking sideways.

I pulled Alec behind some racks of clothing and inspected him closely. He was nervous, but there were no signs of an impending panic attack.

"They're staring at me," he whispered.

I could hear the hurt in his voice. Not only was he threatened by the prying eyes of strangers, he was feeling the sting of their gazes as well. There was a reason I had only told a select few about my sexuality. I did not want to feel cornered and humiliated under the stares that followed me like I was some kind of freak, some twisted, unnatural human being. I never wanted to feel that way, and I'd be damned if I stood by and let Alec suffer through it.

In a smooth motion, I pulled the cap from my head and slid it onto Alec's mop of ebony hair. His eyes widened as he looked up at me in surprise. I took the opportunity to move his bangs gently and pulled the visor down a bit to help conceal his face. The slightest dip of his head would hide his features instantly.

I shook my fingers in my hair, messing up the flattened strands. "Better?"

"Thanks."

We continued on in search of jeans, which I piled into my arms when we located them. I then had Alec pick out some t-shirts, both long and short sleeved, that caught his eye. Mostly he picked up solid colors: grays, dark blues, and black. I attempted to sway him out of 'boring' with plaid flannel shirts and graphic tees. The only one that convinced him was a purple tee with a black graphic designed to make it look like there were headphones wrapped around the wearer's neck.

From there, I shuffled Alec to the fitting room. He seemed hesitant on the idea of going inside and changing out of his clothes, but I assured him that no one would see him and I'd be waiting outside when he was finished. With my back turned to the door, I listened to the zipping and unzipping of jeans and the soft sound of cotton shirts falling to the floor.

As I waited, something caught my eye. It hung on a rack nearby, surrounded by coats and jackets. It was the only item of its kind, which led me to believe it had been placedon the rack by accident. I picked it up and held the soft material in my hands, stroking my thumbs over it as I drank in the color that was so familiar.

"Magnus?"

I whirled around, having not heard the fitting room door open. Alec stood behind me, the hat still firmly placed on his head. But now he was clad in a pair of dark jeans and a smoke gray long sleeve t-shirt. It was all I could do to not let my jaw drop to the floor. The jeans fit just right and the shirt barely skimmed his body, leaving enough room for him to grow but not drowning him in material. In truth, I'd never seen Alec look so handsome.

"Wow," I breathed. "You look great."

The corner of his mouth quirked up in a half-smile. I walked over to him and looped the scarf around his neck. He watched as I tied it and smoothed the material against his chest. When he looked up, I couldn't help but smile. Just as I'd predicted, the scarf matched his eyes.

Alec wrapped his hand around his throat, his fingers brushing his skin under the scarf. "This will hide them."

"Huh?" I said, distracted by the ensemble in front of me.

"It hides the scars."

I hadn't really thought about it, but the scarf did, in fact, cover the red bumps surrounding Alec's neck. The only ones visible now were the ones at the front of his throat, but if the scarf was knotted tighter, they would all be hidden completely.

Smiling, I stepped forward and lifted the scarf up and over Alec's head. I placed the material in his upturned palms and lifted the rim of his cap slightly so he could see me better. "Your scars are nothing to be ashamed of. I don't want you to feel like you have to hide them, but until you're ready to show them to the world, you can always use this."

Alec's lips parted, as if he were about to say something, but he was cut short when three young ladies walked by us, laughing. They were all huddled over the screen of a phone, making silly comments and then erupting into giggles. Having broken up my fair share of university parties, I guessed them to be about Alec's age. They had a student air about them: carefree, invincible, and ready for a good time. Alec watched them, his face blank and disinterested as the three walked away.

Not long after, two guys, a blonde and a brunette, followed after the girls. They laughed as the blonde cracked a joke, guffawing with a booming masculinity that demanded to be heard.

The brunette noticed us as they passed by and flicked his chin out at Alec, calling out a casual, "What's up?"

I inclined my head in greeting and watched them chase after the group of girls. When I looked down, I noticed the blossoming of color in Alec's cheeks. I'd never seen Alec blush under a woman's attention, not Cat or Clary or the three girls that had just walked by. But a guy had put color in Alec's pale cheeks just by saying two little words. _Interesting_.

Alec went back to trying on clothes and I went back to giving my opinion on said clothes, noting what was too big and what was too small. In the end, we brought three pairs of jeans and numerous shirts to the checkout. Thankfully Alec had liked the purple shirt enough to add it to the pile and gray and blue and black. The scarf, after it was scanned and freed of its price tag, found its place wrapped around Alec's neck. I paid and we left, but Alec's blush still hadn't faded by the time we got home.

* * *

 

The phone rang three times before Luke picked up. "How's it going, B?"

"Fine thanks," I answered. "How's the investigation?"

"Brutal. No leads, no solid evidence. We're basically walking around in a blind circle."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"Nothing we haven't already thought of." Phones rang distantly on Luke's end of the line. "How's the kid?"

I glanced over at Alec, who was sitting on the couch watching cartoons and eating lunch. "He's enduring. Listen, I need to ask a favor from you."

"Just in time. I've been craving free donuts."

I smiled. "I need you to bring up Alec's file and find out the address of his old house."

"Hang on." The sound of fingers on a keyboard filled the spaces between ringing phones. Luke recited the address slowly enough for me to write it down. "It says here that it's still up for sale. Some realtor is looking after it."

"Do you have a name?"

"I've got a first name and a phone number."

I copied down the information and checked the time. If I was lucky enough, I'd be able to contact this man today and set up a meeting.

Luke's voice filled my ear again. "You think going back to his old house will jog the kid's memory?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "He said he just wanted to see it."

"Well, good luck."

"Thanks, Luke. Same to you."

"I'll be expecting those donuts soon."

"You can count on it."

We hung up and I immediately began dialing the realtor's number. It rang a couple times before a man's voice filled the phone, his tone strong but friendly:

"Wolf Realty. How can I help you?"

"Uh, is—" I checked the name on the paper again. "—Alaric available?"

"Speaking."

"Hi, this is Officer Magnus Bane. Are you the current caretaker for the Lightwood house?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "I am, yes."

"Excellent. Alexander Lightwood has requested to see the house. Would it be possible to set up a date to meet with you?"

"Alexander. . ." Alaric sucked in a breath, then added hurriedly. "No need to set up an appointment! I can meet you over there right now if you'd like."

"Oh." I blinked. "Er, all right. Thank you."

"You're welcome, Officer. I'll see you shortly."

I disconnected the call and wandered back into the living room. Alec looked up at me, his fingers fidgeting with the scarf still looped around his neck.

"Still want to see your house?" I asked.

He nodded.

"All right. Let's go."

* * *

 

Alec's house wasn't so much a house as it was a mansion. It was an unexpected thirty minute drive, all the way to the outskirts of the city. Following the GPS on my phone, I turned left onto a long driveway. At the end of the driveway was a massive house, modern and inviting from the outside. Alec leaned forward in his seat, tilting his head back to see out from under the rim of his cap. I'd thrown on my uniform to reinforce my identity with the realtor.

A car waited for us in front of the house. I pulled up behind it just as a slender man in a suit exited the vehicle. He straightened his jacket and, without approaching, waited for us to get out and greet him. He was tall, with graying hair and light eyes. He stood with his back straight and his hands clasped in front of him, confident without being arrogant.

I looked over at Alec. "Are you ready?"

He was looking out the passenger window at the house, but I saw him swallow hard and reach for the door handle with a shaking hand. I slid out of the car and waited until Alec was at my side before walking over to Alaric.

"Officer Bane." He smiled and extended his hand.

"Alaric." I shook his hand and gestured to Alec. "This is Alec Lightwood."

He extended his hand to the teenager. "Nice to meet you."

Alec sidled closer to me, looking away from Alaric's hand to the house looming over him. Alaric, unoffended by Alec's behavior, pulled his hand back and reached into his pocket. He withdrew a key and handed it to me.

"I'll wait outside. Feel free to take as long as you need."

"Thank you."

I began making my way to the front door with Alec in tow. An eeriness settled over me as I noticed the darkness in the windows. The house, though appearing inviting, felt empty even from the outside. I knew without opening the door that it was be cold inside, that there would be hardly, if any, furniture.

I was just about to slide the key into the lock when I noticed Alec was no longer at my side. Glancing over my shoulder, I found him watching me nearly ten feet away. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly as he sucked in gasps of air.

"Alec?"

He flinched as I called his name. "I-I can't!" He turned and took off in a run down the driveway.

I cursed under my breath and jogged up to Alaric, handing the key back to him. "I'm sorry."

I didn't wait for a reply before taking off after Alec. It did not take long for me to catch up to him, but I had to reach out and grab his wrist before he stopped. His head was ducked but I could see the tracks of tears down his cheeks.

"Hey," I said gently, "what's wrong?"

"I can't."

My hand moved from his wrist up to his shoulder. "What are you afraid of?"

"I still don't remember!" he cried. "I'm scared that if I go in there my memory won't come back. That house is supposed to be mine. It's not supposed to be strange. And it hurts knowing that my family won't be in there if I go inside. That just means that they're really dead."

"Alec—"

"I can't, Magnus!" His hysteria escalated to the point where I could hear the familiar wheezing. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I can't!"

"Look at me." I took his face in my hands, just like I'd done before.

"I. . . Can't. . . Breathe," he gasped.

"Breathe in through your nose. Remember?"

This time it only took one demonstration for Alec to catch on. He followed my soothing coaching until his panic attack subsided. When he was finally calm and in control of his breathing, I enveloped him in my arms and held him tight. He clutched the front of my shirt, his tears soaking into my uniform. The visor of his hat was poking uncomfortably into my chest, but I dared not push him away to adjust it.

"Magnus? Will you take me home?"

"Of course," I whispered, warmth spreading through my heart when I considered the fact that Alec's idea of home now included me.

* * *

_**Alec** _

Dr. Fray was sitting at her desk when I walked into her office. Her red hair was pinned up today. I could see her eyes better, and that made her very pretty.

"Good morning, Alec," she said, the same way she always did.

The table was sitting in front of my chair again, as it had been yesterday. Dr. Fray told me she wanted me to draw whatever I felt like drawing. She never said much, but she was always writing. I wished I could write like her. Maybe if I wasn't so stupid. . .

I sat down and dug through the crayon box for a particular color. When I found it, I grabbed a piece of paper and began dragging the crayon across the white surface. My hand whipped left and right, suffocating the white with black. Even when there was not a speck of white left, I kept coloring. I pushed the crayon until my hand hurt. . .

I stopped. Dr. Fray glanced up from her writing and caught my eye.

"Alec?"

Words bubbled up in my throat. There were so many things I wanted to tell her, but they were embarrassing and scary. I wasn't supposed to tell her, or anyone, anything. Bad things would happen if I told.

But before I could stop myself, I whispered, "It hurt."

Dr. Fray's eyes went wide, just for a second. "What hurt?"

My heart pounded in my chest, so hard and fast I could feel it in my ears and in my throat. That happened sometimes. My heart beat so fast and it was hard to breathe and I got dizzy. But Magnus always made that go away. Magnus made the bad memories go away, too.

"Alec?" Dr. Fray's voice interrupted my thoughts. "What were you going to say?"

I started coloring again. She never yelled at me when I didn't talk. She never hit me, either. I didn't want her to know I was thinking about the first time. The first time he had ever touched me.

He'd made me do things before that. Embarrassing things that made me feel bad. Wrong. Dirty. Disgusting. But I knew that time was going to be different. I was young, but I knew what he was going to do the moment I saw the mattress. I'd been with them for a long time, years maybe, and he said he couldn't wait any longer. He made me get on my hands and knees, and I felt his body push up behind me. His body was big and heavy and hard. He whispered dirty things in my ear. His breath was hot on my neck.

He kind of rocked up against me. It felt weird. Bad. Wrong. That was when he reached around and put his hand down the front of my pants. I told him no, tried to get away. I cried because even though it felt wrong, it sort of started to feel good. But I didn't want it to.

Then he pushed my pants down. I heard him unzip his jeans and I felt something push against my behind. I tried fighting him, but that only made him mad. His partner liked it when I fought, but not this one. He told me to keep still, to stop making such a fuss when it felt so good.

That was when he pushed into me.

I screamed. I didn't know it was possible to scream that loud, but it hurt so bad. . . I'd never felt pain like that in my entire life. Until he pulled out and pushed in again. It didn't feel good anymore. I kept screaming, and he told me he liked it when I used my voice like that. And he kept on going. And it never stopped hurting.

The paper was now darker than my nightmares, but I kept on coloring. My arm was getting tired from moving so fast and my hand was hurting from pressing so hard, but the pain felt right. I deserved it. I was messed up, after all. A freak. There was no other way to explain why the next time he did it to me, it stopped hurting and started to feel good.

Tears slipped from my cheeks and splattered on the paper. I colored over those, too, because I deserved the pain. I deserved the darkness.


	8. To My Readers

Hello, everyone! I hope you know how much I appreciate every single one of you who have supported me and left me such kind encouragements. It is because of this that I feel you all have the right to know that Sacrifice is going to be put on hold for the unforeseeable future. :( It it not without regret that I am temporarily stepping away from this story. I love it, and I know exactly how I want it to end. However, a rather nasty review I got on my other site has pushed me back down on the ground when I was just getting back up. I have received no negativity on AO3, and for that I am so thankful. The other site has presented me with concerned/unappreciative reviews. With all the other struggles in my life, I simply think it is in my best interest to step away from this story for a while. I am going to try and collect myself and try to untangle the knots in my life, and hopefully some people will cool their jets and get off my case. I sincerely apologize for this. I put my other stories on hold so I could make this one my priority. I love it so much, and I love sharing it with you. But that kind of rough criticism knocked the breath, and confidence, right out of me. I'm sorry again. To all the other readers and writers out there, don't stop what you're doing! I'm rooting for you! To those who have shown me nothing but kindness and support, I love you all. I wish you all the best in 2015! Cheers, and happy reading. Until we meet again.  
R.


	9. Incredible Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. We are back in action. :) I'd like to thank everyone who left me words of comfort and support! I lot of people have been looking out for me, and it has brought me to tears. I commend you all for your kindness and passion. You all have kept this story alive. The review that played a part in this hiatus has been deleted and forgotten. I can't apologize for taking the time I need to get myself into a better place mentally, but I will apologize for making you all wait. Again, I can't thank you all enough for everything you have done for me. Each and every one of you is incredible. Please enjoy the next chapter. :)

_"Magnus."_

_Ragnor's moan filled my mouth seconds before his lips sealed over mine. I felt his tongue slide past my teeth, tasting me. His icy fingers made me jump as he slipped them under my shirt and began to explore every inch of my skin. I tried to lose myself to his touch, to surrender myself to impending desire, but I felt myself lagging behind Ragnor's urgency. My gasp was muffled by his mouth as he suddenly hooked his fingers through my belt loops and yanked my hips against his. When I tried to put an inch of space between us, Ragnor pushed himself against me with a little more force than necessary. Caught off guard, I stumbled backward and bumped my head against the wall._

_Ragnor pulled away, but his fingers remained looped in my jeans. "Shit. Are you okay?"_

_Grimacing, I reached up and tentatively touched the back of my skull. Though the area was tender, there was no indication of a forming bump. "I'm fine."_

_Ragnor's green eyes sizzled. "Commence make out session." His lips crashed against mine again, stealing the breath from my lungs._

_When I managed to turn my head away to breathe, Ragnor began to lavish my neck with kisses and bites. I reached up and grabbed his shoulders, my nerves causing my fingers to dig into his skin. Ragnor's throat rumbled with a growl, but he did not cease his tasting of my flesh._

_"Rags," I said, my voice barely a whisper, "can you just slow down—"_

_I suddenly found myself being lifted from the floor and thrown over Ragnor's shoulder. He carried me with surprising ease down the hall to his bedroom. In movies, women always squealed with delight as they were carried away on the shoulders of gorgeous men. A lot of them playfully fought to get free, others were daring enough to give their man's ass a slap. I, on the other hand, did nothing. I let Ragnor carry me without moving a muscle, wallowing in the fear of being dropped on my head and trying not to think about what was coming next._

_Ragnor and I had been dating for a few weeks. He'd asked me out on a date the moment I had broken up with Camille. Thrilled to be chased by this striking blonde with green eyes, I'd said yes without hesitation. We saw each other nearly on a daily basis, and the more time we spent together, the more intense Ragnor's kissing and touching became. I'd never had a physical relationship with a man before, so I always requested he leave my clothes on when he was getting restless. Ragnor respected my wishes without complaint the first few times, but I could see his growing frustration as time went on. Not wanting to screw myself out of a relationship (figuratively speaking), I'd decided that it was time. While we were out to dinner, I'd instigated physical intimacy, dropping not-so-subtle hints that had Ragnor sweating throughout our three-course meal. But now that the moment was upon us, I was beginning to lose my nerve._

_Ragnor's strong hands wrapped around my waist and I found myself being flung down on a bed. The mattress bounced beneath me and the scent of clean laundry curled around me in a comforting embrace. Then I noticed Ragnor hovering over me. His emerald irises had darkened with lust and I could see his pulse leaping in his throat. He kissed me deeply as he draped his body over mine, pushing me down completely on the mattress. Timidly, I reached up and wound my fingers through his hair. The strands were soft, like silk woven from sunlight. Electricity crackled across my skin as Ragnor's fingers found their way under my shirt again. I jumped when they grazed, feather-light, across my stomach._

_Ragnor shifted his mouth from my lips over to my ear. "Relax," he whispered._

_I inhaled deeply, trying to keep my breath steady. Ragnor pressed his lips against the dip under my ear and began inching his way down. By the time he reached my collarbone, I felt myself begin to melt into the mattress. Anticipation began to gather in my stomach, like a storm waiting to be unleashed._

_The next thing I knew, Ragnor had my shirt up and over my head. He tossed the material aside carelessly and continued kissing an achingly sweet trail down my chest to the flat panes of my stomach. His deft fingers pulled my jeans down slightly to expose my hipbones, which he drew his tongue over. I couldn't help but let out a groan as he nipped at each one gently with his teeth._

_The pressure on my body eased when Ragnor shifted to his knees. He grasped the hem of his shirt and yanked it off. My eyes lingered on his toned chest and abdomen as his fingers moved to the button of his jeans._

_"Are you ready?" he asked huskily._

_My throat went dry as my eyes followed the small path of light blonde hair that led down into his jeans. "Yeah."_

_His eyes were heavy-lidded with desire. "Are you going to take off your pants or do you want me to?"_

_"No, no," I answered, a little too quickly. "I've got it."_

_From my spot on the bed, I unzipped my jeans and wriggled out of them. They fell to the floor when I finally managed to shimmy them off my ankles. Almost instantly Ragnor was back on top of me, kissing me ferociously. I barely had time to recover from his advance, and I was all too aware of the heat of his bare skin against mine. Only our boxers were between us. Ragnor shifted and I felt his knee between my legs, applying a delicious pressure at the apex of his thighs._

_Suddenly I felt Ragnor's hand on me. I pulled away from his mouth with a gasp, my eyes wide and my body tight with unnecessary embarrassment. Ragnor was gracious enough to pause, but his hand remained on my groin._

_"You all right, love?" he asked._

_I swallowed hard. "Yeah. Sorry. You just . . . caught me by surprise."_

_Without answering, Ragnor began to move his hand up and down, stroking me. I closed my eyes and moaned shamelessly. His hand moved so skillfully and so smoothly that I did not even notice when he began to slide my boxers down my thighs. Only when his grip fell away did I manage to open my eyes. He pulled my boxers off completely before freeing himself of his own. Heat crept into my cheeks as I gazed at his erection._

_"God, Magnus, I want you so much."_

_I expected to feel his fingers creep to the back of my neck and slither up into my hair as he kissed me. What I felt instead were two hands gripping my waist as I was flipped onto my stomach. He pulled my hips upward and I felt the mattress shift as he positioned himself behind me. I barely had time to lift myself onto my elbows before he slammed into me._

_I cried out as hot pain shot through the deepest region of my body. My eyes burned and my breath hitched in my throat. I had not expected this level of pain, nor had I expected Ragnor to be the one to deliver such agony._

_Without warning, Ragnor began to move. He pulled out and slammed back into me again and again. His thrusts were relentless and the pain was not easing. Ever muscle in my body was taut, unable to relax. I clenched the duvet in my hands and gritted my teeth, bearing pain where I was supposed to be succumbing to pleasure._

_"Rags, wait—"_

_"You feel so good," Ragnor groaned. His hands tightened around my waist, holding me in place as he continued thrusting with increased urgency. "Oh God, Magnus!"_

_Blood flooded my mouth as I bit down on the inside of my cheek. Ragnor rammed into me harder and harder until an animalist cry exploded from his throat and he stiffened against me. There was an odd sensation inside of me before I felt a warm liquid drip down my thighs. When he caught his breath, Ragnor pulled out and stepped off the bed. I bit back a whimper against the new burst of pain. Without a word, he picked up his clothes and sauntered over to the adjoining bathroom. It was not long before I heard the shower running._

_I curled up on my side on the bed, tucking my knees to my chest. Never before had I felt so betrayed, so used, so terrified. All I could do was close my eyes and block out everything around me as my body trembled._

_Ragnor called my name, his voice alluring. I ignored him and hugged myself tighter. He called out to me again, attempting to coax me into another sense of false security. Once more, I ignored him._

_"Magnus?"_

_"Leave me alone," I whispered._

_"Magnus?"_

_A hand jostled my shoulder—_

I jackknifed into a sitting position, breathing hard as my eyes adjusted to the darkness. Faint light trickled in behind the window shades, illuminating the room in a soft glow. There was a figure standing beside my bed, but it only took a moment before I recognized Alec. His eyes were panicked and his body was hunched and twisted slightly, caved protectively over something in his hands. Distressed, he inched away from the bed.

"Alec." I held up my hand, gesturing for him to stay put. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you."

His cerulean eyes searched my face. "You were talking in your sleep."

The recollection of my dream slammed into my head with nauseating clarity. With a sigh, I dropped my face into my hands and rubbed at my clammy skin. When I let them fall away, my gaze dropped to my lap. That was when I noticed it.

_Shit_.

Hastily, I drew my knees up to my chest, hiding my shame. Alec gave no indication that he had noticed, but I felt my cheeks burn nonetheless. I hoped the dimness concealed my embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," I apologized again. "Did I wake you?"

Alec shook his head. Despite my genuine remorse for startling him, he still seemed afraid. His eyes only met mine for a nanosecond before darting away.

"What are you doing up so early?" I asked, keeping my tone casual to assuage his fright. "You don't have any appointments today."

"It's all my fault," he whispered. "I ruined it."

I stifled a yawn. It was far too early to function without an adequate dosage of caffeine. "What are you talking about?"

Alec ducked his face to hide behind his hair. "Please don't be angry." With that, he untwisted his body and held out his upturned hands to me. Cupped delicately in his palms was the rose arrangement I had given to him at the hospital.

Ignoring his flinch as I reached out and gently lifted the glass bowl out of his hand, I gave the flower a thorough inspection. Most of the leaves surrounding it had wilted, and the tips of the rose's snowy petals were brown and curled. The flower, heavy with impending death, seemed to be collapsing in on itself.

"It was an accident," Alec murmured.

"You didn't do this, Alec. It's not your fault." I sighed. "This happens to all flowers."

"Can . . . Can you save it?"

As my finger grazed over the stem of leaves, one broke off and fluttered down to the duvet. "Sometimes things can't be saved, no matter how hard we try to save them."

Slowly, Alec reached out and scooped the leaf into his palm. He gazed down at it for a long moment before shifting his eyes to meet mine. "Are you going to save me, Magnus?"

The hollowness behind his question shocked me enough that I nearly dropped the vase. "I already did."

Alec cradled the rose in his palm after I handed it back to him. He backed away from the bed and headed for the door, his head dipped as he studied his cherished gift. Before he left, however, he turned and asked in a haunted voice, "Are you sure about that?"

* * *

 

"Where are you going?"

I turned and found Alec standing on the curb, his face a question mark as he glanced in the direction of our usual route. He'd grown accustomed to our daily walks to the park. The sixteen-block stroll, there and back, had once left him winded and exhausted. Now he faced our routine with enthusiasm, sometimes picking up the pace of our amble on his own. Indeed, his legs seemed to have gained a tiny bit of muscle, and he had a healthier look overall. There was still plenty of progress to be made, but Alec's growth had astounded me so far.

"It's a surprise. Come on." I gestured for him to follow with a toss of my head.

Alec's sneakers clopped against the sidewalk as he rushed to catch up. He was wearing my hat again, along with the scarf I'd bought him. He tucked his hands into his coat pockets and looked around curiously. His breath hovered around him as a cloud in the chilled morning air.

The farther we walked, the slower our pace became. Alec began to lag behind, exhibiting signs of fatigue. Even though it may have been smarter to drive, I knew walking would be more beneficial. The exercise was good for Alec, and I wanted him to become comfortable in public, open spaces. Watching him struggle with something as simple as walking ignited my guilt, until I remembered the comment he'd made in my bedroom that morning. I had to do everything I could to help him.

At last we reached our destination. The scenery was truly beautiful: a man-made lake surrounded by vegetation, walking paths, and a small playground. Matching my speed with Alec's, I steered him onto my favorite path. Alec drifted behind me as two women pushing strollers passed us in the opposite direction. His arm brushed mine when he positioned himself at my side again after they'd gone. As we neared a small wooden bridge, I touched Alec's elbow and veered off the path. Hidden behind some overgrown shrubs was a rickety bench. Alec's brows drew together as he watched me sit down. The bench's sturdiness looked questionable but it held strong under my weight, as it had innumerable times before. He eventually seated himself next to me, though not without caution.

The lake was spread out before us, mirroring the sky and surrounding plants in a perfect, shining reflection. Little more could be heard than the occasional chatter of birds and the whispering of leaves in the breeze. Shoes tapped against the pavement in sporadic rhythms as people passed by on their morning jog.

"Wow," Alec breathed, staring out at the lake.

I smiled. "I used to come here a lot when I was in college. It was the only place I could focus enough to study."

"What's college?"

"It's a place you go to after you graduate high school. If you want to learn more, that is. Some people go to university, some people go straight into the work force."

"So you went to college to learn how to be a police officer?"

My grin widened. "Yeah."

"How old do you have to be to go to college?"

"People of all ages go. I was seventeen when I went. My program was two years, and I joined the force right after I graduated."

Alec answered instantly, "So you were two years younger than me when you went to college, and you were my age when you started working. How old are you?"

"Um, twenty-three," I babbled, thrown off.

Again, his reply was instant. "Four years older than me."

I laughed, impressed. "Wow! Look at you."

"I like math."

"I think you're going to be better at it than I am."

Alec's smile wavered. "Magnus, do you have to be smart to go to college?"

I snorted, thinking about the idiots who spent more time getting wasted than focusing on their studies. "Oh yeah. Super smart."

My sarcasm was lost on Alec. Disappointed, he managed a quiet "oh."

I angled my body toward his. "I wasn't being serious, Alec. Anyone can go to college. If that's what you want to do, you can do it."

Alec's tone was anything but convinced. "Okay."

We sat in awkward silence for a long while. A flock of birds darted from one of the treetops and swarmed the sky in a flurry of dark feathers. The corner of Alec's mouth lifted as he watched them on the lake's glassy surface.

Mercifully, I heard the unmistakable hiss of wheels on the path. Lurching to my feet, I gazed over the shrubs and saw a man wheeling a coffee cart. Instructing Alec to stay put, I sidled past him and approached the vendor. He exchanged my cash for a coffee and a hot chocolate before continuing on his way. Seating myself back down beside Alec, I handed him the hot chocolate.

"Careful," I warned. "It'll be hot."

Alec took a tentative sip. Something flickered in his eyes and he immediately took another. "It's good!"

Unable to resist, I asked, "Want to try some of mine?"

We traded cups and I watched, straight-faced, as he lifted the cup to his lips. The moment the liquid touched his tongue, Alec's eyes crossed and he shoved the cup away, gagging. I laughed as I traded cups with him again.

"I figured you wouldn't be a coffee fan," I chuckled.

The caffeine gave me the jolt I needed to stay alert. Our little morning encounter had left me wide awake far too early in the morning. Alec had fallen asleep under his bed and had not appeared from his bedroom until a few hours after dawn. If he was not sitting beside me, I would have closed my eyes, tilted my head back, and dozed off to the peaceful quiet of the park.

Alec and I got up to leave after we'd finished the last of our warm drinks. Tossing our cups into a trash bin, we started for home. As we walked, two women, seeming about Alec's age, jogged by. The shorter of the two flashed a bashful grin at Alec before darting off with her friend, her blonde ponytail swinging behind her. Alec's gaze followed her over his shoulder. Oblivious to my amusement, he followed along beside me without comment. The journey back was made in silence, but when we arrived home I could no longer hold my tongue.

"That girl in the park was pretty cute," I said as I hung my coat on a hanger.

Alec spun in a circle as he struggled to disengage his arm from his sleeve. "Huh?"

"The blonde. The one who smiled at you."

Free from his jacket, Alec shrugged. "I guess."

Watching for his reaction, I plopped myself onto the couch. "We should go back there tomorrow. Maybe she'll be out for another jog."

Alec sat beside me, his hands knotted in his lap. "Maybe. I like that park."

"You should talk to her. Ask her out on a date." At Alec's baffled expression, I elaborated, "You know, take her out for dinner. Have a nice conversation with her, and at the end of the night you can kiss her."

"Why would I kiss her?"

"That's what you do when you like someone."

"But I don't like her."

"Well, you don't know that. You haven't gotten to know her."

"I don't like girls. I don't feel the same way about them."

It was my turn to be confused. "The same way?"

Alec bent over to pet the cat as the fluffy animal appeared at his shins. "I don't feel the same way about girls as I do about guys."

Detecting a sensitive topic, I paused to phrase my next question carefully. "How do you know that?"

Alec's hand stilled in the cat's fur. Avoiding my gaze, he sat back against the sofa and swallowed hard. He reached up and removed the baseball cap, which he then began to fiddle with. "Sometimes they made us look at magazines to get us ready. . . The ones with guys worked better for me."

"Jesus, I'm sorry, Alec. I didn't mean to bring that up."

"Magnus?" Alec's blue eyes lifted enough for me to see the fear in them. "Does liking guys make me the same as. . . _them_?"

"Absolutely not," I said firmly. "The men that took you are criminals. You're nothing like them. Liking guys doesn't make you a pedophile."

"Is it wrong to be this way?"

I took a deep breath. "I'll be honest with you. A lot of people are going to tell you that it's wrong to be who you are. They think that men should love women. Some people are accepting of all forms of love; others aren't as kind."

He held my gaze steadily. "What do _you_ think?"

"I think that any one person who tries to dictate who you can and can't fall in love with doesn't really understand love's definition."

Alec shifted closer to me. Before I figured out what he was going to do, I felt two soft lips pressing against mine. Fireworks exploded across every inch of my skin, raising tiny bumps along my arms. Time slowed, and even my heart froze just to see what was going to happen next. Instead of pulling away, Alec leaned in farther. His fingers barely grazed my knee when I tore my mouth from his and jumped from the couch. Alec stared up at me, wide-eyed and bewildered.

The memory of his soft warmth lingered on my lips. "Why did you do that?"

"I . . ." He trailed off, and the look on his face told me he truly did not know.

I struggled to figure out what I was supposed to say next. I had to admit, though not without guilt, that I'd be lying if I told him I never wanted him to do it again. Telling him it wasn't right would only confuse him, especially after the spiel I'd just given him on love.

Despite it leaving an unsettling feeling in my stomach, I settled for saying, "Maybe we should just pretend that didn't happen."

Alec's body hunched slightly. "Are you going to hit me?"

"What? Of course not!" I wanted to touch his shoulder out of comfort but refrained from doing so. "I promised that I would never hurt you, Alec. I won't ever hit you."

"I'm sorry," Alec whispered.

"Yeah." I sighed. "Me too."

* * *

 

 

**Sixteen Days Later**

I sat on one of Camille's leather sofas, pretending to read a magazine. It had been a little over two weeks since Alec had kissed me, but the memory was as sharp as if it had happened five minutes ago. It played over and over in my head on a never-ending loop. The worst part was that every time I relived the memory, my flesh caught fire and my heart gave a leap in my chest. My thoughts about him weren't exactly wrong. He'd gained a few more pounds in the past two weeks, and he was now slightly taller than my shoulder. He seemed to be doing a lot better, both physically and mentally, but my gut twisted every time I had any romantic thoughts about him. When I thought about my hand being on his skin, I thought of his captors' hand tearing at him. When I wondered what Alec thought about being with me, I envisioned him thinking I was just another man with a mask, biding my time until I could throw myself upon him.

The first couple days after the kiss were nothing short of uncomfortable. I tried my best to subtly keep an apt distance between us at all times. To further distract myself, I called Luke occasionally to keep updated with the investigation. The only new lead they had was that the kidnappers' house had been purchased under a false identity, thus drawing police into yet another dead end. After he vented some of his frustration, I brought Luke up to speed on Alec's recovery. Not wanting to get an hour-long lecture, I left out the part where Alec had kissed me. His mood seemed to brighten when I started giving him a hard time about his beard, asking him if it was always dusted with powdered sugar from the donuts he scarfed down. I hadn't realized how much I missed work until I hung up.

My reminiscing was interrupted by Alec shooting past me in a dead run. I lurched to my feet just as Camille hurried over from the dining room, evidently frazzled. I shoved past her and leaned out the front door in time to see Alec slip into the passenger side of my car, slamming the door behind him. According to the current time, there was still an hour left of teaching.

I turned back to my ex-girlfriend. "What the hell was that all about?"

Camille made an impatient noise. "We were doing math exercises and everything was going fine, but when we switched to reading he completely shut down. He won't sound out the words, he won't read with me, he won't do anything! I thought you said reading books to him was going well."

"It is!" I protested. "We read books every night."

"You _and_ Alec? Or just you?"

"Fine. _I_ read to _him_ ," I conceded.

Camille nodded and folded her arms across her chest. "I know you mean well, Magnus, but you're not making my job any easier."

"I've asked Alec to read for me, but he shuts me out and closes himself off completely. He loves it when I read to him. He has one of the books memorized."

"Look, he's doing really well with the math, but I'm not sure how I can help him with reading and writing—"

"Please don't give up on him, Camille."

She held up her hand. "I might know why he refuses to participate. I need you to ask him a few questions."

I listened intently as she listed off the questions. When she finished, she voiced the thoughts that were dependant on Alec's answers. I recited everything back to her for clarification, then hurried out to my car. Alec was slouched in his seat, his seatbelt secure and his arms crossed.

"Are you all right?" I asked.

Alec looked out the window and said in a hurt voice, "Can you just take me home, please?"

Without argument, I started the car and pulled out of Camille's driveway. She watched from her doorway as we drove off down the street. I snuck glances over at Alec as I drove, but his gaze was fixed out the window. The radio was muted so I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel.

"Rough day?" I pried.

Alec shrugged.

"Camille says you're doing really well with your arithmetic."

He shrugged again. "I like math."

"And you don't like reading?"

At this he fell silent again.

"I thought you liked reading before bed."

"I like when you read to me."

"I'd like for you to be able to read to me, Alec," I said gently. "I need to know why you're not trying."

"Can you please pull over?"

"What?"

"Pull over!"

I steered the car out of traffic and pulled up beside a sidewalk. Alec abruptly undid his seatbelt and bolted from the car. Cursing, I turned off the engine and chased after him. He tried to wrench his arm free when I grabbed his elbow, so I planted myself in front of him, blocking his path.

"Hey!" I stared down at him. "What is going on?"

"I don't want to see Camille anymore."

His answer knocked me back a step. "Why not? Did. . . Did she say something to upset you?"

"No. She's just wasting her time."

"What makes you say that?"

Alec met my gaze and I was startled to see anger blazing in his icy eyes. "I'm too stupid to learn anything! I'm not worth the effort."

"Alec!" I gasped. "Who said that to you?"

He raised his voice. "I'm worthless, Magnus! I'm too stupid to go to school and no one will ever love me! My old life is the only one I know. I might as well be dead."

My temper flared. "Did _they_ tell you that?"

Alec wiped at his tear-stained cheeks and tried to shove past me, but I blocked him again and cupped his face in my hands, forcing him to look up at me.

"You are not stupid or worthless or unloved. Do you hear me? Don't you ever say you should be dead. I know potential when I see it, Alec. You're capable of anything, be it loving someone, or solving equations, or reading."

"But it's too hard," he whimpered.

"There might be a reason for that. When you're reading, do the letters get kind of blurry now and then?"

He sniffled. "Sometimes."

"Are some letters hard to tell apart?"

"Yeah."

"She's not positive, but Camille thinks you might have dyslexia. It's a well-known learning disability. It means reading is more difficult for you than it is for others, but Camille can help you with that. She's taught kids with dyslexia before."

"You mean. . . I'm not hopeless?"

I pulled Alec to me in a hug. "Of course not."

Alec's arms wrapped around me, his hands knotting in the back of my jacket. After a moment, he pulled away and wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. "Is Camille mad at me?"

"Not at all. I'll call her and tell her we'll be back tomorrow. Just promise me that you'll try a little harder, okay?"

He nodded and let me steer him back to the car. The air between us was lighter as we drove home. True to my word, I gave Camille a call and sorted everything out. She agreed to make the necessary adjustments to better suit Alec's learning needs. I joined Alec on the couch afterwards and watched cartoons with content.

"Magnus?" Alec said during a commercial break.

"Mhmm?"

"Thanks for being nice to me."

Surprised by his appreciation, I managed a small "you're welcome."

He turned to me. "Can we read a book?"

"Uh, of course."

Alec disappeared into his bedroom and reappeared with a thin book in his hand. I expected to see the familiar cover of 'The Giving Tree,' but what Alec set on his lap was 'Green Eggs and Ham.' Shocking me further, Alec did not hand the book to me. Instead, he opened it to the first page and read the title aloud. My eyes were glued to his face as he turned the page and began to read, his lips curving and parting with each syllable. His pace was slow and he paused frequently as he stumbled over words and sounded them out. Even so, I had never been so captivated by a story. His voice drifted over me like a poem, lulling me into a sense of ease. I found myself leaning toward him, being drawn in by his words.

So stunned and in awe, I asked Alec to read the story again the moment he had finished. Encouraged, he turned back to the first page and started over. I hung on every word, never wanting the book to end.

* * *

 

**Alec**

Dr. Fray glanced up from her computer screen as I entered her office. "Good morning, Alec."

"Hi," I said, returning her smile.

It seemed to make her happy when I said hello to her so I tried to say it every morning, even when I didn't feel like it. She continued her work at her desk while I sat down and set to work filling the papers sprawled in front of me with color.

"You look well today," Clary commented.

I stopped drawing and gave her my full attention. "I read a book today."

"That's excellent."

"It was hard. The words get jumbled sometimes."

Clary jotted something down in her notebook. "Did Magnus read with you?"

"I read to him. He was smiling the entire time." I felt my gaze grow distant. "I like when he looks at me."

"Why is that, Alec?"

I picked up my crayon and started coloring again. It was getting easier to talk to Dr. Fray, but sometimes I got uncomfortable anyway. She never got mad at me or bombarded me with questions when I stopped talking, but she did ask me to continue drawing when I felt nervous. Sometimes it was easier to talk to her when I was drawing, even if it was something I promised not to tell anyone.

"He looks at me like. . ." I trailed off.

"Like what?"

The crayon snapped when I pushed it against the paper. "Like I'm not a bad person."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Dr. Fray rise from her desk. Notebook in hand, she seated herself in the chair across from me.

"What makes you think you're a bad person?" she asked.

I picked up the two halves of the crayon and tried to fit them back together. "Simon and Jordan don't know."

_Stop talking!_ a voice in my head screamed. _If you tell her, she's going to get mad and tell Magnus, and he's going to hate you!_

"What don't they know?"

I set the two pieces aside. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break your crayon."

She smiled. "That's all right. It was an accident. Alec, will you please tell me what Simon and Jordan don't know?"

_Don't tell her!_

I pushed the voice away and reached for another piece of paper. My hand snatched up the familiar black crayon and I began smothering the white surface with dark smears. "They think I protected them, but I didn't."

"What do you mean?"

I scribbled harder. "I let the men do bad things to me so they wouldn't hurt Jordan and Simon."

"You offered yourself to protect them?"

"Yeah." The paper ripped, but I continued coloring. "Jordan and Simon think I offered myself every time. But I didn't."

Clary stayed quiet. I couldn't even hear the scratching of her pen over my forceful scrawling and paper shredding.

"The men opened my cage and asked if I wanted to take Jordan and Simon's place. But I was just so tired and everything hurt so bad. I didn't want them to touch me anymore. I didn't want to cry anymore. So I said no. They locked me back up and I tried to go to sleep, but I could hear Simon and Jordan screaming. I didn't sleep at all, and I cried anyway. I wish I'd said yes. Saying no made me feel dirty, more so than when they were touching me."

"Did you ever say no again?" Clary asked after a moment.

I shook my head. "Never. I didn't want to feel that disgusting again."

"So you told your molesters no only once in a span of fifteen years, and you believe that makes you a bad person?"

"I am a bad person," I agreed.

"You are quite the opposite, Alec Lightwood. You are an incredibly good person." Clary got up from her seat and headed back to her desk.

Now that the paper in front of me was completely destroyed, I set the black crayon aside and continued my work on my original drawing. My hands reached for different colors before my mind even thought about it. The picture unfolding before me somehow began to make sense even though I didn't understand it, like looking at a memory that wasn't mine.

Before I left the office, I grabbed the blackened paper and attempted to smooth out the wrinkles and realign the torn edges. I wondered how others could think I was incredible and brimming with potential when all I felt like was an incredible nothing.


	10. Falling to Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo! Sorry for the delay between chapters, everyone. Still trying to get the chaos that is my life in order. Umm...this chapter might seem a little boring and poor in quality. There are time lapses, but I thought they were essential to keep you all from falling asleep. Just trying to keep the story from dragging anymore than it has to. Also, I was up until 1am writing this...and I had to be up at 5am for my shift. Writer problems. I expect to turn up the intensity in the next chapter. Sadly, that also means that this story is coming to a close. Anyway, Alec and Magnus have their first physical intimacy encounter in this chapter. You've been warned. Hope it doesn't disappoint! Cheers, and happy reading!

My thumb slid over the waxy surface of the colored paper. Aside from the clouds in the sky, not a speck of white remained untouched by crayon. My finger absently drifted over to trace the paper's crisp edge as I stared uncomprehendingly at the picture. Alec had drawn two boys, young judging by the size of them. The direction they faced suggested they were leaving the building drawn beside them, but there was nothing to signify where they were headed. Alec had confirmed that the dark-haired boy was himself, and I verified the building to be a local grocery store. The vintage red and white awning over the door was identical to the one still hanging on the physical building. The final, disconcerting piece of the puzzle was the blonde-haired boy in the picture, the boy Alec swore he had no recollection of.

"I don't understand," I said, gazing at Clary over the top of the paper. "Why would Alec draw someone he doesn't know?"

Clary interlaced her fingers atop her desk. "You're positive that's not Jordan or Simon?"

I shook my head. "Alec would have told me if it was. Besides, neither one of those boys has light hair."

"There is a possibility that the boy was a very early childhood friend, maybe even someone he saw on the street," Clary mused. "That being said, I believe that this is a depiction of a repressed memory."

"A repressed memory?"

"That would explain why Alec doesn't know who that boy is. He can't remember because his mind doesn't want him to. This illustration was most likely created subconsciously, meaning Alec had no idea what he was doing. His mind is still barricading itself."

"Why _this_ memory?" I whispered.

"Excuse me?"

"Alec was molested God knows how many times, but this memory in particular is one of the ones being repressed."

"You know which memory this is?" Clary asked, aghast.

I set the picture on Dr. Fray's desk and slid it across the shiny surface toward her. "According to his case file, Alec went missing from a grocery store."

I hadn't read every tidbit of information on Alec's file, but Luke had clued me in on all the details regarding the abduction. According to Maryse Lightwood's statement, she'd taken her son grocery shopping. Whilst browsing one of the aisles, she happened upon a friend and engaged in conversation. Her back had been turned and, in a matter of only minutes, her four-year-old son had disappeared. At the time, no security cameras had been installed in the small store and there were no witnesses to report any noteworthy behavior, such as a man carrying a crying child to the exit.

Clary leaned back in her chair as she studied the picture. "So this is the earliest memory of the abduction."

"It might give us a lead in the investigation if I can get him to remember who that boy is."

Dr. Fray stiffened. "What are you planning to do, Magnus?"

"I want to take him back to that store. The surroundings might jog his memory and give us our answer."

"I strongly advise against that."

"Why?"

"First of all, my client is still in a fragile state. These memories have been repressed as a means to protect himself. If you unlock this one, who knows how many more will burst open. But one resurfaced nightmare is all it takes for someone as vulnerable as Alec to suffer a mental breakdown. The last thing I want to see is him locked down in the psychiatric ward.

"Secondly, I think you'd be wasting your time. Solidified memories before age five are rare. If you're able to get anything out of Alec at all, it'll be nothing but fragments. I fail to see how taking such a dangerous risk for such a small amount of information will be beneficial to my client."

I got to my feet and made for the door. "I appreciate your concern, Dr. Fray, but, with all due respect, the fewer leads we have on this investigation, the longer those pedophiles are out on the street. And the longer they're out on the street, the greater the chance of them making a return."

* * *

"You don't have to do this," I repeated for the third time.

Alec stared out the windshield, his blue eyes fixed on the building across the parking lot. He'd opted out on wearing my hat today but the scarf was once again fastened around his neck. My gaze followed the dark strands of hair that curled slightly against the storm-blue material.

"I want to help," Alec assured me, though his voice wavered.

I banished the relief from my expression. "If you start to feel uncomfortable at any point, just let me know and we'll leave. Okay?"

Alec inhaled deeply. "Okay."

We got out of the car and started our way across the parking lot. Alec's arm pressed against mine, searching for reassurance. I pulled my hand from my pocket and pressed it lightly against the small of his back, not to push him along but to comfort him. He drew closer to my side in response.

The automatic door swung open, eliciting a startled jump from Alec. He let out a nervous chuckle and stepped into the store. The scent of fresh produce wafted through the air as I stopped at Alec's side. His mouth and eyes were wide as he absorbed his surroundings. I hoped the store hadn't been rearranged too much to muddy Alec's memory.

Silently, Alec began to move forward. I followed as he walked toward the heart of the store. He paused at the end of every aisle, staring down the walkway of shelves with a pained expression. I watched him intently, tangled between reaching out to him or not disrupting his thoughts. Eventually he shook his head, dislodging his reflections, and continued to the next aisle. We were nearing the far side of the building when Alec suddenly stiffened. He stumbled back a step on unsteady feet, but before I could touch his shoulder to steady him, he rushed into the aisle and gaped, with distant eyes, at an item on the shelf. I mimicked his actions and stood, barely breathing as we stared at a box of cereal.

"I want that one," he whispered.

My eyebrows furrowed. "Are you hungry?"

Alec reached his arm up and plucked the box from the shelf, his eyes tracing over the front designs. "I wanted my mom to get me this one, but I couldn't reach the box."

I tensed. This was the crucial moment. The elasticity of Alec's mind was going to hold its form, stretch out in search of uncovered memories, or snap in two.

Still holding the cereal box, Alec turned to the empty space beside him. "I tried to get her attention but she was talking." He whipped around suddenly, spooking me. His eyes were now fastened on the floor beside my feet. "He's there."

My blood chilled. "Who's there, Alec?"

The box groaned as Alec's fingers tightened around it. "The picture. . ."

"The boy from the picture?"

Alec let the box fall to the floor and started down the aisle. I hastily picked up the item and replaced it on the shelf before hurrying after him. His gaze was fixed in front of him as his feet carried him toward the exit.

"I don't know if I should," Alec mumbled, barely audible. "I might get in trouble."

My heart skipped a beat as I wondered what Alec was seeing. This memory was not simply replaying in his mind; he was reliving it. Word for word. Step by step. He passed through the automatic door without so much as a blink and came to an abrupt halt. An elderly couple shuffling to the entrance gave us a baffled look but continued on their way without question.

Alec spun in a circle, searching frantically. When he stopped, he faced me with desperate eyes. "What— What happened next?"

I lifted my shoulders, unable to speak. Alec groaned and pushed the heels of his palms against his forehead. He muttered to himself incoherently before, to my horror, beating at his head with his fists. With a curse I reached out and snagged Alec's wrists, pinning them at a safe distance. His eyes unclouded as they met mine.

"The water tasted funny."

Ignoring that, I asked in a rush, "What happened to the other little boy, Alec?"

He cocked his head to the side and gazed at me as if the answer, as clear as day, had gone straight over my head. "He made me drink the water."

* * *

"Let me get this straight." Luke lowered his voice and leaned in toward me. "You think the kid in this picture was an accomplice in Alec's abduction?"

I glanced over my shoulder to make sure Alec hadn't heard, but the nineteen-year-old was engrossed in a game of tic-tac-toe with one of the other officers. His trembling and distant demeanour had been replaced by a broad smile and laughter. Satisfied, I turned back to Luke and jabbed my finger at the light-haired boy in Alec's drawing.

"This kid led Alec outside of the store, and Alec told me himself that the twerp made Alec drink water that tasted funny. If the water was drugged, isn't it plausible that Alec was lured outside by this kid?"

Luke sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know how ludicrous this sounds, right?"

"Come on, Luke," I groaned. "What about this case isn't ludicrous? Nothing else explains Alec's memory. Why would some random kid leave a grocery store with Alec in tow? Doesn't it make sense to consider sibling accomplices or a father-son team?"

Luke's eyes flitted between Alec and me. "If you're right about this, that means we're looking at a whole new level of disturbing."

I checked on Alec again. A smile tugged at my lips as he high-fived the officer next to him, his cheeks pink. He was beautiful when he was happy. There just wasn't enough happiness in his life to sustain his smile.

"Do me a favor?" I leaned in closer to my partner. "Can you double check Alec's date of birth for me?"

* * *

 

The two of us were sitting on Alec's bed, arms barely touching as Alec finished reading the final sentence aloud. He closed the book and set it carefully on the pile next to him. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, stretching his arms above his head. I averted my gaze when his shirt lifted and exposed the smooth skin of his stomach.

"Magnus?"

"Hmm?" I plucked at an invisible thread on my sweats.

"I'm sorry I couldn't help today."

"What are you talking about? You were a tremendous help. You gave us more than we could have asked for."

"The missing pieces in my memory are important to you."

Alec's intuitiveness was eerie. "You don't always need all the pieces to solve the puzzle."

He looked up at me. "We're going to stop them, right?"

I held his gaze. "Of course we are."

Unexpectedly, Alec shifted on the bed and I suddenly found myself with his arms wrapped around my neck and his face buried in my shoulder. My arms curled around his back and tugged him against me. My mind flashed back to the night I had carried Alec from that house. His bound arms had been so weak and thin around my neck back then, but now they were strong and steady, strange yet familiar.

"Will you stay with me tonight?" Alec whispered.

"Of course."

Alec finally unwrapped his arms from around me and slid under the blankets. He unknotted his scarf and set it delicately on top of the stack of books. I pulled the blankets up to my waist just as Alec flicked the lamp off. The pillow cradled my head as the night's shadows engulfed us. Just as I was about to turn onto my side, Alec rolled up against me. His arms remained tucked against his chest but he lifted his head to rest it over my heart. I hoped the racing beat wasn't too loud in his ear.

I knew the day had been exhausting and frightened for Alec, so, strictly as a means of comfort, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and brushed my fingers against the tendrils of hair curled at the nape of his neck. I skimmed my fingertips up and down in a soothing motion, ignoring the puckered bumps of scar tissue. Alec shivered and nestled closer to me, eventually settling into a steady rhythm of breathing.

I lay awake for a long time, staring up into the darkness. It was futile to deny that I wanted to stay like this forever, touching Alec's skin, twining my fingers through the softness of his hair, drinking in his intoxicating scent. Never in my life had I imagined I would be jealous of a scarf.

* * *

 

The cat had successfully entertained Alec for hours. I watched from my vantage point on the couch, sipping my coffee, as he dragged a shoelace across the floor. The feline crouched down and stalked after it before pouncing. When Alec dangled it in the air the cat made a reach for it, his body wriggling and his arms flailing. I wondered if Alec's cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

Still. . . As nice as it was to see Alec having fun at home, I wanted to see him make friends, the kind that walked on two legs, spoke English, and wouldn't pee in my shoe as an act of revenge.

"Alec?" He didn't respond so I called a bit louder, "Alec?"

He looked up at me and, with his attention diverted, the cat seized the shoelace and took off down the hall with it dangling from his jaws.

"Have you thought about giving Simon or Jordan a call?"

Alec crossed his legs and rubbed his arm, uncomfortable. "Not really."

"I'm sure they'd love to hear from you," I encouraged. "You could get together and hang out, be teenagers, have fun."

"I don't want to interrupt their plans."

"You wouldn't be interrupting. Let's see if they want to get together this week."

I set my coffee down and got up from the couch. The paper with their numbers was in Alec's room, but before I could take two steps, a hand squeezed my wrist and tugged me back. I turned and found Alec still holding onto me, his eyes pleading.

"Please don't call them," he begged.

"Why not? They're your friends."

"We're not friends."

"It might not feel that way," I conceded, "but if you spend a little time getting to know each other—"

"I don't want to spend time with them."

I gently pried Alec's fingers from my wrist. "Why would you say that?"

Alec sighed. "Because I want them to be happy, and to be happy they need to forget about me."

"That's not true," I said, measuring his expression.

"Yes it is. Magnus, whenever Simon and Jordan think of me, they're going to think about what I did for them, and then they're going to think about what was done to them. I'm a living reminder of what they went through. The sooner they forget about me, the sooner they can move on and be happy."

"They will never forget about you, Alec. They admire you, and you are important to them."

Alec was quiet for a moment, considering my words. Finally he answered, "Please don't call them."

I let out a long breath and nodded. Alec offered a half-smile and went in search of the cat. I watched him go, wondering when he was going to stop sacrificing himself for others.

* * *

 

**Two Months Later**

"'To Alec,'" Alec read aloud. "'W-wishing you the best on your s-sp-special day. Love Cat.'"

I grinned as he meticulously added another twenty-dollar bill to a small pile of others before adding Cat's card to his collection. Though it was just Alec, the cat, and I celebrating at the house, he'd received a number of gifts earlier in the week. Camille had given him some money and new books; Cat had stashed money in his card; Dr. Fray had sent two gift cards, one for an apparel store and one for a cafe that specialized in all flavors of hot chocolate; and the guys from the station had all chipped in to buy Alec some workout gear, a volleyball, and a basketball. Alec was thrilled by all his gifts, particularly the basketball, but it was the cards he paid special attention to. He read each of them aloud at least twice and he treated them as if they were ancient tomes, opening them sheepishly and taking care not to bend them.

"Looks like there's only one left," I announced, sliding a small wrapped box to him.

Alec lifted up the small note taped to the top. "'To the most a-ma-zing person in the world.'"

I felt heat bloom in my cheeks. Originally I'd made Alec a handwritten card, but I'd filled the front, back, and middle pages with heartfelt words, top to bottom. Despite his impressive reading skills, it would have taken Alec forever to read the tiny scripture, and I'd have been too embarrassed to look at him when he finished. There was a lot my heart wanted to say, but my brain didn't want to say any of it. So I settled for a stupid note with a cheesy one-liner.

Alec slipped the note free of the tape and set it with the other cards, much to my relief. Next he set to work carefully tearing away the wrapping paper. He lifted the uncovered box and stared at the image on the front. A wide smile tugged at his lips.

"My very own cell phone?"

I grinned at his excitement. "Activated and ready to go."

Alec tore into the box and removed the device. Bypassing the instruction booklet, he scooted closer to me and watched as I demonstrated how to use it. I handed it back and helped him navigate to contact information.

"Type my name in," I directed, waiting patiently. "Great. Now type in these numbers: seven, seven, two, nine, three, seven, five, eight, one, one."

Alec added my info, mouthing the numbers as he tapped the keys. "I can call you now?"

"Anytime you want. Check it out." I pointed to another application. "This is call a voice memo. It records your voice." I pressed the button and talked into the mouthpiece. "There better be cake at your party, Alec."

Alec grinned as he listened to my voice play over and over. "What else can it do?"

I plucked the phone from his hands. "It can also take pictures."

The phone's camera shutter clicked as I snapped a picture of Alec. He smiled as he realized what I was doing and I snapped another. Snapshots of him caught mid-laugh appeared in the bottom corner, warming my heart.

"Your turn!" Alec stole the phone from me and began taking pictures.

I smiled and made goofy faces at him before holding my hand up and blocking my face.

"Keep going!" Alec shouted in an absurd yet posh British accent. "The camera loves you, darling!"

I burst out laughing, unable to contain myself. My eyes burned with tears as I guffawed. "Where did you learn that?"

"TV," Alec stated proudly. "Can we take one together?"

Without waiting for an answer, he leaned against me and raised the camera, holding it above us like a pro. He clicked the button and turned the phone round to gaze at the picture. I peered over his shoulder and felt my pulse leap in my throat. Normally not very photogenic, I was surprised to see how decent I looked. My hair was still styled nicely, not at all mussed. My eyes sparkled with tears of laughter and my smile was bright and genuine. It was Alec, however, who captured the attention. His eyes glowed brightly, shockingly blue against his black hair. And his smile. . . He was beaming. It was a smile that erased any and all negativity just by looking at it. He shined, like starlight on the sea's surface.

"Can you send that to me?" I asked.

With my help, Alec forwarded the picture to me in a text. I spent a minute just staring at it before tucking my phone away. If there was ever a picture I wanted expanded, framed, and hung on my wall, it was that one.

"Come on, birthday boy." I pushed myself to my feet and tapped Alec's shoulder. "One last event of the night."

He waited patiently as I arranged twenty candles on his birthday cake and lit them one by one. Pleased with my work, I stepped back and gestured for him to step forward. Alec looked at me, his expression a cross between expectant and confused.

"Normally there's a song you're supposed to sing, but I'd really rather not shatter my windows with my vocalizations. Happy birthday, Alec! Now blow out the candles."

Alec hesitantly gave it his best first shot, getting through only half the candles. I held back on teasing him and waited patiently for him to extinguish the rest. He helped me pull the candles from the cake and then grabbed plates and forks. I handed him a piece of the chocolate dessert and watched as he took his first bite. His eyes closed and he set the plate back on the counter. I blinked, worried I'd messed up on the baking, until Alec pulled me into a tight embrace.

"This is the best birthday ever, Magnus," he murmured against my shoulder. "Thank you."

I expelled a relieved breath and hugged him back. "You're welcome, Alec."

I had to agree with him. It may not have been the most eventful party, and the company was limited, but it had been the happiest birthday I'd ever attended. It was the happiest I'd seen Alec, and it was the happiest I'd felt in a long time. That, all in itself, made it the best.

* * *

 

_I was dreaming. I knew because I was sitting in my old college library. Alone at one of the tables, there were books and papers fanned in front of me like peacock feathers. My heart was racing because I couldn't find the information I needed to start my essay. Without my sources, I could not give my essay a body and my citation page would be blank. This paper was destined for an automatic fail, one I could not afford._

_So was this a dream or was it a nightmare?_

_"Do you need some help?"_

_I was up and out of my chair in a flash. Alec stood behind my chair holding a textbook in his hand. The tossed it onto the table and the_ thump _it made echoed through the empty library._

_"Alec," I gasped. "You're not in my class."_

_He shook his head. "No. Not yet, anyway. But who knows what the future might bring. Maybe I'll go to college, become a cop like you."_

_I shivered. The room was freezing, but Alec was only clad in a t-shirt and jeans. He seemed unbothered by the temperature. He braced a hand on the table and bent over to scan the documents sprawled there. I swallowed as my eyes travelled over his body. He looked like he did now in reality: lean but strong back and arm muscles, a hint of breadth to his shoulders, a new height that I was getting used to. In the dream, even his confidence had strengthened. He was poised and precise, and his eyes were clear of the darkness that sometimes lingered in the blue glass irises._

_Alec stretched out his leg and kicked the chair aside. He inched closer and angled his body to face me. "I want to help you."_

_I looked at him quizzically, genuinely confused. I knew he wasn't talking about the assignment. "I don't need help."_

_"It must be exhausting trying to convince everyone of that," Alec said. "Including yourself."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_Alec closed more distance between us. "You can try to hide it as much as you like, Magnus, but I can see that you're hurting. Let me take care of you."_

_"I'm not hiding anything," I insisted._

_"You don't have to lie to me. You're suffering from a memory, and you keep telling everyone you're fine even when all you want is for someone to take care of you."_

_I bit the inside of my cheek as Alec circled around me. I turned with him, not daring to let him out of my sight. He stopped circling and began to approach. I stepped back in response and gasped when I felt the table's edge at the back of my thighs. Alec was now close enough for me to feel the warmth of his breath, to smell the scent of his shampoo._

_"I'll take care of you," he whispered._

_I froze as he leaned forward. Soft lips pressed against mine, zapping every nerve in my body to life. Alec's hand came up to cup my cheek, his thumb brushing across my jawbone. I relaxed slightly, pushing my face into his palm. Still keeping the kiss gentle, Alec coaxed me to open my mouth and let his tongue inside. His other hand moved to rest on my waist. I waited for him to start tearing at my clothes, greedily touching my flesh. But Alec's hands stayed in place, and he focused all his attention on moving his lips sweetly against mine. Only when I couldn't catch my breath did he switch to kissing other places. The hollows under my ears. My jaw. My neck._

_"I'll take care of you," he said again._

_His mouth sealed over mine—_

I jerked awake, sensing a presence beside me. I sat up, startled to see Alec watching over me. It had been a long time since we'd shared a bed. He slept in (not under) his and I slept in mine. It was dim, nearly dawn, but I could see the concern in Alec's eyes. I'd kicked the duvet off in my sleep, and I was sweating despite the chill.

"Alec—"

"I want to help you, Magnus," he cut in.

I gaped at him. "What—"

Suddenly he was on the bed, hovering over me on hands and knees. He was dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, but I could feel the _presence_ of his muscles and bare skin above me. He pressed his hand against my naked chest, laying me down.

"I hear you talk in your sleep," he murmured. "You have these dreams a lot. Please, Magnus. Let me help you in the only way I can."

I became very aware that I was only wearing a pair of boxers. "Alec, what are you doing?"

He leaned his face down to mine and whispered, "Just trust me."

My eyes widened as he kissed me. It was just as gentle as it had been in the dream, as it had been the first time he'd kissed me months ago. I let my eyes close and I melted into the mattress. My heart remained steady even when Alec's hands began to roam over my chest. They drifted lower and lower, lingering on the flat panes of my stomach before descending further.

I pulled back from Alec's lips. "Alec, you don't have to—"

"It's okay. I want to."

My head was spinning. I couldn't believe this was happening. "It's okay. I can take care of it myself."

Alec swiped his tongue across my nipple and a gasp ripped from my throat. He paused, waiting to see if I would push him away before continuing. I groaned as he gave another lick and followed with a light bite. He kissed a path directly down the center of my body, coming to a stop just above the waistband of my boxers. I barely had time to think before he pulled them down, freeing my erection. He licked the tip before taking me into his mouth. I moaned and arched off the bed.

I found myself tangled in a web. On one hand, it made my heart soar to think I was sharing this moment with Alec. On the other, I was mortified that I was allowing him to do this to me. He was recovering from the trauma of his past, yet I was too lost in desire to push him away. He was making me feel better than Ragnor had, but Alec had no shortage in experience.

I groaned, but I did not know if it had been drawn from my pleasure or my thoughts. "Alec, you can stop."

Alec moved his mouth from root to tip and back down. I arched off the bed again when he made a swallowing motion. Already I could feel my pleasure tightening and coiling.

"Alec, please. You have to stop or I'm going to come."

He paid no heed to me, just continued moving his magnificent mouth. I rocked my hips in rhythm with him, feeling the pleasure build and build and build until. . .

I came with a loud cry, releasing into Alec's mouth. He did not pull away until I was finished, and he swallowed every last drop. He replaced my boxers as I lay completely still, trying to catch my breath. I felt Alec curl up on his side beside me, his eyes studying me. I wondered if he could see the shame burning in my cheeks.

When I said nothing after a long while, he asked, "Did I do something wrong?"

I rolled over and kissed Alec's forehead. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him against me. "No. Get some sleep, Alec."

He complied without argument, sleeping in the warmth of my arms. But I stayed wide awake until well after dawn.

_I think_ I _did something wrong, Alec. And I don't know how the hell to fix it. . . or if I even want to._


	11. Reverted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salutations! This chapter was supposed to be written and posted last week, but other obligations got in the way. Apologies for that. The intensity...it's building. I'm not 100% sure, but I think there are only two chapters left. Count 'em. Two. My emotions! Anyway, I hope this chapter rises to meet valued expectations. There is more physical intimacy between Alec and Magnus in this chapter. Don't like it? Don't read it. Thank you, everyone, for bearing with me and keeping this story alive! Cheers and happy reading!

I wrapped my arms around my knees and hugged them to my chest against the morning chill. Alec was still asleep in my bed, and my thoughts were so loud in my head that I'd worried they'd wake him. Now I was outside alone, sitting on the back step, gazing through the wispy morning mist at my bare backyard. Aside from the surrounding white fence and green blanket of grass there was not much to look at. A neon orange Frisbee had somehow found its way onto my property. I wondered how long it had been there, if anyone missed it.

The door opened behind me with a creak and Alec seated himself next to me on the step. His bare toes peeked out beneath the hems of his sweatpants and his hands were tucked away inside the sleeves of his hoodie. I let the corner of my mouth tug into a smile but otherwise did not look at him. The two of us sat in silence, pretending to be fascinated by the otherwise uninteresting backyard.

Finally, Alec asked quietly, "Are you mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Because of what I did last night."

The memory triggered a warmth inside me that spread from my chest all the way to my extremities. "I'm not mad at you," I managed, a little too coolly.

Alec turned his gaze to me. "But you didn't want me to do it."

I looked over at him and gave a half-hearted smile. "It's complicated."

"He hurt you," Alec stated. "Ragnor."

"Yes."

"I don't like seeing you hurt, Magnus."

"I'm not hurting," I said, sounding convincing to my own ears.

Alec saw right through my lie. "Yes you are. You smile a lot, but it doesn't always reflect in your eyes. And you tried to help me. You've done everything for me: comforting me, giving me a home when I had nowhere else to go, making me healthy. You make the pain go away, Magnus. You know who are good at making pain go away? Those who have experienced pain before."

I bumped his shoulder with mine. "When did you get to be so insightful?"

"I see and I think. Camille said quiet people have loud minds."

"I hate to admit it, but Camille is right."

"Am I right, too?"

My breath formed a cloud as I exhaled. "Yeah."

Alec smiled. "It's nice knowing you're not alone."

A muffled meow interrupted me before I could reply. Alec and I turned to see the cat pawing at the door, peering at us through the screen with pathetic eyes. Alec reached back and pulled the door open and the feline rushed outside. He took exaggerated steps as his paws touched the cold cement before climbing onto the warmth of Alec's lap.

"Spoiled cat," I mumbled.

Alec scratched the cat behind the ears and a purr rumbled from his throat. "You aren't spoiled are you, Church?"

"Church?" I repeated.

Alec's eyes met mine. "That's what I call him."

I blanched. "Oh really?"

"Camille talks about church. She goes every Sunday."

I rolled my eyes. "I find that very hard to believe."

"I asked her what church was and she said it's a place where people go to pray and worship. She said it helps people, comforts them and offers sanctuary." Alec stroked his finger under the cat's chin. "He's always comforted me and I've always felt safe around him, so I thought the name would be fitting."

"I guess it is long overdue. Calling him 'the cat' for the rest of his life would be pretty dull, huh?"

"Not to mention rude," Alec added, eliciting a meow of agreement from the cat— Church. "I guess it's settled. Church it is." I avoided attempting to pet the feline lest he try to bite me and instead gave Alec's shoulder another nudge. "Did you eat breakfast yet?"

Alec shook his head and gathered Church into his arms. He got up from the step and headed inside. I stayed where I was for a moment longer, reveling in how, just like the morning mist, the hurt inside me was slowly fading away.

* * *

The waiting room was quiet, empty except for me and one other man with a fidgeting problem. I glanced at the clock on the wall again. Alec had gone over his allotted time slot with Dr. Fray once again. This was no longer alarming or unusual, but I couldn't help but wonder what the two of them were discussing that took so much of Clary's precious time. I never asked and Alec never went into any details, but I never stopped wondering.

The office door finally opened and Alec and Clary stepped out. Another folded paper was in his hand. Dr. Fray touched Alec's shoulder and spoke to him quietly before watching him go. She inclined her head to me and then called the name of her next client. The fidgety man across from me all but flew out of his chair and rushed into her office.

I stood up. "Another drawing?"

Alec handed the paper to me. "Same old."

I unfolded it to uncover the familiar splotches of red and blue spreading from corner to corner.

"I can't stop seeing the lights," Alec said in a hushed voice.

I refolded the paper and handed it back to him. "I know. I see them, too." It seemed the red and blue flashes were tattooed on my mind. When I saw the lights reflecting off the floor, I instantly remembered the feel of Alec in my arms, his light, bony body curled against my torso.

We walked back to my car and began the commute back home. Once Alec finished the exercises Camille had assigned him for the day, I planned on taking him for a run through the park. Hodge had worked out a schedule back at the station that allowed me to come in for afternoon shifts a couple times a week. Alec was slowly becoming accustomed to being alone for a few hours while I went in to work. The first couple tries had been train wrecks, with Alec calling me on my cell every half hour. He'd gotten better, but I always noticed the anxiety in his expression and the tension in his shoulders whenever I got home. I was thankful to not have to dread seeing that today, and Alec seemed a lot happier knowing I had the day off.

We were about halfway home when my cell phone began to ring. My brows furrowed at the sound. I rarely received calls this early in the day. Worried, I connected the call and pressed the phone against my ear.

"Magnus?"

"Luke?" I answered, detecting unease in my partner's voice. "What's going on?"

"Hodge wants you here at the station," Luke said gravely. "There's something you need to see."

"I'm on my way." I disconnected the call and made a hasty U-turn.

"Where are we going?" Alec asked.

"I just need to go to work for a minute."

"Okay," he said, picking up on my apprehension.

I pulled into the station's parking lot a few minutes later and headed inside with Alec in tow. Officers bustled around us as we made our way to Hodge's office. Before we got too close, Luke stepped outside and closed the door behind him. The paleness of my partner's skin alarmed me.

"Hey, Alec," Luke said, forcing a smile.

Alec smiled back weakly. "Hey, Luke."

Luke looked across the room. "Blackthorn!" He waved his arm.

Another officer, the one who had taught Alec how to play tic-tac-toe, approached us. I did not know much about Andrew Blackthorn, only that he was a nice enough guy. My instinct told me that Luke wanted to leave Alec with him while he filled me in on what was going on. I did not have a problem with Blackthorn watching over Alec, but the concealed weight of the situation left me on edge.

"Alec!" Blackthorn clapped Alec on the back and smiled broadly. "Good to see you, bud."

"Hey, Andrew."

"Why don't you take Alec back to your desk, Blackthorn?" Luke suggested.

"You up for another round of tic-tac-toe?" Andrew asked Alec. "I'm going to win this time."

Alec looked at me. I nodded my head. "Go on."

With a look of excitement, Alec followed Blackthorn back to his desk. Once they were out of earshot, Luke rested his hand on my shoulder and leaned in toward me.

"Have you watched the news today?"

I shook my head. "What's going on?"

Luke opened Hodge's office door. "See for yourself."

I stepped inside the office, which was crowded with a few other officers. I nodded my head in acknowledgement to them before scouting Hodge. He sat behind his desk, his head in his hand. Luke closed the door behind me as I followed the gazes of the other officers. A female news anchor stared back from the TV screen, her face stoic as she read from a teleprompter. A red banner floated across the bottom of the screen, boasting breaking news.

"—the nightmare is repeating itself as we've just confirmed that another face has been added to the frantic search, belonging to sixteen-year-old Simon Lewis. His family reported him missing when he did not return home from his therapy session. Road blocks and Amber Alerts have been put in place in both boys' home states. Families of both victims are pleading with the public for any information regarding the whereabouts of these boys, both of whom were reunited with their families only months ago after being abducted and held captive for over five years."

The screen was filled with a recent photo of Simon. He looked nearly identical to the boy who'd been bound to a pillar in the basement of the house. His stature and weight hadn't changed as significantly as Alec's, but the smile in the photo was genuine, hinting that his mental recovery had surpassed his physical recovery.

I had to place a hand on Hodge's desk to steady myself. This wasn't happening. How could Simon be missing again?

The camera was now focused on a male reporter from out of state. Behind him was a crime scene, blocked off with yellow tape and abundant with police officers, dogs, and a forensics team. They swarmed the surrounding trees and hills on what appeared to be a hiking trail.

"Authorities are speculating that Jordan Kyle was ambushed and abducted on his routine morning jog. This trail is not frequented by many joggers, and so far no witnesses have stepped forward. Police have found evidence of a struggle as well as the hoodie Jordan was wearing when he left his house this morning. Nothing further has been disclosed on this investigation."

I found myself staring into the eyes of Jordan Kyle. Like Simon's, the photo had been recently taken. Jordan's hair had been cut shorter and styled into a faux hawk, and he'd gained a bit of muscle. Obviously he still hadn't been strong enough to fight off his attacker.

The female anchor was back onscreen again, finishing up the report. "Of course, the question on everyone's mind is: Have the original abductors made a horrifying return?"

I crumbled to my knees. Luke's voice echoed around me distantly, and my body was too numb to feel his hand on my shoulder.

"Everyone go back to your desks," Hodge instructed. "Our third victim is in the station so, for the love of God, keep your mouths shut."

The other officers filed out of the room until only Hodge, Luke, and myself remained. On shaky legs I managed to get myself standing again. The two of them remained silent, waiting for me to speak.

"Simon and Jordan are both missing?"

"They both disappeared within a couple of hours of each other," Luke confirmed.

"In completely different states," Hodge added.

"Do you think it's them? The same two men who started this?" I questioned.

Hodge rubbed a hand over his face. "We don't know for sure, but my gut is telling me that those two bastards are behind this."

Luke straightened. "We need to get Alec into Witness Protection. Relocate him."

"What?" I cried. "Absolutely not."

"Bane," Hodge growled, "use your head. He could be next."

"Alec's not with his family. Surely the abductors have no idea where to look for him. I'll protect Alec at all costs. It'll tear him apart if he finds out about all this, and putting him into WitPro will just scare and confuse him."

"You want to leave him in the dark?"

"He's finally getting better. Don't cut his legs out from under him."

Hodge mulled over my argument for a long while before sighing. "Fine. He stays with you for now. But if you get even an inkling of a bad feeling, you bring him here and we're putting him into WitPro. I'm trusting your instincts, Bane."

"Thank you, sir."

"Don't expect any more shifts until these guys are caught. Your eyes stay on that kid twenty-four-seven."

"Understood."

Luke followed me as I exited the office and made a beeline for Blackthorn's desk. Before I could get too far, my partner put his hand on my shoulder, pulling me to a halt.

"Are you sure about this?" he whispered.

"I get a bad feeling thinking about leaving someone else in charge of Alec's safety."

Luke nodded and squeezed my shoulder. "If you need anything, you give me a call."

I thanked him and continued on my way. Unaware of the situation at hand, as well as my emotional turmoil, Alec finished up his game with Blackthorn and then followed me out to the car. He cast sidelong glances at me from time to time but otherwise said nothing. I pulled out of the parking lot and headed for home.

The weather had decided to match my mood and had traded the brief hours of sunshine for dark clouds heavy with rain. By the time we got home, we were rushed inside by the downpour. After removing his shoes and coat, Alec plastered himself to the window, watching the rain. I deposited myself into the sofa, rubbing my fingers against my temples. Eventually, I pulled myself together and encouraged Alec to do his homework while I made a late lunch. He did his work on the living room floor, distracted by the weather outside. I wondered what the rain looked like in his eyes.

The weather persisted for the next couple of hours. Alec switched back and forth between reading and watching the rain. I'd finally shoved the events of that morning into the farthest corner of my mind. Now I watched in contentment as Alec lifted Church so he, too, could look out the window.

"Magnus?" Alec asked hesitantly, turning to face me. "Can I go outside?"

"In this weather?"

He nodded. "I don't remember the feel of rain. I've only read about it."

How could I argue with that? I smiled. "All right. Just for a little while."

Alec rushed for the back door as soon as I'd agreed. In his hasty excitement, he hadn't bothered to put on his shoes or coat. Chuckling to myself, I zipped on my hoodie and headed for the back door. Through the screen I watched him as he stood in the rain, staring up at the sky. He was already drenched, his shirt clinging to his body and his hair plastered to his face. I joined him outside but stood under the safety of the roof's overhang. The cement was chilly against my bare feet but I ignored it.

Alec lifted his arms and spread them wide. He inhaled the rain's fresh scent and smiled. With a laugh, he spun in a circle, his face upturned. I couldn't help but be mesmerized by him. My feet began to move forward, drawing me into the rain. I welcomed the splattering against my hair and the heaviness of my clothes as they absorbed the moisture, because I could feel my fear melting and my pain washing away.

Alec continued spinning as I approached. He stumbled, dizzy, when he stopped, but his eyes found mine and coaxed a smile out of me. I closed the distance between us and reached my hand up to slide my fingers down his wet cheek. Alec's smile did not waver, not even when I cupped his cheek in my palm and brushed my thumb across his skin over and over. I bent my head and touched my forehead to his, shivering as the rain slid down the back of my exposed neck. Alec's hands found my face and I moved mine down to his waist. I lifted him up and tugged his body against mine. His legs wrapped around my waist, anchoring him to me. As he tilted his head back into the rain, I rested my forehead against his chest and slowly began rotating in a circle. Alec's hands left my face as he spread his arms wide again, palms upturned.

Regrettably, my muscles began to ache from the cold. Alec set his hands on my shoulders for stability and I lowered him back to the ground. Though he was still smiling, I could see the tremors of his body. Taking his hand, I led him back into the warmth of the house. He followed me to my bedroom, laughing.

"That was amazing!" he gushed. "I love the rain!"

I laughed and slipped out of my sopping hoodie. "You should change into something dry before you catch a cold."

An odd expression crossed over Alec's face. He stepped forward and kissed me, holding my face to his with his hands. I closed my eyes, losing myself to the feel of his lips against mine.

When he pulled away, he whispered, "I'm sorry. I just had to do that."

"I don't mind," I whispered back, pushing his dripping hair from his eyes.

"Magnus, I want to know what it feels like to be with someone who cares about me."

"What do you mean?"

Alec's glowing eyes flitted to the bed. I retreated a step, pulling my hand from Alec's face. He reached out and clasped my fingers in his.

"Alec—"

"Please. I want to experience that sort of love for once in my life."

I squeezed his fingers. "Are you sure?"

He nodded, holding my gaze. I let out a breath and pulled my fingers free. Gripping the bottom of my shirt, I pulled it up and over my head. Alec's eyes roamed over my naked skin, warming me. Slowly, I undid my belt and unzipped my jeans. I slid them down my legs and stepped out of them. Alec swallowed hard as he looked at the lower half of my body. I remembered the feel of his mouth of me and felt my body twitch in response.

I gripped the hem of Alec's t-shirt loosely and asked one last time, "Are you sure you want to do this?"

He nodded again. "Yes."

I leaned down and kissed him once before peeling off his shirt. My eyes explored his torso. His ribs were no longer visible and the only blemishes in sight were the red bumps scarring his neck. I bent my head and placed feather-light kisses on a few of the scars, then I returned my mouth to Alec's. He closed his eyes and moved closer to me, searching for more friction, for more heat. My hand reached for Alec's belt—

Alec knocked my hand away roughly. He pulled his mouth from mine, his eyes wide. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I used to— It's a habit. . ."

I cupped his cheek. "It's okay, Alec. It's okay."

He nodded and I kissed him again as softly as I could manage. When my hand moved to his belt again, he did not shove me away. Instead he deepened the kiss, searching my mouth with his tongue. I tasted him back, all the while unclasping his belt and unzipping his jeans. When he stepped free of the drenched material, I lifted Alec again, gripping his thighs and urging him to wrap his legs around me. Our mouths sealed together as I carried him to the bed and gently laid his down, draping myself over him.

He squirmed underneath me as I began to kiss a path down his neck to his chest. I swiped my tongue over his nipple and he gasped, clutching my shoulder tightly. I trailed my fingers down his side to his hip, making him shiver. My tongue trailed down his abdomen to his navel, dipping down into the crevice. Alec's hips bucked upwards and he groaned. The moment the sound passed his lips, he slapped his hand over his mouth, his cheeks burning with embarrassment. I slid back up his body and moved his hand so I could kiss him.

"You have a beautiful voice," I whispered.

He smiled and I kissed him again. Keeping my weight off him, I moved onto my side and rolled Alec so his back was against my chest. I saw the confusion in his eyes and when he turned to ask what I was doing, I craned my neck and kissed him deeply. I slid my left arm under Alec's body to reach around and circle his nipple with my fingers, teasing him. He moaned against my mouth in response. So as to not surprise him, I placed my right hand on his chest and slowly began to slide it down the front of his body. He arched his hips when I reached just below his navel, but otherwise did not protest. Still kissing him, I slipped my hand under his boxers and wrapped my fingers around him.

Alec gasped. I stilled both my hands, waiting for his head to clear so he could decide what to do next. Surprising me, he kissed me again and began rocking his hips against my hand. He pulled his mouth away from mine and scooted closer to me. I groaned as his backside rubbed against my erection, but I pushed away the haze in my mind and focused solely on him. He moaned my name and clutched at my left hand, lacing his fingers through mine. I squeezed his hand and rested my forehead against the nape of his neck, inhaling the scent of his rain-washed skin.

Alec's rhythm began to quicken. I felt his muscles begin to tense. He twitched in my hand, signalling his climax. To help him, I rocked my hips, ever so slightly, against him. He gasped as he felt me press against him but not enter him. I continued rocking as his breathing escalated. Suddenly, Alec squeezed my hand to the point of pain, cried my name, and released. I continued pumping him until he went slack in my arms, attempting to catch his breath. I pulled my hand out from under his boxers and pulled him tighter against me in a hug. His hand reached back to rest on my hip and began to creep between us, but I grabbed his wrist.

"I want this to be about you, Alec," I whispered into his ear. "Not me."

Alec turned in my arms so he was facing me. His cheeks were flushed from desire. "I don't deserve you."

I kissed the tip of his nose. "You deserve better."

He kissed me back. "There is no one better."

* * *

 

I'd been debating for twenty minutes whether or not I dared switching on the TV. I needed to remain caught up on recent events, but I dreaded seeing what could pop up on the screen. Best case scenario, Jordan and Simon had been found and the perpetrators had been taken into custody. Worst case scenario. . . Well, I didn't even want to think about that.

Against my better judgement, I turned the TV on and, not wanting to wake Alec, lowered the volume to the bare minimum. I searched the guide for the local news and hesitated only a second before switching to the channel. My jaw fell open the moment the first image appeared: two body-shaped bumps covered by sheets.

"The bodies of Simon Lewis and Jordan Kyle were found on a walking trail early this morning. A jogger's dog discovered the half-buried bodies and the woman immediately notified police. It appears as though both boys were sexually assaulted before being strangled to death. There has been no word on any leads regarding the suspects, but we will keep you updated as the investigation continues."

A sharp intake of breath drew my attention from the TV. Alec stood in the hallway, his face white and his eyes wide. I lurched to my feet as he collapsed against the wall beside him. Before I could get to him, Alec was on his feet and sprinting for the bathroom. I rounded the corner just in time to see him vomit into the toilet. I dropped to my knees beside him and rubbed his back as he alternated between sobbing, vomiting, and dry heaving. Suddenly, he got to his feet and made a break from the bathroom, pushing me aside with his arm.

"Alec!" I shouted after him.

He ran through the house and out the front door. The rain from the day before had not yet let up, but I dared not waste any time to grab shoes or a jacket. Like Alec, I charged into the rain in only a t-shirt and sweatpants. He'd gotten faster in the past couple months, but I managed to catch up to him before he got to the end of the block. I grabbed his wrist and yanked his body back hard enough for him to crash into me. He struggled to get free as I wrapped my arms around him.

"Where are you going, Alec?" I cried over the rain.

He shoved against my chest. "I have to get away from here!"

"Why? You can't just go running off. It's not safe!"

"It's not safe for me to be around you!" Alec shouted.

My arms loosened around him. Alec broke free but he did not run away. He wiped angrily at his eyes and shrugged in on himself. Even in the rain I could see he was still crying, sobs that wracked his body.

"What do you mean?"

"I have to leave or else they might hurt you, Magnus."

"I won't let them get near you, Alec."

"They killed Jordan and Simon. They want me next. They'll kill you if you try to stand in their way. It's safer for you if I leave."

My eyes burned. "Where do you think you're going to go?"

Alec looked around. "I can— I'll find a shelter. I can stay at the park."

"You can't stay at the park!" I exclaimed. "And I'll be damned if you think you're going to stay in a shelter. You're staying with me. At home. Where you belong."

Alec flinched from my reach. "I can't—"

"God dammit, Alec! I need you! You'll hurt me if you leave, and it'll kill me if I don't know you're safe."

Alec launched himself into my arms, knocking the breath out of me. I held him tightly as he cried against my chest.

"I don't want to die, Magnus."

I stroked his soaked hair. "I will never let them hurt you, Alec."

I scooped Alec into my arms and carried him back to the house. He sobbed uncontrollably as I set him on the bed and rushed back to the front door to lock up. When I returned to his room, all I found on the bed was a darkened spot on the duvet from his wet clothes. Blinking back tears, I lowered myself to the floor and checked under the bed. There Alec was, curled in a ball. He'd made so much progress in the past months and now he was right back where he'd started, reverted back to his old habits. And all it had taken was a night of happiness and two body bags.


	12. Three Out of Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone. Well, here we are. The second last chapter. My God. It has been a journey and a half. I would like to thank everyone again for supporting me. This story has been challenging in many aspects. I couldn't have done it without you. So, this chapter. . . Where do I begin? I got angry at myself while writing it. There are some events that might make you want to throw your electronics at the wall. Please don't. They're expensive. In the story's description, I mentioned disturbing content. That pertains to this chapter and the next. I will also warn you that there are acts of a sexual nature in this chapter. For those of you who want to give up hope at the end of this chapter, I ask you to trust me. As a side note, I was listening to "Love Me Like You Do" by Ellie Goulding during a particular scene (you'll know when you read it. Cuteness in the kitchen!) It's not particularly the song I had in mind for the scene, but it made me all warm and fuzzy as I pictured the event while I listened. Please don't hate me too much after this chapter! I wish you all the best!

"Get off of me!"

I struggled into wakefulness and threw off the covers, stumbling over my own feet as I tore down the hallway to Alec's room. The lamp was still on, illuminating Alec's thrashing body with frightening clarity. He alternated between flailing his limbs and curling into a tight ball, but his body never stopped shaking. His hair was stuck to his forehead with sweat.

"Get off!" he shouted, kicking out with his legs. "It hurts!"

I hurried to the side of the bed and reached for Alec's shoulder, calling out his name. He knocked my hand away and, keeping his eyes clenched shut, rolled onto his stomach. He raised himself onto elbows and knees and began rocking forward and back. Watching him brought the acrid taste of bile to my throat. Leaning over, I tried to get a grip on him to flip him over.

Alec fought against me. "Stop! You're hurting me!"

With a curse, I climbed onto the bed and grabbed Alec's shoulders. The terror- and pain-filled scream that ripped from his throat pierced my heart, but I managed to roll him over and pin his arms to the bed. His back arched and his legs thrashed wildly.

"Alec!" I shouted. "Wake up!"

His blue eyes suddenly snapped open. I pressed more of my weight onto him as he continued to fight me, but after a moment his body went still. I released his wrists and studied him carefully. His skin was pale except for the dark splotches under his eyes. His eyes were dull and pink, betraying his exhaustion. He started to say my name, but a sob choked him halfway through. I pulled him against me as his arms wove around my neck, tight enough to steal my breath away. All I could do was rock him back and forth and whisper into his ear until morning light broke through the night sky, but not even that was enough. It never had been.

* * *

 

Alec shuffled from Clary's office with an empty expression. His eyes were vacant and his able-bodied, healing glow had been exchanged for a gaunt, slouched gloom. The receptionist watched him with sympathetic eyes as he trudged into the waiting area and sat in the chair next to me.

"Magnus," Clary waved her hand, "come on back."

Rising from my chair, I unzipped my hoodie and let it slide down my arms. Alec looked up at me when I draped the warm material across his shoulders, but he did not return my smile. Wordlessly, I turned and followed Dr. Fray into her office. She closed the door and seated herself not behind her desk, but in a chair across from me. She kicked one knee over the other and placed her notebook in her lap, her pen poised for writing.

"I'm glad you made an appointment to see me," Clary said.

I nodded, not daring to admit how desperate and relieved I'd been when she'd been able to sneak me into her schedule. It had been six days since Alec had gotten a decent night's sleep, and his appetite was non-existent. He was fading away, decomposing into a hollow shell of himself, and I was struggling to help him. I barely slept, myself. I contemplated the mass of my situation during the sleepless nights, how deep I was in over my head. Fatigue had diluted my ponderings into considerations for sending Alec away. Indeed, my deprivation had turned me selfish.

"What are you feeling right now, Magnus?"

I stared at the floor. "Powerlessness."

"Why do you feel powerless?"

"Because I don't know how to help him. He doesn't eat, he doesn't sleep. When he does doze off, he has these nightmares where he screams and fights. It's tearing me apart to see him like this."

Clary referred to her notes. "What do you believe triggered Alec's relapse?"

I met her green eyes. "The murder of Jordan Kyle and Simon Lewis."

"Were different options and extra support not offered to you following those tragic circumstances?"

"It was suggested that Alec be placed in Witness Protection. I refused."

"Why?"

"I didn't want to scare Alec further by uprooting his life and relocating him."

"Why didn't you ask for another stand-in guardian for Alec? Someone to take care of him and give you a break from time to time."

"I feel that I know Alec best. He's still very timid around strangers, and I don't want him to feel as though he's such a burden that I need a break from him. Besides, the less people we have hovering around him, the less attention we draw to ourselves."

Clary tilted her head. "Is that in reference to the abductors still at large?"

"I just want to keep him safe."

"Have you reconsidered putting him into Witness Protection?"

My answer was instant. "Absolutely not." Clary jotted something in her notebook and I narrowed my eyes. "You disagree?"

"Who are you trying to keep safe, Magnus?" When I did not answer, she said, "Let me rephrase the question. Do you think there is a part of your mind that has been corroded by your feelings for Alec?"

"You think I'm intentionally putting Alec in danger?"

"Of course not. I'm just speculating that maybe your affection for Alec has rendered your judgement impaired."

I straightened in my chair. "I don't have that kind of affection for him."

Clary set her pen down and clasped her hands in her lap, steadily holding my gaze. "Mr. Bane, my profession does not end with me listening to my clients' stories. I am a studious person. I can read the pauses between a person's words. I can decipher the twitch of a finger, the crinkle of an eye, the tap of a toe. You can sit here and deny my statement for as long as you like, but I was not named top of my class for nothing. Being an idiot is not in my job description, and even an idiot could see how you really feel about that exceptional young man."

I moved to get out of my chair. "Alec probably needs me—"

"Aline will take care of him," Clary interrupted. "I told Alec she's an avid tic-tac-toe player. He'll be fine for a little while longer." She smiled courteously when I sat back down, and asked, "Have you told anyone of your feelings for Alec?"

"No," I said.

"Why not?" Sensing my hesitation, she added, "I've sworn an oath of confidentiality, Magnus. You can tell me."

I paused before whispering, "I'm scared they'll take him away."

"Alec's abductors?"

"No. The police."

"You're afraid they'll see you as compromised and remove Alec from your custody." Clary paused in thought. "Are you worried that will damage your reputation?"

Too tired to glare, I only locked gazes with her. "Alec reminds me a lot of myself when I was younger. Have I developed feelings for him? Yes. But my intentions right now are solely to help him. I want to see him healthy and happy, even if that means him walking away from me in the end. I can't let my last memory of him be a couple of cops dragging him away to WitPro while he's still terrified and broken. I need to know that he turns out to be just fine. Because if he heals, I know I will, too."

The sharpening of the epiphany flared in Clary's eyes. "You're healing yourself through Alec."

"It was working. . . up until a few days ago."

Clary flipped through her notebook. "I see Dr. Loss prescribed Alec some sleeping pills. I'd recommend giving him adequate dosages of those. If you want to avoid medication, you'll just have to be patient. Alec will become exhausted enough that he will sleep. I would try fitting in routine naps around noon. As for his appetite, if you've already tried using his favorite foods, switch to smaller portioned meals. Nothing too extravagant. Stick to foods he can eat with his hands."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"I would advise you to admit Alec to the hospital where he can receive sustenance through tubes and IVs."

"I won't let that happen."

Clary said nothing, only watched me as I rose from my chair, made for the door, and closed it resolutely behind me.

* * *

 

"No!"

The scream resounded below me, startling me awake. Alec was no longer beside me as he had been when I'd dozed off. Rolling off the bed, I dropped to my knees and looked underneath. Alec was ensnared in another nightmare, thrashing about in the confined space. I reached my arm to try and grab him but he was too far away. When I tried to wriggle closer, my body throbbed from over-extension and the pressure of the bed digging into me.

On his back, Alec suddenly pressed his palms against the bed. The lean muscles in his arms strained as he pushed upward, as if he were trying to lift the bed off him. . . as if he were trying to push a _person_ off him. He clamped his thighs together and bent his knees, bucking, trying to shake off his unseen attacker.

Seeing no other choice, I scrambled to the foot of the bed and reached underneath. I found Alec's foot and clamped my fingers around his ankle. He screamed, kicking out and twisting in my grip. I quickened my efforts to try and pull him out so he wouldn't hurt himself in the tight enclosure. Alec flipped onto his stomach and nearly broke free, but I readjusted my grip and continued dragging him toward me.

"No no no! Don't! Please!" Alec cried. His skin squealed against the floor as he scrabbled for purchase.

Finally I pulled Alec free from under the bed. The moment I reached for him was the same moment he rolled onto his side, swinging out with his hand. His knuckles hit my jaw in a firm backhand. My head moved with the force of the blow and a pained grunt left my lips. My grip on Alec slackened, but he was no longer struggling against me. He was staring up at me, his eyes wide and bleary. He looked back and forth between me and his hand, trying to piece together what had happened.

"Magnus, did—"

"It's okay." I helped him sit up. "You were having a nightmare."

He reached for my face. "I hit you."

I leaned away from his touch and pressed my own fingers to the warm ache in my jaw. The swing had no doubt left a red mark as evidence. "No you didn't," I lied.

"Yes I did." His voice wavered. "I hurt you."

"No, Alec."

His eyes glimmered as he tentatively pressed his hand against my cheek. Clasping his wrist, I turned my face and gently kissed his palm. Alec leaned forward to rest his forehead against my chest. I tucked his head under my chin and rubbed my hand up and down his back, soothing him.

It had been difficult enough trying to get Alec to go to sleep, but now, with him thinking his nightmares endangered me, it was going to be hell.

* * *

 

The fork scraped against the bowl as I emptied the last of my salad into the garbage. Alec's untouched plate sat on the counter, the sandwich staring back at me mockingly. My phone was already blasting music from my playlist, but I turned on the tap anyway to cover the heaviness of my defeated sigh. After disposing of the sandwich, I placed the dishes in the sink. My fingers curled around the stainless steel edge and I leaned forward, closing my eyes against the burning sensation that threatened tears. I drew in breath after breath through my nose, willing the rising panic to recede back into a state of calm. Minutes passed before I finally turned off the tap. I let the music flood my ears and flow through me.

Subconsciously, I began to sway. I rolled my neck, loosening up. My bare feet began to slap against the floor in rhythm with the beat. My head followed suit, bopping and bobbing. With my eyes still closed, I moved my arms and swung my hips. The music cheered me on. I threw my head back and spun, losing myself. My shoulders rolled, lifting and dropping fluidly like waves. I threw up my arms and launched into a double turn—

I stopped short when my eyes opened and found Alec watching me. His arms were crossed, hugging himself. He glanced at my phone, still spewing music from the counter. Arms still folded, he stepped into the kitchen. Then, to my utter astonishment, he started swaying from side to side, feeling for the beat with his body. His shoulders found the tempo and he offered me a shy smile.

I extended my hands and Alec uncrossed his arms to take them. Clasping his fingers, I pushed one hand and pulled the other, twisting his body. Alec's smile broadened as I repeated the movement, pushing and pulling opposite hands every time. He laughed when I released one hand and spun him in a circle. I bumped my hip against his, laughing along with him. Then, to match the grand crescendo signalling the end of the song, I placed my hands on Alec's hips and lifted him, gazing up into his eyes as I spun us around. Alec's feet dangled in the air, his toes pointed as they waited to meet the floor again. As the final note struck, I set Alec down and pulled him against me. His hands fisted in the back of my shirt. He turned his head, angling his face so he could press his lips to mine. I breathed in the scent of him as I kissed him, breathed in the comfort that he offered. He pulled away just enough to let me rest my forehead against his.

"Alec," I whispered, "you know I care about you, right?"

"More than I deserve," he whispered back.

I kissed him again softly. "I know you've got a lot of emotions swarming you right now, but I need you to try and push them away for a minute. I want your pain to go away more than anything; I want to help you. But for me to help you, I need you to help me."

"I'll do anything."

I nodded, shaking Alec's hair. "Right now, I just need you to eat something. Anything. Please."

Alec paused. "Anything?"

I pulled back from him and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Anything."

He bit his lip, sending my heart into a flutter. "Maybe a milkshake?"

A choice that was both delicious and loaded with calories. How could I argue? I winked at him. "Coming right up. You go watch TV. I'll make it for you."

Alec smiled and made for the living room. I replayed the image of him dancing as I tucked my phone into my pocket and wandered around the kitchen, pulling all the required ingredients and utensils. As I poured the components into the blender, I paused before mixing them. Quietly, I crossed the floor and reached for the tallest cupboard. I pulled a small container of pills and stared at the label. I knew if I mixed them with Alec's drink without his permission, I would be betraying his trust. But he needed food and sleep. This would be like killing two birds with one stone. I wouldn't use enough to knock him out completely; just enough to make him drowsy. Very carefully, so as to not make much noise, I pulled a capsule from the container and dropped it into the blender. As the machine whirred loudly, I replaced the container in the cupboard. I pushed away the feeling of being a devious and wretched snake as I poured the milkshake into a glass.

Alec was curled up on the sofa watching cartoons. He scooted over when I appeared, offering me a seat. I handed him the glass and sat next to him, watching from the corner of my eye as he took a tiny sip.

He smiled. "Thank you. It's really good."

I smiled back and reclined into the sofa. He did not guzzle the drink as I had hoped, but he did drink from the glass steadily until none of the chocolate milkshake remained. I took Alec's glass from him, set it aside, and lifted my arm in invitation. Alec nuzzled against my side and I wrapped my arm around his shoulders. He yawned as he watched the TV. Gradually his breathing began to slow, and when I looked over at him ten minutes later, I saw his eyes closed and his face relaxed in slumber. Exhaling a relieved breath, I switched the TV off and gathered Alec into my arms. Cradling him against my chest, I carried him to his room and tucked him into bed. I brushed the hair from his forehead and placed a feather-light kiss against the corner of his eye.

The walk from Alec's room to my bedroom seemed to take ages, though it was only a few steps away. I collapsed face first onto the bed, but I was asleep before I could even feel the softness of my pillow.

* * *

 

For an alarming moment I thought Alec had woken me by screaming, trapped in a horrific dream. But as I shed my drowsy confusion, I realized it was not Alec who had made noise. It was my cell phone, ringing loudly from my pocket. Groaning, I pulled the device out and glanced at the display. The number was unfamiliar. I debated letting the call go to voicemail, but at two in the morning, it could have been an emergency.

"Hello?" I answered groggily.

"Magnus? It's Santiago."

"San Diego?" I slurred, rubbing my eye.

" _Santiago_ ," the voice repeated. "Raphael Santiago."

The fog in my head cleared at the mention of my colleague's name. "Hey, Raph. What's up?"

"Sorry to wake you, but I need you to come down to the station."

I frowned. "Now? Why?"

"There's someone here who wants to talk about the Alexander Lightwood case."

I sat up, clenching my fingers around the phone. "Do you have a name?"

"No. He said it was urgent, and that he specifically wanted to talk to you," Raphael explained.

I threw off the covers. "Tell him to stay put. I'm on my way." In a rush, I yanked on a pair of mismatched socks and slid into my hoodie. I padded down the hallway to Alec's room. When I peeked inside, I could see the steady rise and fall of Alec's chest. I hadn't woken him. Church was curled on the pillow next to Alec's head, glaring at me. I wondered if I should wake Alec and take him with me, but if he was still under the drug's lull, it would take a while before he was coherent enough to follow instructions. And Raphael had said it was urgent. Besides, I hated to take any desperately needed sleep away from Alec. He had his cell phone if he needed me.

Quietly, I continued down the hall and slipped on my shoes. I grabbed my car keys and left the house, checking to make sure the door was locked before I made for the car. The cool air bit at my skin, but I barely felt it with the adrenaline gushing through my veins. I slid into the driver's seat and pulled the door shut as soundlessly as possible. Then I started the engine and reversed out of the driveway. There was barely any traffic as I sped for the station. In fact, I only recalled one pair of headlights passing me. My parking job was cringe worthy as I pulled into the station's lot and rushed inside.

The station seemed colder and more eerie than usual. There were no officers in sight, and the blinds in the dispatcher's office had been shut. There were minimal lights on; only one of the desk lamps was shining. I looked around, searching for Raphael. My feet carried me toward the back of the building. I passed my desk on the way and set down my phone and car keys. There was a light on at the end of a small hallway. The break room. I approached cautiously, half expecting someone to leap out and attack me. When I peered inside the room, I found Raphael preparing a pot of coffee. He turned and smiled at me as if he had been expecting me to show up at that exact moment.

"Morning, Bane!" he said enthusiastically.

"Um. . ." I looked into the room but it was empty aside from Santiago. "There's someone looking for me?"

"Oh yeah." Raphael placed a new coffee filter in the machine. "I put him in Interview Room Two."

I nodded. "Thanks."

The Interview Rooms were down another hallway at the rear of the building. My mind whirled as I pondered who was waiting to speak to me. Did this person hold the information to break the case and put two molesters and murders behind bars? I took a moment to steady myself as I grasped the knob to Room Two, then I threw the door open.

Two empty chairs and a table greeted me. My brow furrowed in confusion. I checked behind the door, but the room was free of any people. I left the door ajar and made for Room One, wondering if Raphael had mixed up the room numbers by accident. But Room One was also empty. A weird sensation billowed in my stomach, much like the weightless feeling of freefalling.

I made my way back to the break room. Raphael looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

"The guy isn't in One or Two."

"I told him to stay put," Raphael said. "Maybe he went to the bathroom?"

I nodded and set off in that direction. The bathrooms were located in an adjoining hallway near the Interview Rooms. They were easy enough to find, and it made sense for someone to wander away in search of them. When I reached the two rooms, I knocked on the women's door first and tried the knob. As I suspected, it turned freely and opened to a dark room. I moved to the men's door. I knocked but when I tried the knob, it stopped short. Locked. I crouched down and saw light under the door. Bingo. Not wanting to disturb him, I retreated down the hallway and leaned against the wall to wait for him.

* * *

 

_**Alec** _

Something was pulling on my hair. I made a flicking motion with my wrist, trying to shoo the disturbance away. Still, it persisted. I willed myself to wake up and investigate. My eyes were slower than usual. Heavier, too. My mouth was dry and there was a funny taste on my tongue. I wet my lips and struggled onto my elbow.

Church climbed over my shoulder, his claws digging into my skin. He pounced on the mattress in front of me and stared into my eyes. His fur was weird. Standing up on end. When I reached to pet him, he turned to the open doorway and hissed, his hackles rising.

That was when I heard it. Strange noises coming from the back door. The locked knob jiggling. Soft thumping. Something clacking in the keyhole.

Panic clenched in my chest, the same panic that made it hard to breathe. I threw the covers off and lurched out of bed. My hand whipped out to steady myself against an unexpected wave of dizziness. My legs were wobbly and my steps were clumsy as I rushed down the hall to Magnus's room. When I flicked on the light, I nearly cried out to see his bed empty.

The noises from the back door were getting louder, so I bolted back to my room. I snatched my phone from the bedside table, scooped Church into my arms, and crawled under the bed. Church stayed by my side as I let him go to dial Magnus's number. My heart pounded against my chest faster and harder with every ring that passed. A voice filled my ear, requesting me to leave a message, but it was not Magnus's. I hung up and dialed again, with the same result.

My breath hitched in my throat when something in the back door clicked. I heard the knob turn and the door open. Church let out a barely audible growl. With shaking fingers, I found the voice memo app and started recording. Then I set the phone on the floor and pressed my hands over my mouth, holding in the screams.

Footsteps entered the house. I heard them in the kitchen, then in the living room. They were getting closer.

"You sure he's here?"

That voice. . .

I bit down hard on my palm to keep from making any noise. I knew that voice. I would never forget that voice. I'd spent fifteen years at the mercy of that voice.

"Positive," another voice answered, this one deeper.

Blood filled my mouth as I clenched my teeth on my skin. He was here. They both were. The men who had abducted me, who had defiled me. . . They were here. They were going to take me again, and there was no one here to stop them.

The footsteps started down the hall.

"Alexander, where are you?" the first voice called in a bone-chilling song.

Church fidgeted next to me as two pairs of boots appeared at the foot of the bed. I held my breath. One pair strolled to the side of the bed while the other remained in place. I watched the movement. Heel, toe. Heel, toe. Heel, toe. Heel, toe. He stopped. The four of us waited in complete silence. The boots shifted and a knee came into view, followed by a hand, then half of a face—

Church yowled and threw himself at the edge of the bed, his claws and fangs bared. The man yelled and jumped away from the bed, cursing loudly. Church scrabbled back toward me, hissing threateningly.

All of a sudden, something wrapped around my ankle. I looked down and saw a hand gripping me. Peering under the bed was a face I'd hoped I would never see again.

"No!" I cried, searching frantically for something, anything, to grab onto as I was yanked out from under the bed. I kicked savagely with my legs, desperate to break free.

My struggle was met with laughing. "My, my, Alexander. You've become quite the fighter."

To my dismay, I was pulled out completely from the safety of the bed's underbelly. I now found myself staring up into the eyes of my abductors. The older one, the one with the deeper voice, was the one holding onto me. I felt like I was going to be sick when he touched the side of my face and snaked his fingers into my hair. He tugged on the strands to the point of pain.

The younger man turned his scratched face away. "Where's that cat of yours, Alexander? We need to have a little chat."

I wrestled against my captor's hold. "No! Leave him alone!"

The older man growled. The sound was guttural. Sexual, not displeased. "Bossy _and_ a fighter. I can't wait to have some fun with you, Alexander."

I tried to wrench free. "Don't touch me!"

With his free hand, the man grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them down. He yanked on my hair, forcing my head back and exposing my throat. I whimpered, disgusted and helpless, as he drew his tongue up the side of my neck, nipped at my jawbone, and brought his lips to my ear.

"I've missed you," he moaned, as if I hadn't even spoken. Still holding my hair, he released my wrists and pulled me into a sitting position. He turned to his partner and held out his hand. "Bottle."

The younger man reached into the back of his pants and pulled out a water bottle. He tossed it to the older man and returned to watching for the cat. The man holding me popped the cap and forced the bottle into my mouth. I squirmed, shaking my head from side to side viciously. Angry, he pulled the bottle away and pulled harder on my hair. I spat the water onto the floor, coughing the rest up. I knew what was in the water. It had that same funny taste from fifteen years ago.

"Kill the cat," the older man ordered.

"No!" I cried. "Leave him alone! Please! I'll do what you want!"

"Drink the water and your kitty lives," he snarled.

Before I could reply, the bottle was shoved back into my mouth. Liquid rushed down my throat. I choked and gagged, but swallowed more than I'd intended to. Already I could feel a buzz in my head. My fingers and toes felt weak. . . somehow fuzzy.

"That's my boy. God, Alexander. . ." The man's fingers skimmed up my thigh and he cupped his hand between my legs.

I could feel my eyelids growing heavy again. With my last feeble amount of strength, I pushed the man's hand away. He laughed and lifted me in his arms. There was a loud yowl and a blur of fur shot out from under the bed, escaping further into the house.

"I'll take him out to the car." He readjusted me and began carrying me through the house. "Come on, Alexander. Let's take you home."

"What do you want me to do?" the younger man called.

"Leave a nice message for our friend Magnus."

I remained conscious long enough to hear the younger man chuckle, followed by him calling out, "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."

* * *

 

_**Magnus** _

Santiago joined me at my side, holding his own steaming cup of coffee. "Still hasn't come out yet, huh?"

I exhaled, letting my cheeks puff out. "Nope."

"He's been in there a long time," he observed, taking a loud slurp of his beverage.

"Fifteen minutes at least."

"Nervous bladder? Or maybe his nerves had a laxative effect."

I grimaced. "You're disgusting."

He shrugged. "Just making conversation."

We were quiet for a few more minutes, aside from Santiago's sipping. Bored, I asked him, "So what did this guy look like?"

"Younger guy, maybe your age. His eyes freaked me out. Darkest things I've ever seen, like two black holes, waiting to swallow life whole. White blonde hair."

I tensed. "What did you say?"

"White blonde hair."

My heart dropped, taking my stomach with it. I charged down the hallway, ignoring Santiago's outburst of confusion. Positioning myself carefully in front of the men's bathroom door, I kicked out hard with my leg. It took a couple attempts but the door finally burst open. I stumbled inside. The bathroom was empty.

"Son of a bitch," I muttered under my breath.

Santiago followed me as I raced to the dispatch office. I flung the door open, surprising the woman sitting at the desk. She gaped at me, her phone pressed to her ear. I scanned the office, but she was alone. Raphael bumped into me from behind. I whirled around and grabbed the front of his uniform.

"This guy, what did he say to you? What were his exact words?"

"He came into the station and said, 'I'd like to speak with Magnus Bane regarding the Alexander Lightwood case.' I took him to Interview Room Two and called you. The guy asked me for a cup of coffee, and I told him to stay put while I went and got it. Then you showed up."

I released Santiago and stumbled back a step. I'd been called forth from my home at two in the morning to speak to someone about a case that I had a crucial role in. Upon my arrival, I'd found an empty Interview Room and a bathroom, locked with the light on. There were no windows in the bathroom, which meant this guy had left the light on, locked the door, and closed it behind him on his way out on purpose. As a diversion. To make us think that he was in there.

I remembered the vehicle I'd seen on my drive to the station. It was the only one on the road, and it was speeding in the direction I'd been coming from.

My legs wobbled as the next thought crossed my mind: There was only blonde I could think of who would know anything about the Alexander Lightwood case. The same blonde from Alec's picture. The same blonde who had allegedly lured him from the grocery store. The same blonde who had made him drink drugged water. The same blonde we believed to be one of the abductors.

"Fuck!" I shouted, shoving Santiago out of the way with my arm as I darted for my desk. I snatched up my phone and keys and raced out to the car. My phone flared to life and I saw the two missed calls from Alec. "Fuck fuck fuck!"

I dropped into the seat and, not bothering to put on my seatbelt, started the engine and tore out of the parking lot. I sped through the streets, gunning past twice the legal speed limit. Further breaking the law, I dialed Alec's number and pressed the phone to my ear as I drove. It rang. And rang. And rang. When the voicemail picked up, I immediately redialed.

"Come on, come on," I whispered. "Please pick up."

Alec's voicemail answered me again. Instead of redialing, I pushed down even more on the gas pedal. The tires squealed as I ripped around corners and finally braked in my driveway. The only light I could see inside the house was Alec's lamp, the same as it had been when I'd left. I wished I'd had the sense to grab my gun before I'd left, but it was too late now. I was going into that house armed or unarmed.

The front door was locked when I reached it, just like I'd left it. I decided to go around to the back to check for intruders. I reached the yard unchallenged, but my hope faltered when I found the back door unlocked. Not how I'd left it. I opened the door and stepped inside cautiously. It was dim in the house, but I continued sure-footedly. There was nothing out of the ordinary in the kitchen, so I continued for the hallway that led to Alec's room. On the floor near the doorway I saw small splashes of clear liquid. I peered inside the room and found the bed empty.

"Alec?" I called.

No response. I moved into the room and dropped down next to the bed. My stomach flipped when there was no sign of Alec, but there was something else. I had to slide my legs under the bed to kick the small object out where I could grab it. Crawling on all fours, I hurried over to the device. It was Alec's cell phone, and it was paused on a voice memo. I quickly saved it and rose to my feet. My call had interrupted the recording, and I hoped I hadn't cut out any vital information. When the memo was saved, I pressed the phone to my ear to listen to it as I made my way into the living room for clues.

I flipped on the light switch and came to an abrupt halt. The phone almost slipped from my numb fingers. I let my arm drop as I stared at the oversized message smeared on my wall:

_Three out of three._

The words were written in dark red blood. I assumed it was Alec's. . . until my eyes fell on the sofa below the message. There, on the plush, blood-soaked material, was Church's decapitated body.

* * *

 

_**Alec** _

I groaned. My head was pounding, a merciless throb right behind my eyes. When I tried to move my arms, I found them unable to budge. There was a pressure at my wrists, a weight pushing down on them. My eyelids felt sticky when I opened them. Blurs of color slowly came into focus. Before I could make sense of them, I felt a mouth descend on my lips. A tongue shoved past my teeth, sucking greedily. I tried to turn my head away because it was hard to breathe.

Teeth bit down on my lip and my vision sharpened. The man hovering over me was not Magnus as I hoped. The moment I recognized him, I began to struggle beneath him. That was when I noticed some of my clothes had been stripped away. My shirt was gone. I still had my sweatpants, but I could feel that I was naked beneath them.

"Alexander," the man moaned, his voice rough like sandpaper.

I did not see the younger man lurking nearby. Had he wandered off? Maybe if I fought hard enough, I'd be able to escape.

The man started tracing the curve of my ear with his tongue. With the hand not pinning my wrists, he started to tease my nipple. I squirmed below him, trying to evade his touch. I knew that he was capable of manipulating my body. He'd nearly convinced me all those years ago that I did enjoy what he did to me because of how I reacted. But that wasn't true. My body responded to the pleasure. Sometimes I couldn't help it. My mind always screamed no, even when my body said yes.

The man's hand slid from my chest to the waistband of my pants. I twisted away when he tried to get his fingers underneath. I could not tell if that angered or excited him. He suddenly rolled me over, still pinning my wrists above my head. When he started to push my sweats down to my knees, I started to fight against him. I thrashed and screamed and kicked and bucked. But he was too heavy to shake off, and I could feel myself weakening in only minutes.

I heard his zipper and felt his knees nudge my legs apart. An agonized cry ripped from my throat as he thrust into me. White hot pain scalded me as he buried himself all the way. I felt liquid running down the insides of my thighs, but I couldn't tell if it was blood or something else. He began ramming into me, using enough force to shift me forward, scraping my wrists bloody against the floor. The pressure forced a grunt from me every time he pushed in, and the noises made me sick to my stomach. I closed my eyes against the excruciating pain.

My lips began moving on their own, forming words every time he thrust into me. Not words. Numbers. I repeated the sequence over and over, timing each number for each thrust. Slowly, the pain began to ebb.

"Seven. Seven. Two. Nine. Three. Seven. Five. Eight. One. One."

Magnus's phone number. I pictured his face as I whispered the numbers, pictured his smile and his laugh when I'd taken pictures of him with my phone. I felt the warmth of his forehead pressed against mine in the rain. I visualized him dancing in the kitchen when he hadn't known I'd been watching him. I remembered him sitting on the swing set with me. I sensed the softness of the scarf he had given me. I heard his voice telling me it was going to be all right.

The man mistook the relaxation of my body for pleasure and submission, and began to drive his hips against me harder and faster. New bursts of pain attacked me, but I pushed them out of my mind and thought of Magnus, all the while reiterating his phone number in a whisper.

I knew Magnus was going to find me. He'd promised to take care of me. He was going to help me, but I needed to help him, too. I just had to stay alive and bear the pain.

The man finished with a loud cry, stiffening against me. I let my head drop and tried to catch my breath. But he was not through with me yet. He flipped me onto my back again and entered me for the second time. I flinched and closed my eyes.

_Hurry, Magnus. Please hurry._


	13. Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, all! This is the big moment!...And by big I mean monstrous. And by monstrous I mean a whopping 26 pages long on Word. Sorry for the length! I hope I wrapped everything up. If I missed something, I apologize. But hey, I'm only human. Anyway, thank you for making loyal returns to read this story. And thank you all for supporting me when I needed it most. Sorry for the emotional turmoil this chapter is bound to cause. Happy reading! Love you all!

_**Alec** _

"Come on, Alexander."

I struggled against the hands holding me down. Two, belonging to the younger man, were pinning my wrists to the floor. The older man had one hand on my hip, gripping me in place as he thrust into me. His other hand was wrapped around my genitals, pumping. Though I willed myself to resist, willed my mind to restrain my body, I could shamefully feel my growing arousal. He was holding himself back this time, using a slow rhythm to reduce the pain and lure my body toward orgasm. Degradingly, the manipulation was working. The falsified pleasure was building. I turned my head away and closed my eyes, sobbing quietly. I bit down on my lip, refusing to make a sound as my body climaxed. The man came shortly after, stiffening and releasing inside me. They let me go and I curled onto my side, naked and humiliated.

"You never fail to please me, Alexander," the older man whispered. I felt his fingers trail from my shoulder down to the small of my back. The gesture was gentle, almost sensual, and I flinched away from him.

"My turn?" the younger man asked.

"Have fun," was the response.

Rough hands pushed me onto my stomach. My hips were yanked upward and my wrists were brought around to be twisted behind my back. I cringed as my already bloody skin was pinched and wrenched some more. Even though I braced myself, the sudden onslaught of pain as he slammed into me was indescribable and unforgiving. I cried out, which only encouraged him. He began thrusting, pushing my chest to the floor or lifting my hips when I moved out of position.

I endured the raw, relentless pain, but I did not know how much longer I could take. These men had a hunger that was insatiable and an energy that was unwavering, and Magnus had not yet come to save me.

* * *

 

_**Magnus** _

Minutes passed like hours. Minutes where I couldn't move, couldn't rip my eyes from the massacre on the couch or the sickening vandalism on the wall. They had Alec. They killed Church and they took Alec. I knew I should call for backup and start searching the city, but I was frozen in shock and guilt. Because I had let this happen. I'd promised Alec I would protect him, and I'd failed. I did not know where he was, but I knew he was suffering.

_You have to find him,_ I told myself.

But where to start looking? The criminals had jumped between states undetected. Hell, they'd even kidnapped all their victims a second time without attracting attention to themselves.

Until now.

The phone in my hand grew heavier. I lifted it and stared at the screen. The recording had stopped playing while I'd let the phone drop to my side. A heaviness sat in my chest as I contemplated the criticalness of this piece of evidence. The last hope I had of finding Alec alive literally fit in the palm of my hand. With a shaky breath, I pressed the play button and held the phone to my ear.

At first I heard nothing, but when I strained my ears I picked up faint thumps in the background. Footsteps? They steadily grew louder, approaching.

Then, a voice, one I did not recognize, "You sure he's here?"

It was quiet for a moment until a different voice answered, "Positive."

My blood chilled. I couldn't be positive, but that voice. . . I shook my head. I had to be mistaken. It couldn't be. . .

More footsteps, louder now, and then, "Alexander, where are you?"

Shoes against the floor, unmistakeable now, thumped in the phone's speaker. There were a couple quiet, confusing noises before a screech filled my ear, startling me. Hissing followed quickly.

_Church._

Next I heard Alec's voice: "No!" Audible banging and thumping indicated a struggle. I visualized Alec being dragged out from under the bed and brought my hand to my mouth to stifle my ragged breaths so I could continue to listen.

"My, my, Alexander. You've become quite the fighter."

My hand trembled, distorting the sound. I crossed the border of uncertainty and entered denial. I knew that voice, but the man it belonged to was alien to me. The man I knew would never hurt a child, or even another human being for that matter.

The younger strange voice: "Where's that cat of yours, Alexander? We need to have a little chat."

Alec again: "No! Leave him alone!"

A growl resounded in my ear. I recognized it. Ragnor had made that same noise the first (and last) time we had had sex. "Bossy _and_ a fighter. I can't wait to have some fun with you, Alexander."

"Don't touch me!" Alec shouted, which was followed by wrestling and whimpering.

"I've missed you," the familiar voice went on. I fought the urge to double over and vomit. "Bottle."

I stiffened, fearing the bottle was referring to lubricant and I was about to hear Alec being sexually assaulted. But next I heard more scuffling and choking noises, mixed in with the splatter of liquid on the floor.

The familiar voice: "Kill the cat."

Alec: "No! Leave him alone! Please! I'll do what you want!"

"Drink the water and your kitty lives." More gagging and coughing. "That's my boy. God, Alexander. . ."

My fingers tightened around the phone. I seethed as I pictured filthy hands groping Alec's body. A yowl and paws scurrying across the floor snapped me out of my fury, but the familiar voice interrupted before I could think much of it. "I'll take him out to the car. Come on, Alexander. Let's take you home."

"What do you want me to do?" the unfamiliar voice asked.

"Leave a nice message for our friend Magnus."

A shiver crawled up my spine as a sing-song voice called out. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty." A door banged open and shut. There was nothing but silence for a while before a cat's hissing and spitting rang in my ears. A man's voice grunted and swore several times over. Suddenly Church howled, screaming his pain into my ear. But just as quickly as it had started, the howling stopped, cut off by a stomach-turning choking noise. More footsteps. Next there was a rhythmic thudding and sliding that I guessed to be the man's fingers writing on the wall. Finally, the man spat, "Enjoy the mess, fucker," and walked out of the house, closing the door behind him. I waited patiently for anything more, but there was only a large gap of silence before the recording was cut short.

My initial reaction was to lower myself to the floor, curl into a ball, and pray that this was all a nightmare. But there was no time for guilt. Or self-pity. Or fright. Instead, I pocketed my phone and stormed down the hall to my bedroom. There I found my gun and tucked it into the back of my jeans. From there I bolted out to my car, threw the vehicle into reverse, and tore off down the road. I didn't have much to go on, but I had a location to start my search: One of the men had said he was going to take Alec home. Currently I was speeding toward the house the three boys had been found. It was a rookie mistake, an offender returning to an area where he or she had committed earlier crimes. But the two abductors were smart; they'd kept their identities hidden for over fifteen years. Wasn't it plausible to think the abductors knew we would not expect them to make such a mistake? It was a long shot, but I was stumbling blind in the dark. Even the tiniest flicker of light was a flicker of hope. I had no choice but to follow it.

Like the rest of the houses on the block, the home of interest was dark and still. Parking in front of the property, I approached the house with my hand resting on my gun. The crime scene tape had been removed long ago, but there was still postage alerting passersby that the property had been foreclosed and seized. Unfazed, I tried the door. It was locked, but after a little aggressive persuasion, it allowed me to pass through.

I stepped silently and cautiously through the house, flicking on lights as I went. What little furniture there had been in each room had been removed, stockpiled and tested for traces of evidence. Even the basement had been cleared of the ragged mattress, towers of duct tape, and bottles of lubricant. It seemed more haunting empty, as if the ghosts of the boys and inanimate objects remained. I realized they did; those ghosts haunted my memories.

My search continued up to the room where I'd found Alec, but there was no trace of anyone setting foot in the house recently. Frustrated, I kicked at one of the walls. My forehead made a loud _thunk_ as I let it fall against the wall's surface.

What was I supposed to do now? I suspected the abductors hadn't spent too much time in one place in the months after the boys had been rescued, definitely not following the murders of Jordan and Simon. That meant they could have established a number of safe houses.

Unless. . .

I turned abruptly and began making my way back to the car, not bothering with turning off the lights. My last guess had been a long shot, but this one spanned farther than a million football fields. The odds weren't just against me, they were sticking up their noses and pointing and laughing at me. But there was the slightest possibility that the voice in the recording hadn't been talking about his home. He was talking about _Alec's_ home, the unsold, practically abandoned, mansion on the outskirts of the city. No neighbors were near enough to notice any suspicious activity, and, even more disturbingly, the house was within a distance that the abductors could quickly make without having to pull over to sate their urges.

The car's engine thundered under the hood as I slammed my foot on the gas pedal. I could shave fifteen minutes off the half hour drive if I drove fast enough. If I pushed my luck further, I could make the drive in ten.

Luck, indeed, was on my side and I managed to make the trip in record time. I parked the car on the side of the road without turning into the long driveway. The last thing I needed was to alert anyone of my presence with the tires crunching over the gravel. Of course, I wasn't entirely sure there was _anyone_ to alert inside the house, but I wasn't going to take any chances. Pulling my gun, I raced up the driveway, keeping to the shadows. An unfamiliar car was parked out front. I slowed as I drew nearer to the building. A gush of adrenaline sent my heart into a flutter when an interior light blazed to life. Ducking low, I watched for any signs of movement, but there was only stillness inside.

My fingers were oddly steady as I reached into my pocket and withdrew my phone. I scrolled through my contacts until I found Luke's name. My eyes remained on the window as I made the call and pressed the phone to my ear.

"Hello?" Luke answered groggily.

"Luke, it's Magnus. Listen very carefully: I need you to get to the Lightwood house right now. Bring backup with you."

My partner's voice was now alert. "What's going on? Why are you whispering?"

"They have Alec, and they're inside the Lightwood house. I'm there now and I'm going inside."

"Magnus, don't you _dare_ set foot inside the house. Wait until—"

Interrupting Luke, I whispered off the address and hung up, switching my phone to vibrate. In an awkward crouch-run, I made my way up to the front door. I held my breath as I reached out and tried the doorknob. It turned freely and silently. With one last inhale and exhale, I pushed the door open a fraction and peered inside. Upon seeing no one, I pushed the door open further and set one foot inside the house. My gun was steady in my hand as I craned my neck to peer behind the door. No one waited for me on the other side.

The foyer was huge, the design simple yet sophisticated. A living room opened off to my left, which was the source of light in the window. Someone had flicked on a nearby light switch. I wondered if someone from Wolf Reality had gone out of his or her way to decorate and furnish the place in order to attract buyers, or if these possessions had belonged to the Lightwoods and someone had made an attempt to polish and dust the tragedies of the household away.

A voice drew my attention to the hallway ahead of me. There were two staircases on the right; one led up and the other went down. The upstairs appeared to be dark, but I could see a faint light from the other set. Switching the safety off on my gun, I proceeded forward. My feet and the stairs were silent as I began my descent. Every so often I cast I glance over my shoulder, but no one followed. At the base of the stairs, I turned to my right. There, at the end of a small hallway, was a tall man with his back to me. He was muscular and broad-shouldered, with short blonde hair. The strands were slicked back but messy, as if he'd been running his hands through them frequently.

I took a step forward and called out, "Turn around slowly and put your hands behind your head."

The man tensed, his shoulders tightening. He turned slowly but did not raise his hands. There was no hint of surprise on his face, only a cocky grin. "Magnus Bane," he said calmly.

"Valen Morgenstern," I said, my lip curling.

Valen chuckled. "Surprised to see me?"

Silence hovered thickly between us. In truth, I _was_ surprised to see him. Disappointed, even. I never suspected him. We'd worked together. He'd even shown up at the hospital when Alec had been admitted. Of course, that was a sickening thought now that I'd found him here. He was the crime cliché: The person you least suspect.

"I didn't expect you to find us so quickly," Valen went on.

"Shut up," I snapped. "Where's Alec?"

Valen clasped his hands behind his back and looked pointedly at the wall at the end of the hall, the one hidden from my sight. Guardedly, I moved forward. Valen remained in place as I approached, but I kept my gun trained on him anyway. Carefully, I stepped out of the hallway and into the open space of the basement.

Hidden behind the wall was Alec and a young man I did not recognize. His hair, though a lighter shade, resembled Valen's. His dark eyes, matching Valen's as well, were less warm and more empty, like a starless and moonless night sky. The stranger held Alec tightly, one hand over Alec's mouth while the other held a knife to Alec's throat.

I moved my eyes to meet Alec's. His were wide and pleading. The exhaustion from his sleepless nights still remained, but there was something underlying the pale and ill-looking skin. Terror? Humiliation? He was clad only in a pair of loose sweatpants, but I could see his knees shaking. There were marks and faint discolorations across his torso, but what I noticed most were the finger-shaped patterns of bruises on his wrists and hips.

I aimed my gun at the stranger. He moved, hiding more of himself behind Alec. He was slightly taller and more muscular than Alec, but I couldn't get a clear shot of him. I wouldn't put a bullet through Alec just to take the son of a bitch down.

"Magnus, why don't you give me the gun?" Through the corner of my eye I saw Valen extend his hand, palm upturned. "None of us want Alec to get hurt."

My gun remained trained on the kid holding Alec. The one visible dark eye narrowed and he shifted the knife against Alec's throat. Alec sucked in a pained, panicked breath through his nose, and a thin stream of blood snaked down the side of his neck. My focus wavered for a fraction of a second, but that was all Valen needed to reach forward and snatch the gun from my hands. He studied the weapon curiously before casting it aside. The gun made loud clunking noises as it bounced against the floor.

"That's better," Valen said. "Now we can all relax a little."

"Let Alec go and I'll give you a head start in getting away," I offered.

Valen grinned. "Magnus, have you forgotten that I'm an officer of the law, too? I know you wouldn't have set foot inside this house without calling for backup. It's too late to run now."

"Then you know it'll be better for you if you let Alec and I go, unharmed, and turn yourself in. Tell him—" I broke off as I turned to the nameless guy holding Alec, ransacking my brain for a name I did not know.

"I'm sorry! Where are my manners? Magnus, I'd like you to meet my son. Nathan, allow me to introduce Magnus Bane."

Nathan shifted to peer over Alec's shoulder. His lips stretched into a vile smirk. "So this is the infamous Magnus Bane."

"I've told Nathan so much about you," Valen raved.

"I didn't know you had a son," I said, my eyes locked with Nathan's.

"No one knew about little Jonathan Christopher. I worked very hard to keep him a secret."

"So you could rape him, too?"

Valen's lip twitched. "I would never do that to my own child. I'm not a monster."

I couldn't help it. I laughed. "You wouldn't dream of raping your own child, just someone else's."

"I showed nothing but love and affection towards those boys, especially Alec."

"You brutalized them! You kidnapped them, beat them, starved them, tortured them, and molested them. You're a monstrous son of a bitch."

Valen smiled again, aggravating my rage like poking a stick at a rattlesnake. "You sound just like Nathan's mother."

"Where is _she_?" I asked, stalling.

"She ran off after Nathan was born. That woman was a drug-addicted whore. She knew about my. . . temptations. . . but I gave her enough money to keep happiness in her veins for years. I told everyone at the precinct that she and the baby died. Tragic medical circumstances. No one missed her."

"So why keep your son a secret and not your wife?"

"I never cared about that woman. She was a convenience to keep up appearances," Valen grumbled. "But Nathan. . . I wanted to watch him grow. He had such a young and beautiful body. I wondered if I could shape him, make him into a mould of me. As fate would have it, there was not much shaping to be had. Nathan was born just like me. My urges were his urges, my impulses were his impulses. We shared a common interest, one we could bond over. But no one would understand our interests, and I was not going to subject my child to ridicule."

"Do you realize how twisted that sounds?" I questioned.

Valen looked pointedly at his son. "See, Nathan? No one understands."

Nathan nuzzled his cheek against Alec's hair. "I pity the narrow-minded."

I pushed down my anger and asked Nathan, "It was you who lured Alec from the grocery store?"

"He was predictably easy to sway. All little boys like police cars, what with the flashing lights and cool sirens."

I thought back to the pictures Alec had drawn, the ones filled with red and blue. I'd thought when he'd mentioned seeing the lights that he'd been remembering the flashing lights reflecting on the floor the night I had rescued him. But his face had been buried in my neck. The lights he'd been seeing were the ones that lured him into Valen's hands when Alec was four years old.

"Rather ingenious, isn't it?" Valen boasted. "Parents warn their children of strangers, but not even a child would think twice about trusting another child or a police officer."

"And police cars sure come in handy when trying to get past road blocks. Put the kid to sleep, put him in the trunk with me, and let dad cruise through traffic blockades and inspections without a second glance. We were invisible in the midst of dozens of eyes," Nathan added.

"Being a police officer does have its perks," Valen agreed. "I had access to the drugs I needed, and if they weren't locked up in evidence, I knew which thugs to contact to get some. It was a shame when little Simon slipped free of his gag and got the three of them rescued. Still, I always had access to the case files. I was aware of all updates and leads, I knew whose custody the boys were in after they were released from the hospital, I knew who the suspects were. I imagine the DNA you found was inconclusive, not matching any criminals or suspects?"

"But we were never looking for a criminal," I finished.

"No. You were looking for a wolf amongst the other wolves."

"It doesn't matter," I declared. "You're a hyena amongst the wolves now. You'll be exposed as a criminal. We have more than enough evidence to convict you, and you two will be incarcerated for life. I hope you know what inmates do to pedophiles in prison."

Valen cocked his head. "Convict us?"

"You messed up. The evidence you left at my house will be used against you. You won't get away."

To my shock, both Valen and Nathan began to laugh. Their guffaws went on and on, shaking me to the bone. I began to feel uneasy. Where the hell was Luke?

"Magnus Bane," Valen chuckled, theatrically wiping a tear from his eye, "I thought you were smarter than this."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded.

"Think about it," Valen pressed. "We went about undetected for fifteen years, more than fifteen years, actually, since none of you had any clue who was behind this. We were meticulous about remaining in the wind. There wasn't an eighth of a fingerprint that would lead you in our direction. You really think we would throw all our hard work away in a single night? I'm offended that you think we'd be that sloppy."

My mind circled his words so quickly it made me dizzy. "You left evidence on purpose. You wanted to be found."

Valen pointed his finger. "Bingo. The plan was to snatch Alec, come back here for a little fun, then turn out the lights."

"You were going to kill Alec, then kill yourselves," I clarified.

"You want to know the best part?" Nathan piped up. "Dad and I will never die."

I narrowed my eyes. "What are you talking about?"

Valen spread his arms wide. "Nathan and I will live forever. The memories of Alexander Lightwood, Jordan Kyle, and Simon Lewis will fade as quickly as the color of the skin on their dead bodies. The names Valen and Nathan Morgenstern will carry through the centuries, because that's how it works, doesn't it? The victims are forgotten and the perpetrators are remembered. My name and my son's name will be used in case studies, in memoirs, in movies. We will live forever."

Alec was sobbing into Nathan's hand. Valen intended to kill him, but I wasn't going to let that happen. "I've heard enough," I snapped.

Valen nodded, as if he agreed with me. "Sadly, I'm afraid you will meet the same fate, Magnus. You will be forgotten."

"I have no intention of being mourned tonight."

Valen nodded at his son. Nathan pulled his hand from Alec's mouth and began wrestling him to the floor. Alec screamed my name. Distracted, I barely braced myself in time for Valen's hard body slamming into me. We grappled each other, both of us trying to get the upper hand. Valen and I were matched in technique for fighting off attackers, but his stature and frame gave him the advantage. He tried to twist my arm behind my back but I slipped free and managed to catch with chin with my elbow. His teeth made a clacking sound and a trickle of blood leaked from the corner of his mouth. Angry, he knocked my arms aside and wrapped his hand around my throat, lifting me from the ground. A well-aimed kick to his shin and a slam of my forearm against the inside of his elbow were all that saved me.

I had a few seconds for a respite as Valen hopped on his uninjured leg. The gun was several feet away. I knew the only way Alec and I were getting out alive was if I killed Valen and Nathan.

_Kill them. Kill them. Kill them,_ my mind chanted.

I turned and dove for the gun.

* * *

 

 

_**Alec** _

Nathan was on top of me. Both of his hands were pushing down on my back, trapping me against the floor. His knees were pushing my thighs apart. He was grinding his hips against me, and I could feel him growing hard. I knew if Nathan raped me right now, Magnus would see and it would mortify him enough that Valen would have the opportunity to kill him. I couldn't let that happen.

I struggled against Nathan's weight. He shifted at first, caught off guard, but he quickly regained his balance and forced me against the floor. I thrashed, using my final reserves of strength. When I arched off the floor and managed to budge Nathan again, he laughed and drove his hips into my backside. I gasped at the feel of his growing erection. The harder I fought, the harder Nathan became. That was why he'd liked Jordan so much. Jordan was a fighter, an exciting challenge for Nathan to break.

A burst of anger exploded inside me like a firework. I rolled to the side. Nathan, not expecting the movement, teetered to the side with me. On my back, I threw out my fist and punched Nathan in the face. That made him livid. Just like his father did, he pushed both my wrists to the floor and shifted them into one of his hands. He then used his free hand to grab the waistband of my pants. I wrenched my hips away from his touch.

"I'm going to show you what fucking feels like," he growled at me.

I stretched my fingers and felt something hard. The knife. I twisted my wrists. Nathan lost his grip and I broke free, immediately reaching out to snatch the knife. It passed into my hand with surprising ease. Nathan stared down at me, genuinely surprised. But the fuming madness returned to his dark eyes. My reaction was instant and driven by fear. I swung my arm and plunged the knife into the side of his neck. I immediately pulled it out and a burst of blood splashed against my hand. But it didn't stop or slowly trickle out. It sprayed and spurted. I watched in horror as Nathan's eyes went wide, his face paled, and he fell onto his back. The knife fell from my hand as I squirmed out from under him and sat up. Nathan stared up at the ceiling, his body trembling. Blood continued to spray from his throat. He started to choke and blood gushed from his mouth, leaving startling red rivers against his too-white skin. And then, suddenly, Nathan went very still. His head lolled to the side and his eyes stared at the far wall. The floor darkened around him with his own blood.

I held up my hand and gaped at the blood staining my skin. Magnus was still fighting with Valen behind me, I could hear them. My instinct told me to help him, but my body would not move. I was too afraid. Afraid of the blood. Afraid of Nathan. Afraid of what I had just become.

* * *

 

 

_**Magnus** _

My hand was inches from the gun when I was suddenly yanked in the opposite direction. Valen clenched my ankle, dragging me toward him. As I tried to kick free, he stepped over my leg, straddling me at the knee. I felt him shift his hands to take hold of my heel and toes. The moment I realized what he was about to do was the same moment he gave a sharp twist. A loud snap echoed through the basement and pain shot from my toes all the way to my spine. I screamed in agony, writhing on the floor. Valen continued twisting my ankle until black dots swam in front of my eyes. Sweat broke out on my forehead. I clawed at the floor, frantic to get away. When Valen had had enough, he let my leg drop to the floor. The contact sent a tsunami of suffering crashing over me. I glanced over my shoulder. My clothed leg appeared normal, but I visualized the skin swiftly flooding with black and dark purple swelling. My shoe already felt constricting.

Valen's hand suddenly wrapped around my throat and he hauled me to my feet. Using the force of his entire body, he slammed me against the nearest wall. My head cracked against the hard surface and my vision flashed from white to black. Colors blurred and swirled in front of my eyes as Valen's hand released me. My useless leg crumpled beneath my weight and I collapsed to the floor. I knew I needed to move, but the floor was rolling, tilting this way and that, making me dizzy. My hands pressed against the floor, propping me up against the wall. Both my head and my leg pulsed with pain.

Valen's obscure figure appeared in my hazy vision as he crouched in front of me. He drifted in and out of focus, but I could clearly see the smile on his face.

"You want to know why I transferred to a different precinct, Magnus?" he asked. "It was because of you."

I felt a hand touch the knee of my uninjured leg. Valen's thumb traced lazy circles there before he started to slide his hand upward. My eyes searched the floor for the gun. The room was still spinning, making it difficult to judge just how far away the weapon was when I finally spotted it.

"You were older than the taste I was accustomed to, but your dark hair and light gold-green eyes reeled me in like a fish on a hook. There was something about you that was so pure and innocent, not like most boys your age. I wanted you, wanted your body. Every day was a battle; I could barely keep myself from touching you. It got worse every shift we spent together. I wanted to fuck you with or without your consent. I left to protect you."

I pushed my hand against his shoulder, weakly trying to push him away as he leaned closer. His fingers were meandering up my thigh, slowly drawing closer to my groin.

"As fate would have it," Valen whispered, " _you_ came to _me_." He reached and began to unbuckle my belt.

* * *

 

 

_**Alec** _

At first I couldn't hear anything except the pounding of blood in my ears. It was a light clinking that cut through the thundering of my pulse like a flash of lightning. I'd heard that distinctive noise far too many times: A belt coming undone. Next to follow would be the hiss of a zipper.

I looked over my shoulder. Magnus was propped against the wall, Valen crouched in front of him. Valen was trying to undo Magnus's pants, but Magnus wasn't fighting back. Something was wrong with him. He was pushing against Valen's shoulder, but his eyes were weird. Unfocused. He was hurt, and Valen was going to hurt him even more.

_No one will ever hurt Magnus again._

I scrambled to my feet and charged across the floor. I pounced on Valen's back, screaming and clawing and punching at every inch of his flesh I could reach. The man roared and lurched away from Magnus, swinging his body to try and dislodge me. I held on tightly, ducking away from his swinging arms and clutching his hair. My fingernails sliced through the skin on his face, mirroring the scratches Church had left on Nathan's face.

Unexpectedly, Valen dropped onto his back. His weight crushed the air from my lungs and I immediately let go of him. He rolled and hovered over me, his grotesque features twisted into a snarl of rage. He raised his fist, aiming it for my face, when something caught his eye. He turned and his rage melted to disbelief. I followed his gaze to his son's body.

"Nathan?" He leaned over, shaking the boy's foot.

I sucked in ragged breaths of air. Magnus was still slouched against the wall. Our eyes met briefly before Valen's cry of anguish drew my gaze away.

"You killed my son, you fucker!" he roared. The man forced my hands over my head and held them down. He raised his other hand and I caught the glint of the knife right before he plunged it into me. The breath I'd caught rushed back out of me. Valen heaved the knife out and stabbed me again, over and over. I could not feel the pain, only the pressure and jarring force of metal hitting bone and flesh. A metallic taste filled my mouth. The burst of energy I'd used to save Magnus dissipated. All I could do was count as Valen continued killing me.

_Five. . . Six. . . Seven. . . Eight. . . Nine. . . Ten. . ._

* * *

 

_**Magnus** _

Panic chased away the throbbing in my head and leg. Valen was stabbing Alec to death. Ignoring my light-headedness, I maneuvered onto my belly and began crawling toward the gun. The cold metal bit into my fingertips. I snatched it up and shifted into a sitting position. I swayed, unbalanced, as I lifted the gun. Fear pierced me, making me hesitate. My vision was compromised, which raised the odds of me accidentally shooting Alec.

_You promised to protect him,_ my mind shouted.

I took aim again and, all of a sudden, miraculously, a spurt of adrenaline sharpened my vision to a clear, crisp image. I let out my breath and pulled the trigger. A deafening bang reverberated around us and Valen's head exploded, spewing blood like a volcano. The momentum of the bullet knocked him sideways off of Alec. Valen remained on the floor, unmoving.

I let the gun slip from my hands and began crawling toward Alec. His chest rose and fell faintly, but I could hear the gurgling of his lungs alongside the ringing in my ears. My eyes scanned him from head to foot. Even though he was on his back, the wounds in his torso were gushing blood.

"Magnus," Alec whispered shakily.

He reached for my hand and I took it, clenching his fingers tightly. I knew I had to apply pressure to the wounds before he bled out, but there were too many for my hands to cover. There was only one option.

"Alec, this might hurt a little," I said. Positioning myself carefully, I slowly lowered myself on top of him. My torso aligned with his and I let my full weight push down on him.

Alec cried out, begging me to get off. I squeezed his hand and cupped the side of his face, stroking my thumb over his cheek. His cries of pain quieted as I whispered reassuringly to him. He blinked drowsily. I rested my forehead against his, studying the slivers of assorted blues in his irises.

"It doesn't hurt anymore," Alec whispered.

It should have been a relief to hear him say that, but the comment was actually more cause for concern. Alec was going into shock. I knew I was, too. The pain was barely noticeable and my body was cold and tired. All I wanted was to close my eyes.

"Magnus, I'm going to sleep," Alec murmured.

_No, you have to stay awake!_ The words never left my mouth. I watched helplessly as he closed his eyes. My lips found his and pressed against their softness, but they did not push back. "I'm sorry," I said softly, right before my own eyes closed and everything went dark.

* * *

_**Alec** _

The nurse finished poking and prodding at my arm and I pretended to go back to sleep. She flicked off the room's light and the sound of her shoes disappeared down the hall. I opened my eyes and sat up. Pain flickered in different spots across my chest, but, ignoring the twinge, I slipped out of the covers and tip-toed to the door. Before I could make it two steps, something pulled against my hand, introducing a new pain. I looked down and saw the IV sticking out of me. Carefully and quietly, I removed the bag of fluid from the stand beside the bed and headed for the door.

There were no nurses in sight. Even the one sitting at the desk had vanished. Clutching the bag to my stomach, I padded into the hall and stealthily began searching nearby rooms for Magnus. Most of the rooms were dark, making my hunt tricky. But I found him. He was in a room by himself. His right foot was peeking out from under the covers. Propped up on a pillow, his ankle was encased in a weird, puffy, toe-less white sock. I touched the material gingerly and found rigidity instead of softness. Poor Magnus. It had to be uncomfortable. I stepped around to the side of the bed and peered through the darkness at Magnus's face. His eyes were closed, his long eyelashes dark against his skin. Occasionally they fluttered, but he remained asleep. I'd asked to see him too many times to count, but no one would let me leave my room. I was supposed to stay in bed and rest, but I couldn't sleep, not until I knew Magnus was all right. He looked peaceful to me, not at all like the way he looked when he was having a nightmare. His brow was smooth and his lips were not pulled into a frown. In fact, I thought I could see the smallest hint of a smile.

Footsteps drew toward the door. I ducked down beside Magnus's bed and watched a nurse walk past, thankfully without glancing inside. The squeaking of her shoes grew distant and I straightened. Tentatively, I reached my fingers to touch Magnus's hair. The dark strands were soft. I ruffled them slightly, selfishly hoping to wake him up. But Magnus slept on, unaware of my presence.

Voices suddenly picked up outside the room. Someone mentioned my name and there was an urgent scurrying of sneakers. I lowered myself to my knees and wriggled my way into the small space under Magnus's bed. There was less room here than under the bed at Magnus's house, and the pressure of the floor made my chest sting. But I remained quiet and still, determined not to leave Magnus. The light to the room flicked on but no one entered. More and more feet rushed by, voices carrying in exaggerated whispers. After a few minutes, the hospital's overhead paging system turned on and a woman's voice announced a Code Yellow. I was not sure what that meant, but I guessed it had something to do with me.

After a few minutes, the pain from laying on the floor began to escalate. I slid out from under the bed and sat on the floor, breathing away the ache. As I calmed myself, a man entered the room. He leaned over and spotted me on the floor.

"I've got him," he called over his shoulder.

I pushed myself to my feet and backed away as the man approached. He was burly, dressed in a navy blue uniform. A radio hung from his belt and white letters were stitched on his left chest pocket.

_Se-cur-it-y,_ I read mentally.

The man reached his hand to me. "Alexander? I need you to come with me, please."

I flinched away from him. "Don't call me that."

He dauntingly took another step forward. "You can't be in here. I'm going to take you back to your room."

I grabbed the railing of Magnus's bed with my free hand. "No, no. Please, I want to stay here." "You need to go back to your room."

Another man squeezed his way past the nurse in the doorway and approached me. He wore the same uniform as the other nurses. His eyes were warm as he advanced with his hands up, but I knew he was going to grab me. I cringed as his hand wrapped gently around my arm and gave a slight tug. My hand clamped tighter around Magnus's bedrail.

"Let go, Alec," the male nurse said softly. "I'll take you back to your room."

I wrenched away. "Please stop touching me."

"I'm not going to hurt you—"

"You're trying to take me away!" I shouted, and everyone in the room flinched.

"Calm down, Alec."

"Get away from me!"

The nurse grabbed my arm again, less gently this time. My IV bag dropped to the floor as I tried to fight him off. He tried to get his arms around me and I struggled harder, twisting in his grip. The security man stepped forward to help. I swung at both of them, screaming and shouting.

"Everyone stop! Get your hands off my patient!"

Everyone froze, including me. A woman shoved into the room, her long white coat billowing behind her. I instantly recognized the bright blue eyes and blonde hair knotted at the back of her head. Catarina Loss strode into the room and pulled the security guard and nurse away from me. She stood at my side and gave me a thorough once-over before rounding on the other staff.

"I don't ever want to see you manhandling my patient again. You probably ripped open his stitches, if you didn't cause any other internal damage," she reprimanded.

The male nurse started to object, "But he was—"

Dr. Loss raised her hand, cutting him off. "I don't want to hear it. Get out of my sight before I send you home." The others filed out of the room, leaving me, Catarina, and Magnus behind. When we were alone, she turned to me and asked, "Are you all right?"

"Please don't take me away," I whispered. "I just want to be with Magnus."

Dr. Loss nodded and touched my shoulder. "I'll see about getting another bed wheeled in. Stay here. I'll be right back."

Catarina took care of everything, just like she'd promised. Even though the room was small, I was permitted to sleep in a bed beside Magnus's. New nurses came in to check on me, none of them the ones who had seen my outburst. I had accidentally ripped open several of my stitches, but Catarina did not yell at me. She fixed my injuries and checked me for any internal damage. Finding nothing, she tucked me comfortably into bed and replaced the bag of fluids on the stand next to me.

"Thank you," I said politely. She was Magnus's friend after all. I didn't want her upset or angry with me, because that would make Magnus unhappy.

"You're welcome." She smiled. "Get some rest. I'll be back to check on you in a little while."

I was about to protest but my eyelids suddenly felt very heavy. My mouth stretched wide in a yawn. I wanted to stay awake in case Magnus woke up, but I now felt unexpectedly tired.

_Maybe just a few minutes of sleep,_ I thought. _Just a few. . ._

* * *

 

_**Magnus** _

My stomach roiled. I felt my throat tighten, warning me what was about to come. My eyes flew open and I jackknifed into a sitting position. A basin found its way in front of me just in time to catch a puddle of my vomit. Gentle fingers rubbed my back as I heaved. When I finished and leaned back against the pillows, panting and sweating, my eyes glanced over and found Catarina. She took the basin into the private washroom, emptied the contents, and rinsed it out. She returned with a sympathetic smile and set the basin at the foot of the bed.

"Sorry you had to see that," I said, my voice groggy.

She patted my hand. "Don't be. I'm just glad to see you awake."

"Alec—"

Cat raised her finger to her lips. She flicked her head and I looked to the bed beside me. A familiar mop of black hair rested against the pillows. Alec slept soundly, a soft snore drifting from his parted lips. I relaxed into the pillows.

"You saved his life," Cat whispered, twining her fingers with mine.

I tried to remember what had happened and vaguely recalled the final moments in Alec's basement. Scarlet filled my memories, spreading like the blood that had been on the floor. There had been so much blood. . . I'd lain on top of Alec. . .

"Is he okay?" I asked.

"Miraculously, there were no severe injuries to his internal organs. His ribs are scratched up and he has a lot of stitches, but, physically, he'll make a full recovery." Cat pulled a small flashlight from the pocket of her lab coat and gently lifted each of my eyelids, waving the light in front of my eyes. Satisfied, she pocketed the flashlight and seated herself in the hair beside me. "You lucked out, too, mister. You suffered a rather serious concussion and your ankle required surgery for realignment. Crutches and a cast are going to be your friends for the next seven weeks. You'll require some physiotherapy after that. It's going to be a long, arduous recovery, but it could have been a lot worse."

I swallowed. "Was there. . . brain damage?"

Cat squeezed my hand. "Your scans came back negative for brain damage. You might have a little amnesia, but your memories will return. The dizziness, nausea, and vomiting should also fade."

My eyes found my casted foot at the end of the bed. I wiggled my toes and sighed. It was going to be much harder to take care of Alec when I was stuck in a cast.

Catarina released my hand and stood. "There's someone who wants to see you. I'll stop by later."

I watched her leave. As I squirmed for a more comfortable position, another figure walked into the room. I broke into a grin when I recognized Luke. Two helium balloons floated beside his head. He tip-toed over to Alec's bed a tied the bigger of the two, a giant yellow smiley face, to his bedrail. He gently mussed Alec's hair and whispered, "Hey there, kiddo." Next he turned to me. His eyes narrowed though his smile remained. He tied the small 'get well soon' balloon to my bedrail and sat down. His fingers interlaced over his belly as he slouched. "You get the smaller one because you're a dumbass and went into that house without any backup."

I laughed. "Fair enough."

"So how are you doing, kid?"

I shrugged. "I feel great."

"They're keeping you nice and doped up, huh?"

"It's fantastic," I drawled.

Luke chuckled, then sobered. "You're a real hero, you know?"

"I don't remember much."

"We found you in the basement. You covered Alec's body with your own and staunched the blood flow of his wounds. Alec would have died if you hadn't."

I shook my head. "It's strange, not being able to remember what happened yesterday."

Luke's brow quirked. "Yesterday?" Understanding softened his features and he smirked. "Dr. Loss didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"You've been out for three days. Sleeping like a baby. An overgrown, drugged up baby."

My eyes widened, but I was too mellowed out to feel much concern. "I guess there's a lot I need to catch up on, huh?"

Luke shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Magnus, there's something important I need to talk to you about."

My partner's tone put me on edge. I guessed I wasn't going to like what he was about to say. He never used my full name instead of calling me 'B' if it wasn't serious.

"We found Alec's brother," he said.

I misjudged Luke's tone. "He's not. . ."

"Oh, he's alive," Luke clarified hastily. "He's actually in the city, staying at one of the hotels."

The beeping on the monitor next to me quickened. I hadn't thought they'd ever be able to contact Jace Lightwood. He'd just disappeared, and I never imagined him making a reappearance. But now he was back in the picture, and surely he expected to return home with Alec.

"Dr. Loss said you'll probably be discharged tomorrow. You and Alec. I asked Jace to give Alec some time. He was very adamant on coming to hospital to see his brother, but I told him it was better to not spring everything on Alec at once. You and Alec can have the day together tomorrow, then Alec will have to meet with Jace and decide if he wants to stay or go with his brother."

I looked down at the blankets. "Thank you. For telling me. And for giving us an extra day together."

"I, uh," Luke cleared his throat, "cleaned up at your place."

More crimson memories flashed in my head. "Thank you."

Luke rose and patted my left knee. "I'll take off so you can rest. If you need anything, give me a call."

I nodded and offered a half-hearted wave as he left. If it hadn't been for the heavy lull of drugs in my veins, I wouldn't have slept at all.

* * *

 

"Magnus?"

The whisper beckoned to me in the darkness. My eyes peeled open. The overhead light had been turned off and night time shadows peered in through the window. I turned my head and saw Alec standing beside my bed. One hand was wrapped around the portable IV stand next to him, the other was clenched in the front of his gown.

"Alec? What are you doing out of bed?"

His smile was relieved. "I just needed to hear your voice."

I was about to send him back to his own bed when I remembered the limited time we had together. I inched over and patted the mattress beside me. "Come here."

Alec clenched his gown tighter and glanced at my casted ankle. "I don't want to hurt you."

"You'll never hurt me."

Wheeling his IV stand next to mine, Alec nimbly climbed over the bedrail and settled carefully beside me. I drew the blankets over his legs and wrapped my arm around his shoulders, hugging him against me. I reached across and touched the right side of his jawbone. He let me angle his face toward mine and sighed when I leaned over and kissed him. When I pulled away, he nestled his head against my shoulder and drifted to sleep. I stayed awake, cherishing every moment.

* * *

 

Catarina and another nurse wheeled Alec and I out to the curb in front of the hospital where a lemon yellow taxi was waiting for us. A pair of crutches were draped across the wheelchair's armrests. I glared at them sullenly. I could already feel the uncomfortable padding digging into my armpits. Alec got out of his chair first, holding our two helium balloons firmly. Catarina handed him the bag carrying our pain medications and rounded the chair to help me up. She held my arm steadily as I rose to one foot and hopped the few steps to the open taxi door. My friend hugged me before helping settle me into the backseat.

"Thank you," I said to her.

"I'll see you soon," she promised. She then gave Alec a hug and watched him circle the taxi to climb into the backseat next to me. The cabby closed our doors and climbed into the driver's seat. Catarina had already courteously given him my address and enough money to cover the fare and tip. We waved as he pulled away from the hospital and into traffic.

My pulse quickened when my house entered my view. The cabby pulled into the driveway and got out to open my door. I took his extended hand and got out. Crutches firmly under my arms, I hobbled up to the front door. My keys jangled in my trembling hand as I unlocked the knob. The faint scent of fresh paint puffed in front of my nose when I pushed the door open. Alec closed the door behind him when we stepped inside.

Luke's assurance about cleaning up had been an understatement. The living room wall and floor had been scrubbed free of any specks of blood. I guessed my partner had applied a fresh coat of pain as a precaution. The biggest change, however, was the brand new set of leather furniture. My old sofa and couch had been removed. Luke had done way more than was necessary. The bastard.

"Where's Church?" Alec asked.

I struggled not to tense up. I'd gotten more and more pieces of my memory back since I'd woken up, including Church's fate and what Valen had been trying to do to me before Alec had saved me. Alec was putting on a brave face, but I knew the fragility that lurked beneath his skin. I hobbled over to the new leather sofa and sat down, silently marvelling in how comfortable it was.

"Luke said Church got out when he came over to check on him. I guess he hasn't come back yet."

Alec blinked sadly. "He ran away?"

I nodded. "I'm sorry, Alec."

He let the balloons float up to the ceiling and came to sit down beside me. His fingers knotted in his lap. "He'll come back."

I sighed and set my crutches aside. There was no use prolonging the conversation I needed to have with him. "Alec, I need to tell you something." He turned to me, his eyes both expectant and patient. I exhaled. "Jace is here. In the city."

Alec's eyes searched mine, uncomprehending. "I don't understand."

"My friends at the police station got in contact with him, and now he's here. He's staying at one of the hotels. He wants to see you. Tomorrow."

"Is he—" Alec breathed in and out through his nose, fending off the impending panic attack. "Is he going to take me away from you?"

I grasped Alec's hand. "You're legally an adult, Alec. That means you get to decide whether you want to go home with him or stay here. I just need you to know now that I will support whatever decision you make."

"I want to stay with you."

I smiled sadly. "You can't make that decision now. We have reservations at the restaurant of the hotel Jace is staying at. We'll have lunch with him, you two can talk, and then you can decide what you want to do. Just give him a chance, Alec. He already bought tickets for a flight in the afternoon. You might change your mind about wanting to stay here."

Alec dropped his face, hiding behind his hair. "What if he's mean?"

I lifted his chin with my finger. "He searched for you for a long time, Alec. He loves you. I don't think he'll be mean to you."

Alec nodded. He asked no further questions, thus ending the conversation. Instead, he cuddled into my side and we turned on the TV. We watched endless cartoons and ordered pizza for supper. Alec dished us out some ice cream for dessert. We remained on the sofa, bellies full, for a long time. It was dark out, well past midnight, by the time we decided to turn in for the night. Alec asked to sleep in my bed, which I agreed to without hesitation. We curled against each other under the blankets. My cast sat on top of the covers since it was too uncomfortable with the weight pressing down on my toes. Alec and I each swallowed a pain-killer before switching off the lights.

Alec was on his back beside me. Catarina had discouraged him from sleeping on his side for a week or so, so his stitches wouldn't get irritated or tugged. But he rolled over and sealed his mouth over mine. I kissed him back, tasting between his lips with my tongue. He pulled away first, gave me a quick feather-light kiss, and then rolled onto his back.

"Alec," I said, before he could fall asleep.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for protecting me," I whispered. "Thank you for saving me." I didn't just mean the night in the basement. He'd saved me long ago; I just hadn't known I'd been drowning at the time.

His fingers nudged between the ones I'd draped over his shoulders. "I love you."

He fell asleep before I could respond.

* * *

 

Alec was as nervous as a boy on his first date. We sat at a table in the restaurant, patiently awaiting Jace's arrival. I sat calmly in my chair, my crutches leaning against the table on one side of me and my foot propped up in an extra chair on the other. I watched as Alec shifted in his seat, aligning and realigning his shining utensils. He wore a gray t-shirt and a pair of jeans. The scarf I'd picked out for him was tied loosely around his neck. It revealed a few bumps of scar tissues at the front of his throat, but bared no more. He'd told me he didn't want to startle Jace.

The restaurant, itself, was very classy. There was a water fountain near the entryway, which was a wooden archway threaded with lights and vines budding with small flowers. A polished piano sat near the curtained windows. Long tables draped with white cloth made up a buffet at the rear of the grand room. The majority of the diners were seniors, which calmed the room's atmosphere. A few younger couples, all men and women, sat at scattered tables. The men beamed and the women covered their giggles with slim-fingered hands.

I saw him first. A young man stepped through the archway and scanned the nearby tables. He had a halo of golden hair and bright eyes that were noticeable from a distance. I could see the nervousness carved into his chiseled features, but he held himself tall: back straight, shoulders relaxed. I lifted my hand to draw his attention, but his gaze caught Alec first. Jace did not even look at me as he approached, wide-eyed. Alec, still toying with his cutlery, was oblivious.

"Alec?" Jace said, his voice strong and deep.

Alec's hand stilled. He slowly lifted his eyes and gaped at his adoptive brother. I nudged his knee, a silent reminder of what I'd told him in the cab: _"You should stand up and shake his hand. He might try to hug you, but you only have to do so if you're comfortable with it."_ Alec rose from his chair and stepped around the table on wobbly legs. He clenched and unclenched his fingers at his sides, ducking his face to shield his eyes with his hair. "Hi, Jace."

Jace tensed from head to toe. He chewed on the inside of his cheek. The whites of his eyes darkened to pink. Glimmering pools filled the bottom lids, threatening to spill over. All of a sudden, he stepped forward and threw his arms around Alec. His hand cradled Alec's head, holding him in place. Alec was stiff in his arms, unmoving, until he hesitantly embraced Jace back. They stayed together for a long time, neither one daring to be the first to let go. When they finally broke apart, Jace's eyes shifted to me.

I held out my hand to shake. "Sorry, I'd get up—" Suddenly he was hugging me, too. His body was bent awkwardly around the back of the chair. I patted his shoulder.

He pulled away and said, "I can't thank you enough for taking care of my brother. You saved his life. I owe you so much, Mr. Bane."

"Please, call me Magnus," I replied.

Alec returned to his seat beside me and Jace seated himself opposite his brother. "My God," Jace uttered wondrously. "You've grown so much."

"I'm just about as tall as Magnus," Alec pointed out.

Jace nodded. "Officer Garroway told me you've been learning to read and do math."

Alec perked up. "I like math."

Jace smiled with the patience and kindness of one talking to a child. "Me, too."

Quiet chatter and the clanging of utensils settled between us. I was about to ask Jace how his flight was when Alec cut in, "Where did you run away to?" The question was asked innocently, but even I felt the sting of the words.

Shame gleamed in Jace's golden eyes, but he answered straight away. "I own a cabin on an island a few hours from here." Alec nodded, sat back in his seat, and returned to playing with the cutlery. Jace leaned forward and continued, "Alec, I want you to understand that I wasn't running away from finding you. I was running away from not finding you. I know that makes me sound like a coward, but I couldn't take the dead ends and false trails anymore. I searched everywhere for you, flying to countries across the world when someone thought they'd spotted you. I never stopped believing and praying that you were alive, but I couldn't search anymore. I moved out of our old house and bought a cabin. The neighbors are few, and there is a poor connection to the internet. There are no TVs or laptops or newspapers in my house. I dropped off the radar, moving to a place where no one knew who I was or what had happened to my family. I kept myself company for years. The only reason I found out about you was because a man at the market mentioned a boy named Alexander had been found and now police were looking for his brother."

Alec's shoulders slumped. "That must have been lonely." His voice was sincere.

"I kept busy reading books, composing music, and going on hikes."

Alec asked shyly, "Do you like to read?"

Jace nodded. "I have my own library."

"What kind of music do you play?"

"All kinds." Jace glanced over at the piano. "Want to hear?"

Alec peeked at me. I nodded in encouragement and watched the two amble over to the piano. They sat next to each other on the bench and Alec watched in interest as his brother began flitting his fingers across the polished keys. A sweet and soulful tune filled the restaurant. Even as he played Jace chatted with Alec, making his brother smile from time to time. I banished the hum of jealousy inside me and allowed the loneliness to sink in. I sat by myself, sipping water, as the adoptive siblings reunited. That was when I began to feel the fear: There was a chance that Alec was going to say goodbye to me today.

The next hour passed by in a blur. Alec and Jace conversed amongst themselves, both of them making an effort to include me on occasion. I kept my replies polite but brief, feeling more like an intruder than a participant. We ate and swapped stories until the final moment arrived. Jace excused himself to pay the bill and go back to his room to grab his bag and calls us cabs. Alec and I sat in silence until Jace was clear of the restaurant.

Offering my most convincing smile, I asked, "What do you think?"

Alec smiled bashfully. "He's not mean."

"No. He seems very nice," I agreed. "Have you made a decision?" When he stayed quiet I added, "You don't have to make a decision today if it's too overwhelming. I'm sure Jace could come back and visit or we could fly you out another time."

"It's not that." He looked at his lap. "I. . . I don't want you to be mad at me."

My heart sank. I knew what he was going to say, but I asked anyway, "Why do you think I'll get mad at you?"

When Alec's eyes met mine they started to water. His voice trembled. "Because I want to go with Jace."

The words were like a punch to my chest, but I kept my features calm and understanding. I had no right to feel hurt. This was what Alec wanted. I should feel happy for him and be supportive. "Alec," I touched my palm to his cheek, "I'm not angry with you. I told you I'd support whichever decision you made, and I do. I want what's best for you. I want you to be happy." I tear strayed from his eye and I wiped it away with my thumb. "Be happy, Alec."

He nodded and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. I accepted his help in getting out of my chair and we slowly made our way out to the hotel lobby. Alec's duffle bag was slung over his shoulder. He'd packed up all his possessions that morning; it was hard to believe that he'd been convinced he was staying with me just hours ago. It had taken one interaction and the chords of a piano to change his mind.

Jace had respectably called two cabs; one for Alec and I, and one for him. He was giving us some last-minute alone time on the drive to the airport. We climbed into our appropriate cabs and drove off. I expected the journey to be filled with a rush of exchanged endearments or the spilling of tears, if not both. But Alec was quiet. So was I. He barely looked at me, just stared out the window. I did the same. But after a few minutes, I felt his fingers slide across the seat and into my hand. I tightened my grip and smiled, a gesture he returned. And that said more than words ever could.

All too quickly we were at the airport. We rendezvoused with Jace and headed inside the bustling building. Alec slowed his pace to walk beside me as I hobbled along on my crutches. I had to wait by myself while the two of them checked in their luggage. Alec kept sneaking glances at me as he waited in line, and I tried my best to keep smiling. The police had somehow managed to get Alec a temporary passport until he acquired a new one. The woman at the front desk checked both Alec and Jace's passports several times before sending them on their way. Their flight was in an hour, so the only thing left to do when they returned to my side was to head to the security check. I deliberately moved as slow as possible, knowing I wasn't allowed to go past that point. Inevitably, we came to the spot where I could go no further. Alec and Jace both turned to face me.

Careful not to tip over, I held out my hand to Jace. "It was nice to finally meet you. Have a safe flight."

Instead of taking my hand, Jace hugged me again. I couldn't let go of both my crutches, so I awkwardly patted him on the back. "Thank you for taking care of Alec," he whispered into my ear. "I'm indebted to you. If you ever want to see Alec, give me a call and I'll fly you out."

"Thank you," I said sincerely.

He backed away, leaving Alec and I to stare at each other. Finally Alec approached me, almost cautiously. He wrapped his arms around my neck, loosely at first, then tightly. I wanted to pick him up and spin him around, just to see him smile. More than that, I wanted to kiss him. But that wouldn't have been right. Not at that moment right in front of Jace. Most of all, I wanted to tell Alec that I loved him. I hadn't said it back the night before. Maybe Alec resented me for that, maybe that was why he'd decided to go with Jace after all. But I couldn't say it now. Not because I was worried about embarrassing myself or Alec in front of Jace. Because if I said those three words now, I'd be saying them selfishly. I'd be trying to get Alec to stay. I didn't want to confuse him. I did love him. From the very bottom of my heart. But I wanted to say those three words out of devotion, not out of desperation.

I wrapped my arm around Alec's neck and inhaled his scent one last time. "Take care of yourself, Alec. Your phone is in your bag. Call me whenever you like, okay?"

"Thank you, Magnus," he murmured against my shoulder.

I let go and Alec backed away. He gave me one last smile before turning and following Jace to security. I stayed where I was, watching, surprisingly dry-eyed, as they stood in line and went through the metal detectors. Both of them made it through without any trouble, then they continued deeper into the airport, heading toward their flight's waiting area. I waited for Alec to glance over his shoulder, his eyes searching for me, so he could wave goodbye. But he didn't. Just like that, he disappeared from my line of sight. Gone.

I stood in that same spot for an hour, expecting (a bit shamefully) to see Alec running back toward me, bolting through security as he declared to everyone within earshot that he had changed his mind. But he never did come back. One hour turned into two, then three. Both my legs were aching, but not as deeply as my heart. I knew letting him go would be painful, but that was not what had just occurred. I hadn't let Alec go; he'd left me behind. That was a whole other heartache I hadn't been expecting. It was rather humorous that I'd been willing to give my life for Alec, but I was not willing to give up my love. I wanted him back, but I was alone. And Alec was gone. Letting him go was the hardest sacrifice I was ever going to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, it would be cruel of me not to tell you that this is not the end of Sacrifice. :) I will be writing an epilogue. I imagine you will be a little less angry with me once that is posted. Can't wait to make an appearance one last time! Cheers!


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, ladies and gents! We have finally reached the end of Sacrifice. I loved writing this story, even though it was the most difficult to write and I faced some criticism and self-doubt. I can't thank you all enough for keeping me in good spirits and helping me continue! You are all amazing. I hope the epilogue makes you smile! :) This is goodbye! Cheers, and happy reading!

_**Epilogue** _

The first few days after Alec left were the hardest. . .

Well, that was a lie. The first few weeks after Alec left were the hardest. . .

Aw, who was I kidding? The first few _months_ after Alec left were the hardest. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to come to terms with his departure. Just when I finally started to feel okay, I'd spot one of his favorite cartoons on TV, or stumble on the picture of us together on my phone, or mistake a stranger with dark hair and a slim build for him. Memories of him chased me. I never wanted to forget Alec. . . but I knew I should.

We'd corresponded almost on a daily basis for the first month after Alec had left. Mostly we texted, but sometimes Alec called. He'd catch me up on his day's activities in such a giddy rush that if I tuned out for even a nanosecond, I'd be lost for the rest of the conversation. He always sounded happy when he called, and I was ashamed to admit that that made me jealous. Jace was making sure that Alec was being nurtured and cared for, but in my absurd mindset, Jace was replacing me. I remembered what it felt like to make Alec smile, to see his eyes light up like sunshine through blue glass. I wanted to make Alec happy. Though he ended every conversation with "I miss you," I couldn't help but feel as though there was detachment behind his voice. The words were never said emptily, but they seemed more of an obligation than a declaration.

The calls came less and less as the weeks passed by. Even our texting grew less frequent. Alec offered no excuses and I never asked for any. I was simply happy to speak to him whenever he had the time. Sometimes this made me feel pathetic, but that never stopped me from checking my phone every twenty minutes for a new message. Needless to say, it hit me pretty hard when the texts stopped coming altogether. Alec did message me on holidays, but we never had a full conversation, just exchanged salutations and well wishes. I'd typed up many messages and sat with my thumb hovering over the send button many times, debating the risks of surrendering to my desperation. I never did send any of them. I didn't want Alec to read of my despairing in his absence. I didn't want him to feel guilt or pity. My yearning for Alec's happiness still existed, it was just fossilized and buried beneath mounds and mounds of abandonment.

It was in the second month that I finally caved and made myself regular appointments with Dr. Fray. To her I confessed my mixed feelings on Alec's decision to leave, as well as the nightmares that plagued my sleep. I dreamt about the confrontation in the basement much too often. The outcome always changed; sometimes I watched helplessly as Alec was raped, sometimes Valen was successful in raping me, sometimes Alec bled to death in my arms, sometimes I was trapped in the delusion that I was stabbing Valen when I was actually stabbing Alec. Clary expressed her concern for my pulling away from my friends and staying cooped up alone inside my house. She wanted me to partake in my favorite activities, to go outside and get some exercise (despite my crutches), to consider volunteering while I was on medical leave, to go on dates with other men. The last suggestion had made me choke on a sip of water.

My health started to improve after that. When the gruelling seven weeks were finally up, I got my cast cut off and started my physiotherapy sessions. Catarina hadn't been lying when she's told me my recovery would be arduous. I had a lingering limp and had to relearn how to walk properly with my damaged ankle. Each step was painful and degrading, damaging both my overused muscles and my pride. My therapist had recommended me using a cane or a single crutch every day until my ankle strengthened. I put the crutch in my driveway and drove over it with my car. Twice. So what if it took me longer to slowly limp where I needed to go? I'd already lost Alec; I wasn't going to lose my independent mobility, too.

I heeded Clary's advice and started surrounding myself with friends again. Catarina and I went out whenever she was able to spare a day from work. Luke and I caught some sports events or went to the bar from time to time. When I found myself alone for the day, I went to the coffee shop and spent hours reading and sipping some whipped, drizzled, and caffeinated beverage. I'd long since stopped going to the park because I spent too much time thinking about the person who was supposed to be sitting next to me, sipping his hot chocolate and staring out at the lake. But even if I'd spent the entire day with someone at my side, it was inevitable to come home to an empty, lonely house. The TV was always on as background noise, keeping me company; I couldn't sleep without Alec's cartoons flashing lights down the dark hallway and into my bedroom.

My first spur-of-the-moment decision came shortly afterward. I'd hopped into my car and sped toward the nearest animal shelter. In my search for my next potential housemate, I found two. The adoption process followed suit. I picked up two small carriers, some toys, food, and dishes. It took three trips to lug everything into the house from the car. After that, my house never felt lonely. The attention-starved kittens kept me busy, especially Chairman Meow. He delegated when it was time to get up, when it was time to be fed, when it was time to rub his belly. He'd even claimed his own spot on the leather sofa. Church was the quieter of the two, and he spent his nights sleeping on Alec's neatly made bed. I loved the two of them unconditionally, though they would later wreak havoc on my dating life.

It had taken me much longer to work up the courage to follow Dr. Fray's counsel and start my search for a meaningful relationship. My first attempts were disastrous: One of the men who'd stopped by my house to pick me up for our first date had been attacked by Chairman Meow. I hadn't known about his allergy, and I watched as the skin around his scratches swelled. He turned to me with puffy eyes and then stormed out of the house, sneezing all the way to his car. We didn't speak again, but I still laughed about it. Another had tried to convince me to go back to his place to make out. He forgot to mention he still lived with his parents. As the saying goes, the third time's the charm. Oh and he was a charmer. I met him at a bar; he seemed so out of place that my eyes always drew back to him, no matter how many times I looked away. He was quiet and dressed in nice clothes, drinking a beer by himself. His violet eyes had caught me staring and the gentleman had offered to buy me a drink. We chatted, laughing away in fuzzy (but not drunk) conversation. I invited him back to my house. Needless to say, we headed straight for the bedroom. He was warming me up when I suddenly froze. It wasn't that I didn't want him, it was just that my mind kept screaming at me that I shouldn't want him. Months had gone by, but I still hadn't let Alec go. I ended up using my mouth to give my date an orgasm, then kindly sent him on his way, not without apology. He seemed to be understanding, and even left his number so I could call when I was ready. I never did call him.

And now, here I was. One year later, sitting at home with my two full-grown fur balls with attitude. I was working once again, I saw Dr. Fray on an occasional basis, my monetary debt to Camille had been paid off, my limp was barely noticeable, and I was content. Alec and I hadn't spoken in months, and I had no dates planned in the near future, but I was content. I couldn't help but smile; I hadn't yet reached cloud nine, but I'd finally found some direction on the endless road to happiness.

I was just packing my bag to go to the gym when my phone rang. I expected it to be Luke, calling to tell me he was swamped in paper work and wouldn't be able to join me for a workout. The liar. Anything to get out of a session on the treadmill. But when I lifted my phone, my heart stopped to see Alec's name on the screen. My internal voice was screaming, rambling on about why I should or shouldn't answer the phone. My fingers made the decision first and pressed the answer button before the call could switch over to my voicemail.

"Hello?" I answer cautiously.

"Magnus? Thank God. I-I thought you weren't going to answer."

I could tell there was something off about Alec's voice. It was shaky, breathless, almost as if he was panicked or crying. "Alec, are you okay? Is something wrong?"

Alec sucked in a ragged breath. "I'm fine."

My reeling mind automatically thought of Alec holding a knife to his wrist or pressing a gun to his temple. "Where's Jace?"

"Jace isn't home," Alec said in a rush. "I just— I need you to do something for me, Magnus. Please."

"Tell me what you need."

"Go to our spot. The bench by the lake."

I clutched the phone tighter, worried. "What is this about, Alec?"

"Call me when you get there."

"Alec, don't hang—" I broke off as the dial tone hummed in my ear. "Fuck." I grabbed my keys and ran out to the car. The phone sat like an anvil in my hand as I debating calling the police, not that it would do any good since I knew neither Jace's address nor if Alec was even at the cabin. My car sped through the streets, dodging through traffic and the honking of annoyed drivers. When I reached the park, I parked in the first open spot I found and began my run to the hidden bench. Thankfully I'd been dressed in my sweats and hoodie, which made the sprint easier. The second I arrived, I redialed Alec's number and pushed the phone to my ear. It rang six agonizing times before he finally picked up. "I'm here," I said breathlessly. "I'm here."

"What does it look like?" Alec whispered.

I glanced down at the bench. Around me, people continued on with their negligible business. "What does what look like?"

"The lake." Alec's tone was anxious and pleading. "Describe it to me."

I looked out at the water. It was painted red, yellow, and pink in the evening sun. The trees were shadows on the surface, rippling in the slight breeze. I relayed this to Alec, including every detail from the warmth of the air to the shapes of the clouds. He listened, and remained quiet when I finished. "Alec," I said, fearful, "say something."

His voice was hushed. "I never meant to hurt you."

The sun's reflection glimmered on the water, making me squint. "You never hurt me," I lied.

"Look into my eyes when you tell me that."

I stiffened. A tingle crawled up the back of my neck, making me shiver. Still clutching the phone, I slowly turned around. There, standing on the grass on the other side of the walking path, was Alec. His phone was pressed against his ear, and the second my eyes fell on him he offered a shy smile. My phone fell from my fingers. It lay forgotten as I barrelled across the path and crushed Alec in an embrace, lifting his feet from the ground. He wrapped his arms around my neck and twined his fingers into my hair.

"You're here," I gasped. "You came back."

Alec shifted in my arms and I set him down. He took my face in his hands and held my gaze. "I always planned on coming back."

"You scared the shit out of me, sounding so scared on the phone."

Alec blushed. My stomach fluttered; I hadn't realized how much I had missed that. "I was nervous about ruining the surprise," he admitted.

I blew out a long breath. "You sure fooled me." Someone tapped my shoulder and I turned to find Jace. He held my phone out to me.

"Good to see you, Magnus," he said.

I took my phone back and stared, dumbfounded. "Jace. You're back."

"Not permanently, I'm afraid. I just came to make sure my brother gets safely settled before I go back home." Jace shifted awkwardly. "I can set him up in other accommodations if..."

"That's not necessary," I said, careful not to answer too quickly. "I've got room at my place."

Jace looked relieved. "Thank you." He turned to Alec. "I guess this is goodbye, brother. You'll keep your promise and come visit me?"

Alec pulled Jace into a hug. "Of course. Thank you for everything, Jace. I love you."

"I love you, too."

"You're leaving already?" I asked, genuinely surprised. "I have the space if you'd like to rest for the night."

Jace smiled. "I appreciate the offer, Magnus, but I've got work in the morning. An important meeting I can't miss." He pulled a duffle bag from his shoulder and handed it to Alec, then turned back to me. "You'll take good care of my brother?"

"Of course." Everything seemed to be moving very fast, and I was still stuck at the starting line.

Jace nodded resolutely. He squeezed Alec's shoulder, smiled one last time, then turned on his heel and walked away. Alec and I watched him. He didn't look back. Fingers slipped into mine, startling me. Alec held my hand, one side of his mouth curving up into a crooked smile.

"You hungry?" I asked.

"Very."

Alec and I walked hand-in-hand back to my car. We grabbed some takeout Chinese food and headed back to my place. The silence between us was oddly uncomfortable. I was ecstatic to have Alec back in my life, but I had no idea what to say to him. I didn't even know for sure why he'd come back. I couldn't get a good read off him, and not knowing what he was thinking was driving me crazy.

The moment Alec entered the house, Church and Chairman Meow swarmed his feet. They rubbed against him, purring and meowing. Alec set down his bag and bent to give the cats his undivided attention. "Who are these cuties?" he crooned.

"The striped one is Chairman Meow. The gray-blue one is Church."

Alec's hand stilled at the mention of Church's name, but he quickly recovered and continued petting the felines. They followed him as he took his stuff to his room. I carried the food to the kitchen and grabbed some plates.

"How's your ankle?"

I turned and found Alec leaning against the kitchen entryway. His arms were crossed, more protective than casual or defensive. "It's great. I was able to stop my physiotherapy a couple months ago. It's as healed as it's ever going to be."

Alec nodded proudly. I took a moment to look him over. He hadn't gained much in height, but he'd broadened a bit. He was still slender, but muscle now hid his bones. He looked like a normal, athletic twenty-year-old. Even his demeanor had matured. His chin was not ducked, and, even though his arms were crossed, he stood as if he wanted to be noticed, not as if he wanted to fade into the background.

"You look great, Alec," I said.

He smiled. "Thanks. Jace helped me get fit."

"Not just that. You seem stronger mentally, too."

"Jace found a therapist and a tutor for me. I feel better." He paused in thought, then added with indignity, "I still get nightmares."

"Me too," I whispered.

Alec and I filled our plates and headed into the living room to eat. We sat on the floor facing each other, chewing silently. Conversation came in sporadic bursts. I told him about the movies Catarina and I had seen, he told me about the hikes he and Jace had went on. I grew worried as the minutes ticked by. It had never been this awkward between us. I wanted to know why Alec had made such a sudden return, especially after we'd lost contact for so long, but he showed no inclination of telling me, and I did not want to overstep any boundaries to ask him.

"I want to go to university," Alec said suddenly after another wave of suffocating silence.

I set my chopsticks down. "Really? That's great, Alec. What program do you want to take?"

"I thought that I wanted to be a police officer like you." He poked at his chow mein with his fork. "But I realized I don't want to focus my life on bad people, chasing them and putting them behind bars. I want to help the good people. I don't think I'll ever be as good as Dr. Fray, but I want to be a psychologist. A counsellor at the very least."

My chest warmed. "I think you'll be excellent at helping people. And you will be as good as Dr. Fray."

Alec grinned and I braced myself for another bout of muteness, but he surprised me by clearing his throat. "So are you seeing anyone?"

I almost choked on my broccoli. Almost. This was a topic to tread lightly on, but I couldn't lie to him. "I, uh, I've been on some dates."

He avoided eye contact. "Is it serious?"

Alec had misunderstood. He thought I meant I'd been on several dates with one person, not with all different people. I wondered if admitting I'd failed at several relationship attempts would damage Alec's image of me. My thoughts drifted to Malcolm Fade, the purple-eyed gentleman who'd given me his number. "I liked him, but I wasn't ready for anything serious." Alec nodded and shoved a forkful of rice in his mouth. "What about you? Are you seeing anyone?"

Alec set his plate down and finished chewing. He picked at his fingernails. "I was. His name was Sebastian Verlack. He was really nice. We went on a lot of dates. He kissed me. . . a lot. But I couldn't be in a relationship with him, so I broke up with him."

"Why?" I asked, curious.

Alec lifted his eyes to meet mine. "Because he wasn't you."

"Alec. . ." All I could do was gape at him. I'd thought that he'd forgotten about me, but, after all this time, I'd been on Alec's mind as much as he'd been on mine. He still loved me, even after I'd never called to check on him, even after I'd let him go in the first place, even though I'd...

My eyes started to burn and I turned my head so Alec wouldn't notice, but he did anyway. He reached for me. "Magnus? What's wrong?"

I took a shuddering breath and pinched the bridge of my nose, warding off the tears. "I'm so sorry, Alec."

He touched my knee. "Why are you apologizing to me?"

"Because I broke my promise." I faced him. "I promised I wouldn't let anything bad happen to you, but I failed. I'm sorry you had to go through what happened to you because of me."

Alec watched me for a moment, his face impassive, before crawling around our plates and seating himself in my lap. His legs wrapped around my waist and he took my face in his hands. He brushed his fingertips gently over my damp eyelashes. "Listen to me, Magnus," he said softly. "The things those men did to me. . . that was nothing I hadn't experienced before. I handled it, because I knew I could endure it. But Valen wanted to kill me. You stopped him. You protected me, Magnus, just like you promised. You never failed me."

I rested my hand against the small of his back. Right now, he was the only thing anchoring me to the ground, and I needed to be as close to him as possible. "I never wanted to let you go."

Alec traced my jaw. "I never wanted to leave you." He pushed his finger against my lips when I started to speak, shushing me. "I know you would have tried to help me to the very best of your abilities, Magnus, but I didn't want you to fix me. I wanted to be better for you. I needed to find my independence and grow into the person I was meant to be. I know taking care of me was difficult for you, so you needed some time apart from me, too. I don't judge you for that. Getting better was something I had to do without you, but I will never stop needing you."

My fingers tangled in his hair. "I need you, too."

Alec held my face and lowered his mouth to mine. I sighed against his lips and slipped my tongue inside, searching for the sweet taste that belonged only to him. He nipped at my lip, a move that was brazen for him. The bite sent pinpricks of icy heat across my skin. I moved my mouth to his throat, gently kissing and sucking. Alec groaned and tilted his head, exposing more of his neck for me to taste. I dragged my teeth over his skin, humming in approval when he gasped.

Alec suddenly took my face in his hands again and made me look at him. "Magnus, I'm ready."

I needed no clarification. "Are you sure?"

He nodded and smiled shyly. His legs remained wrapped around my hips as I carefully rose to my feet and carried him to my bedroom. We laughed as I bumped into a couple walls. He dropped to his feet and stared at the bed, deep in thought. I took his hand. "Are you okay?"

He squeezed my fingers. "Just nervous."

"We don't have to do this."

"I want to. I trust you."

I bent my head and kissed him, helping him relax. When I broke away to let him catch his breath, I removed my hoodie and t-shirt. Next I stepped out of my sweatpants, leaving me only in my black boxer briefs. Alec looked at the apex of my thighs before drawing his eyes up to meet mine. I kissed him again, cupping his cheek in my hand. His cheeks were flushed when I pulled back. Slowly, I crouched down and lifted them hem of his t-shirt. I pressed my lips against the small area of exposed skin. Alec sighed in satisfaction. Encouraged, I lifted the material higher. My tongue dipped into his navel, eliciting a shiver from him. I continued on, kissing every inch of flesh I exposed until I finally pulled the shirt up and over his head. I took a moment to stare at the toned muscles and planes of Alec's torso. Long bumps of scar tissue spread across his chest and abdomen jumped out at my eyes. Before moving on, I took care to kiss every single one of the healed stab wounds. Alec shivered every time my lips met his skin.

Alec ridded himself of his jeans and allowed me to lift him onto the bed. He settled underneath me, heat melting in his cool blue eyes. My mouth found one of his nipples and I teased it with my tongue. My hand slid up from his belly to his other nipple, circling and twisting gently. He squirmed under me. I rocked my hips against his, letting him feel me. He arched up against me, letting me feel him. Groaning, I slid up Alec's body and traced the curve of his ear with my tongue. Alec moaned, clutching at my back.

After a moment, I rose to my knees and pushed my underwear down. I kicked them off and hooked my fingers under the elastic band of Alec's. I kissed a trail across his hipbones as I pushed them down. He lifted his hips to help me. When we were both free of our clothes, I settled between Alec's legs. Hovering over him, I asked, "Are you sure, Alec?"

Alec reached for my hand and twined his fingers through mine, squeezing hard. "I'm sure."

I kissed him one last time before pushing into him. Tight heat squeezed the tip of my shaft. The pleasure was exquisite; I'd never felt anything like it. I already felt ready to explode. I pushed in a little farther but stilled when I noticed Alec tense. His eyes were closed and he was biting on his lip. Still holding his hand, I pressed my other palm against his cheek. "Are you all right? Am I hurting you?"

Alec opened his eyes, betraying his pain. "I'm okay," he lied. "Just push in all the way." He shifted, sinking a bit farther into me.

My breath caught in my throat. If I wasn't careful, I was going to come. Alec was my priority; I wanted to take care of him first. "Alec, please take it slow. It's my first time, too."

Regret flashed in Alec's eyes. "I'm sorry. I forgot—"

I kissed him, cutting him off. "You don't need to apologize. Let's just take it slow, okay?"

He nodded, relaxing slightly. I pushed in a bit more, gauging his reaction. To help take some of the pain away, I dropped my hand to Alec's length and wrapped my fingers around him. He moaned as I stroked him. I moved my hips and bit more and groaned when I sunk in to the root. The pressure surrounding me was intoxicating. I checked on Alec one final time before beginning to move. I moved my hips in a slow rhythm, undulating. Alec moved his hips in sync with me, gasping my name. My pleasure began to spike, coiling deep in my belly. I slowed my thrusting and increased the speed of my hand.

"Magnus," Alec moaned, my name a plea.

I responded with a deep thrust and a root-to-tip stroke of my hand. Alec cried out and I felt fluid spurt against my hand. He stiffened under me until his orgasm began to fade. I stayed still as he caught his breath then I began to move again. My thrusts were gentle but deep, and when I felt the tightening in my groin, I sped up. Alec's groaning echoed mine; he was already hard again and racing for his second orgasm. I chased him.

"I love you, Alec," I moaned, and my words pushed us both over the edge. We both released and stared at each other, muscles quivering.

"I love you, too," Alec whispered breathlessly.

I pulled out of him but remained where I was, my face hovering over his, our hands intertwined. My forehead touched his. "I'd do anything for you. I'd sacrifice everything."

Alec smiled. "I don't know how many minutes I have left in my lifetime, but I do know that I want to spend every last one with you. I don't want to see you sacrificing anything for me. Just live. Live your life with me."

I kissed him. "No more sacrifices. Just us. Together."

"Just us," he agreed, and kissed me back.


	15. Author's Note

_**Hey, readers! Long time no writing! I've missed you all! It's funny how one can crave sitting at a computer for hours, stringing words together to share with others. :) Anyway, it has been brought to my attention that Sacrifice has been nominated for a Multifandom Award, falling under the category of All-time Favorite Mortal Instruments Fanfic! Woot! The excitement! So if you have a few minutes to spare, please feel free to wander over to fanaticfanficsawards. blogspot. com to cast a vote. There will be two rounds of voting, and how many I receive this round will determine if 'Sacrifice' will make if to the second round, which will take place on June 15th. There are many exceptional pieces and authors in the competition. Best of luck to them all, and thank you to everyone in advance who will vote! :)** _

_**On another note, I hope to have another Malec fic up and running soon! It's a toss-up between another modern one or a medieval one. Either way, can't wait to get back on the scene!** _

_**Thanks, everyone! Cheers, and happy reading!** _


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